Should I Stay Or Should I Go? - Letters From Esther Live

Have you ever been in a relationship where you were constantly breaking up and making up? Anyone who has been knows: when it’s good, it’s great. And when it’s bad, it can be miserable.
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Relational Ambivalence—those contradictory thoughts and feelings of love and hate, attraction and disgust, excitement and fear—makes us constantly wonder: should I stay or should I go? The resulting whiplash is exhausting, not only for the people in the relationship but the people around it.

In this month’s workshop, we’re exploring Relational Ambivalence and the practice and patience it takes to better understand when it’s time to get off the ride and what it means when we want to hold on.

I’ll be discussing this month’s newsletter on Relational Ambivalence.

[carmenkamberos]

“When someone treats you like you’re just one of many options, help them narrow their choice by Removing yourself from the equation. Sometimes you have to try not to care no matter how much you do.Because sometimes you can mean almost nothing to someone who means so much to you. It’s not pride, ITS SELF RESPECT. Don’t expect positive changes in your life if you surround yourself with negative people. Don’t give part-time people a full time position in your life. Know your value and what you have to offer, and never settle for anything less than what you deserve.”

[belindaschafer]

I was stuck with a narcissist for 27 years, not always bad, many times good.But after he died I went to Asia and became an ESL teacher and had the best time of my life for the next ten years. So never be afraid to leave and go.

[pssrnbb]

I can’t believe you give this advice out for free. I wish you were my therapist

[Braveheart]

I left my abusive marriage and the transition was horrible.

Again, I left my other relationship and I was Thankful.

Both relationships have no regrets. I have three children with my marriage and they are my life and purpose to live fully.

My last relationship was my greatest lesson it made me realize my worth and values.

Now I’m on my healing journey, I know it needs a lot of hard work.

Thank you, Esther, for these wonderful insights❤

[michelecatalano]

It's hard because both sides of the ambivalence feel so real.

[KP-mwcx]

It was interesting to see in the live feed, that there’s a lot of fear around doubts… But doubts are normal. And they give us valuable information about OURSELF. If you take the time to dive deep (like inner child work), you may find a “life bucket” that’s a bit empty. We doubt because we are feeling unfulfilled by our partner/ not getting what we want & are unhappy about it….But the more interesting question is: why would you hand someone the keys to your happiness? Only you can fill your buckets. Only you are responsible for your happiness. Only you can ask for what you need in your relationship. Only you can set boundaries for you. Etc. Your partner is the dessert in life, not the main course. Happiness is an inside job.

If you have doubts, that’s your authentic self telling you to pay attention. And yes, if you’re in an unhealthy relationship, but you’re doing the work (for example), you might doubt that is the right place for u to be. Honor yourself, your intuition, your values. If you can operate from a place of love, you’ll see the doubt is normal & good. It’s a flag for u to do the inner work, and to honor yourself. ❤️❤️❤️

[marzymarrz]

It does not surprise me that her perspective is so human, so compassionate, so helpful.

[krystelnankani]

I am from the Philippines, I am amazed on your insights and perspectives. And also on the fact that problems in relationships do not differ that much regardless from which country or region you are from.

[reneesadhanagutierrez]

this pathological dance between avoidant and anxious attachment.

[agapecentrodecuidadoss.a.s]

What someone tells you is the truth. A person will not change unless they choose to. If they project their past on you, they are the problem, not you.

[pboback]

I relate to a lot of what you are stating. Sometimes I feel like I don't trust myself to make a decision.

[jamnoise]

If you need to ask that question then there is already a problem! Don’t ignore your intuition....

[goatchronicles]

I have been holding on to my relationship for quite some time now and I wish I had seen this video earlier because it would have made my decision easy and fast. I am glad I was bold enough to end it anyway because I was lost in myself. Just watching this video has given me the clarity to re-enforce my decision. Thank you, Esther

[amburger]

There is a thing called, co-dependency. And there is a very thin line betweens to ambivalence and co-dependency.

[jeanetteswain]

This type of relationship is a waste of time. You have to know who you are and what you want out of life to make a decision. My opinion is that you should leave anyone that constantly dedesturb your piece of mind and we'll being.

[stephenstark]

wow. "it made sense at the time in the context I was in. You can't judge the decision of then with the criteria of the future"

[snmiller]

Bottom line in my opinion: If I meet someone, who lives by the Marilyn Monroe theory "If you don't love me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best". To that I say B.S.; We can love our children unconditionally, but there has to be conditions with a lover! If someone, a man or woman, often loses control and loses respect in the moments they are 'at their worst', because of some internal issues THEY HAVE, not you, it's time to respect yourself and get out of that see-saw relationship. It's toxic and those worst times are bad for your health! When you know youre flexible and motivated to compromise and/or express a desire to communicate and they've never fully had that motivation, their bad behavior is likely not due to some abnormal quirk in your behavior and attitude.

[charmee]

I remember in my 20s agonizing over this very question. I asked a beautiful Korean woman I worked with, "Dont' you ever fight with your husband?" She looked at me so strangely and replied "why would we do that we love each other" I never forgot that profound, straight from the heart answer. If its love it shouldn't be hard work, it should flow the majority of the time. I took my husband of 30 years to my therapist and she was kind enough to sit for 2 hours and ask questions. In the end in our next session, I asked her opinion, she said he is "gone gone gone across the field and over the fence" she was right, that was 8 years ago. I had tried to have patience and wait for his 5 year affair to end. The dating game is not fun, but neither is indifference.

[jacquitaylor]

The man I have been in a relationship with now for 9 months introduced me to your brilliant view on things. Thank you for all you teach.
As I listen to this talk, it resonates so much as I have experienced ambivalence many times over these last months. What I have come to understand is that much of ambivalence arises from my own sense of self - from fear, doubt and old trauma. As I travel a road of self healing and self acceptance, I am more inclined to “patience”. To allow things to unfold without constantly being in a state of civil war, a frenzy of expectation or diving into the despair of unworthiness. Patience is hard to master and it’s important, I think, to not confuse it with compliance or adjustment for the sake of peace and a partner.

[seancarroll]

The idea that we experience the same thing differently has never occurred to me. And it explains SO much. I want more to understand this for myself. And maybe this is why I experience so much frustration and even anger