Part 1: Successful Wives: What do Muslim Men Want?

Our panel of Muslim men discusses what husbands want from their wives - different perspectives, different experiences, candid, insightful observations!

With:
Sa'id Takuma, Marriage Counsellor, married for 30 years to @Lemu Maryam Sheikh

I get a small commission if you choose to sign up - I hope that's ok :)

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The Marriage Conversation is a series dedicated to having honest, open conversations about marriage in the Muslim community, the good, the bad and the ugly.
Hosted by award-winning author, speaker and coach, Na’ima B. Robert, every episode contains a wealth of insight, wisdom, advice and Islamic reminders for Muslims who want to have successful marriages.
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#naimabrobert #marriageconversation

[gaskiyace]

MashaAllah my brother Said Takuma was spot on!! Many women would easily and willingly give men what they want if the men understood and implemented their Islamic role.

[MKetc...]

Sister Na'ima please maybe see your guests viewpoints from before. Brother Nasir just made marriage seem like a total burden upon the man and scary for the wife. Phrases like... "Don't challenge me, when you're in MY house, not going to get my time or attention, etc..." Ouch!! He seems so harsh... when I'm sure majority of your subscribers are women, this is the last person a woman would react positively towards. I agree that everyone should work on their emotional baggage but the way he comes across is without heart and totally controlling, which is definitely not what Islam teaches in a marriage. I hope he takes note of this too!

[saraabdelmageed]

Bro said Takuma .. i cant thank you enough . Really really this what our society needs .. Real Men .

[locadiakaskayi]

brother Saidu hit a nail on the head Alhamdulillah

[rabeedee]

Listening to brother Saidu Takuma had me cheering like a whole stadium hosting champions Starting off with what "you should want" as per Allah swt's standard is EVERYTHING!! Understanding rights and responsibilities and then personal preferences of akhlaq which may vary for different men just makes perfect sense!! Brother Nasir was sooo spot on regarding "knowing your bagage and self awareness" and particularly regulating our emotions. This is one important life skill we as sisters NEED to start developing prior to marriage. His tone was firm, maybe a bit rigid but i can respect that. All in all, this was breeze on a day in nigeria! 😊 thankkkk youuu sister naima. This is relevant and helpful. May Allah increase the barakah in y'alls time. Aameen.

[gairoonishaboolay]

Shooo this is complicated. Some men want to be the head and driver and others want to be babies...And I thought we woman were complicated. Allah help us all. AMEEN

[kaykay]

MashaAllah!! Yes to obey is so much more arabically - to follow, to respect etc, if your husband fears and pleases Allah, he will always make the best decisions for the best interests of the whole family. Alhamdulillah the religion is beautiful. May we please Allah always and have the best goodness in this life and the next. Ameen!! ♡

[MuslimahMB]

Reading the comments I was ready to brush off brother Nasir, but he's not that bad. He reminded me of my husband first, but then reminded me of me lol I like that he said our emotions are our asset, but we do need to regulate them properly in order to be agreeable. Men need to keep our emotions in mind and also not disregard us and be in touch with their own emotions bc it doesn't make them less of a man!

[oumarniang]

everything a Muslim man wants from his wife is peace.

[michayatoni]

MashaAllah. What brother Nasir and all brothers said was needed. It’s a shame so many women are offended.

[frogs]

May Allah bless brother Sai'du immensely Ameen 💕 May all the sisters seeking marriage be blessed with such a kind, knowledgeable and patient man Ameen. His wife is truly blessed MashaAllah 🥰🥰

[agatsuma]

jazakAllahu khayran Brothers! All of you are spitting straight facts! Self-awareness, evolving together day by day, avoiding emotional fighting/discussions, respecting and loving each other especially when life gets wild, remembering to put Allah first in your marriage and everything else will fall into place. Allahu Akbar! Much love from Germany! 🌻 May Allah bless and protect all our families, guide us the right path and make us righteous and loving Servants of Allah. AMIN!

[munab]

This panel was interesting because we got a wide variety of men. Br Nasir, happy for you you're already married because you sure know how to condescend to people. May Allah allow us to be kind to all people.

[majidkhan]

Sisters are being very judgemental about Br Nasir. Yes his explanation are direct and rigid. But he gets his point across in terms of what men are looking for in a spouse. The thing he says about arguments are very true. There are ways of communicating without the need for an argument. It's not that he doesn't want arguments. He's just choosing a way that he and his spouse can respect each others view without been upset or angry (emotional).

Definitely we need to regulate our emotions whether that be the husband or wife. We need to think what is the best approach to dealing with issues without the need of lashing out or just wanting further issues.

[truegabefan]

Asalamu alaykum beautiful sister.
Please consider leaving the long sessions in youtube for us to be able to revisit and take notes in Sha Allah. So much to be learnt.

[meryam-]

Oh no, please leave the video also as a whole. I do listen to this in my car since I drive for hours sometimes. It's easier and safer as I can't really browse and search for video's. This week I already have listened to a 4 hour video about successful wives which I benefit from tremendously al hamdoellilah. I am getting married in the summer in sha allah, make dua for me that it will be one filled with succes, peace and love in sha allah. May Allah reward you all.

[Mary-ylbx]

So happy to hear these brothers! Sisters, if their advice seems hard to implement and you are struggling, you are not alone! I felt that way in my marriage. Alhamdullillah, I was guided to the book The Empowered Wife by Laura Doyle, and I transformed my marriage to the playful, peaceful, and passionate relationship I have today! I can't say enough about the transformative, practical tips from The Empowered Wife, and all in line with Islamic values. I practice the skills from this book every day to keep my marriage shiny, and I don't even have to tell my husband about it! 😅😍 I love that it all comes from me, the only person who i can control is myself! I'm standing for you, Sisters!!!! You got this! You can have the marriage of your dreams!

[karimajibriil]

So Nasir doesn’t want to be challenged at all. He wants the wife to get on board with everything. That’s very toxic mindset and I’m glad he’s honest about it at least.

[TheNiqabiDiaries]

Allahumma baarik Brother Said and Brother Nasir are really on point. I really believe its a husbands responsibility to teach his woman how to be a wife. Being a husband is a job, a man must understand what his role is because he is the CEO of the family. When he chooses a wife it is his responsibility to be very clear about what her job description as a wife is of they want their 'company' ie the family to be successful.

[Afia]

The problem that many muslim families are facing is that two generations before our parents and grand parents were raised more cultural values then religious values. For example pakistan has more hindustani culture where you see more joint family system, dowry system extra. As we arrived in western countries we were all getting western education and values, but we were all carrying cultural baggage. It is hard to bring change if one is living within same community. Ideally, if women can stay at home and raise children that will be the best thing. The problem comes in when women don’t work and they don’t put anything in their retirement system. When they get elderly many times these women don’t have health benefits, neither any financial support one’s sons and daughters are married. We have to accept that we made a deliberate choice to live in western countries. Now we have to adapt to ways where we can keep our religious values, mind you not cultural values and at the same time can be physically, emotionally, and financially strong both as men and women. Many many times when we get cases where husband had an accident or if they are terminally I’ll, we find out these muslim women who have been living in western countries for 30 to 40 years. They don’t know how to speak English, they don’t know how to drive, they have never worked . Guess what they don’t even know how to access bank accounts or don’t know what was their household income or expenses. These families then get into real trouble especially when they have young children. Who will take care of these families. There is a rumor that since we pay taxes, states can help. In reality there is only hardships and very tough life.
Before jumping to get married there is nothing wrong that both the girl and boys are going to college education, getting employment opportunities and then meeting different people. When we buy a car or a house we will do 100 s of visit, but when it comes to marriage the first proposal that will come or parents will introduce, the men and women will get married. Also there is a trend for muslim men that they will go to their own country because in their minds and families mind girls back home are more naïve. And they will settle easily. Just think about this women back home have maids, drivers, and all there family support system is back home. Once they come to western countries, for several years they cannot go back home, and they loose their emotional support system. We have to come up with a realistic family model for muslim families. Then there is big generation gap if there is big difference between husband and wife age this brings other problems.
But the biggest problem is raising two genders very differently when these kids are young. One gender gets the prioritization as soon they are born. We give this gender a privileged status from the beginning. Then we have a second gender at the age of two we will put scarves on them so from the beginning they are isolated . In reality when these girls will grow up they will get married to men. We need to give them confidence that you can get along with the other gender when you will get married. This can only happen when the parents who are the role models, the children see them how they solve their problems and arguments at home, how they deal with difficult times. We cannot go by old traditions anymore. Now as a parent go outside and try to find a good muslim men who is worldly and religious educated, financially independent and can make independently decisions. And you know what the answer is. Instead of having divorce in few months or years. Let your children meet people, invite them in your home, meet their families several times within religious values.Getting married quickly is not important, but getting married to right person is more important. Young men and women usually talk more about what they are going to wear in wedding and what kind of wedding they are going to have, take marriage counseling earlier in your marriage several times . Unfortunately there is also stigma about it in our culture. It is myth now that Muslims have stronger families. Divorce In the past it was a taboo and hush hush subject. Unfortunately the problem is now worst. And community is not ready for the change. In reality on one income raising families with 5, 6 children is much harder both financially, physically and emotionally on one income. Our mosque imams, khateebs are all leaders . They are role models. And these topics should be introduced in jummah khutbah s and youth groups and senior groups.