How to Change Your Love Style

Love... The way people behave in relationships as adults often comes from what they were taught during their childhood. Dr. Milan and Kay Yerkovich describe the five love styles in their book How We Love. These love styles negatively impact the person’s relationships depriving them of being themselves and growing as a person and a couple. But, not all is lost as there are ways to change or manage the impulses that these love styles create for the better.

Keep watching to know how to change your love style, and have a better relationship.

Disclaimer: This video is for information and intrinsic purposes only. It does not in any way replace professional treatment or diagnoses.

Script Writer: Daila Ayala
Script Editor: Denise Ding, Se Joon Park
Voice Over: Drew Baillie
Animator: Evelvaii
YouTube Manager: Cindy Cheong

Sources:

[STRAWBERRY-kfxo]

Timestamps:
00:46 The pleaser
01:48The victim
02:54 The vacillator
04:13 The controller
05:44 The avoider

[ga_chaXkoo]

You know what this video reminded me of:
"A hopeless romantic all my life"
"Surrounded by couples all the time"
"I guess I should take it as a sign"
"I'm feelin' lonely"
"I wish I found a lover that could hold me"
"Now I'm crying in my room"
"So skeptical of love"
"But still I want it more, more, more"

[thedarkqueen]

I KNOW ITS HARD TO TRUST LET A LONE LOVE WHEN YOU WERE PLAYED THE MOMENT YOU LET YOUR GUARD DOWN, BUT PLEASE SEE IT AS A LIFE LESSON AND CONTINUE LOVING NEVER ASSUME EVERY ONE IS THE SAME NEVER STOP LOVING.❤

[galaxy_mooncat]

I know whoever dates me I’m gonna treat them like royalty and I’m gonna love them forever ❤

[bradleyfonsecavargas]

Exploring how to love it's such a difficult but beautiful thing

[infiniteinferno]

Okay, so I was in a relationship before and I've learned a bit about how I love. I do wanna start by saying that I didn't expect to hear this kind of love language because there are other different love languages as well like Words of affirmation or Touch. I learned that I'm a touchy person when it comes to showing my love and a pleaser. I had to be taught by my former partner how to see them as who they are and not someone above me, and I wasn't too go with the words of affirmation either. Also, I wasn't too good at showing my emotions from the start because I had the mindset of "it wasn't gonna last too long". Now, I'm learning a bit about how to voice my opinions, telling myself I deserve love as much as anyone else, and loving myself so I can give that extra love to someone else.

[greyfox]

I always live with the mindest "whoever will accept and take me in, must be a weird lady or a desperate one".
It is not, that I am ugly or unpleasant or something, just that guys are expected to make the first move.
I visited almost 2 years the same restaurant, 2 years knowing the same waitress... It developed a fond connection and trust. I think it might be a good love, alas I fear it would change too much in my and our all lives, so I just rather "rock the boat"
Lets just say, we are "together" but also not really.. it is complicated 😅

[mugyFORCE]

My girl would be a Vacillater I think. But don’t think she knows that completely.
And I’m a Controller, but I was already working on that before seeing this video. Cause I kinda knew that part was already part of me, so I started to take a step back, take a couple breaths and than respond way more thoughtfull (when previously being frustrated). It indeed helped me a ton! And she appreciates those kind of responses way more instead of feeling like she disappointed me. So it’s good for both of us!

I’ll probably show those parts of this video to her as well, so we could maybe both work on this together.😊

[keip]

It's hard to love in a loveless world...

[CoreyANeal]

Each one of these interacts differently with each other. If you put a pleaser together with a controller, for example.

The Vascillator can be easily confused for someone who loves someone but is confused if they love them back.

Especially if you take into consideration the context of different relationships.

[Aan]

Timestamps
1). The pleaser 0:46
2). The victim 1:47
3). The vacillator 2:53
4). The controller 4:12
5). The avoider 5:43

Hope this helps you out. Hope you have a nice day. 💙💙💙💙💙💙

[nicholasleipzig]

Your content is one of the best on YouTube. Thanks for these videos as a person who overthinks and worries a lot about the future your channel has helped me and many others.

[GodammitNappa]

Oh no. I related to all 5 of these. I knew I have a rough childhood but I didn't realize it was that neglectful. Got more work cut out for me than I wished

[-AmPO]

I an awful avoider, now am here regretting everything. There is this girl interested in me, which I always avoided even though I am also interested in her. Now I only have 1 week left in this school as I’m moving from city, regret is killing me.

[klaasNL]

Thank you ❤, I can learn a lot from this, I've never had a relationship. I think point 3 applies to me. Point 4 definitely for my parents. The problem is that I have been walking around with an inferiority complex for a long time.

[Davai_]

Hey Psych2Go, I've been feeling really down lately because my crush won't talk to me. I can't find answers from any friends or online because I have some pretty special circumstances. Now, I'll give some context to the situation.
I started having a crush on her around March of last year, we were really good friends and would talk all the time. Around April she started to whisper to her friends about a crush she had. She was saying my name, and beleiving she had an interest in me, my feelings for her swelled. But I started noticing inconsistencies, the most notable one being when she said "I'd write a whole confession and then just delete it." I didn't have social media or her phone number. When May rolled around she revealed it was not me and instead someone else by the same name as me. This person had been an asshole to me for the last five years. That really stung. I lost all self confidence and every suicidal thought I ever had returned. I spent all summer thinking about her and hoping that her relationship with him had fizzled out.
It had not.
When school started again I desperately sought her out and where do I find her? Standing next to him. Just. My. Luck. I'd pass by her in the halls and we'd sometimes make eye contact but she'd swiftly look away and continue on. This semester I got placed in a class with her and I was thrilled. Next, I was seated directly behind her, YES. I thought this would be my chance to reconnect with her, even if it was as just friends. But despite my close proximity she still hasn't said a word to me directly since last May. She'd rather make conversation with the annoying prick that never shuts up and insults under the guise of friendly banter for no reason. It could've been my demeanor, I act pretty indifferent and annoyed with the people around me but she knows thats just a facade.
She probably has figured out I like her, she'd have to be pretty dense not to, but I don't understand why that means she has to completely stop talking to me and pretend like I don't exist, she's not that cold.
I thought that all the self improvement on my looks and personality might make her want to talk to me but instead she completely stopped.

I'm just completely stumped right now, I don't know who to talk to. DEFINITELY not my parents. Even my therapist treats it like something I shouldn't talk about. I've been seeing this therapist for 8 years.
I just sorta wanted to vent and maybe gets some adivice/feedback.

[msssyMS]

The first 2 really hit home for me. I really miss my mom so much (she got cancer and passed away almost 2 years ago) but even as an adult, she made me be in fear of finding love. I've never been in a relationship and I wouldn't know how to find one and for it to be successful.

[tofolcano]

"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."

Rumi

[michaelblower]

Never thought I'd feel I can relate to the vacillator role before. I feel guilty as charged 😅

[fairyfellermasterstroke]

Pleaser:
- "Sure I'll do that"
- devaluing themselves
- no boundaries
- basically enneagram 2 (and I guess 9)
- they need to learn to communicate their need to others

Victim:
- angry outbursts
- garnering sympathy
- feeling powerless
- "Why me? Why am I suffering? Why isn't anybody helping me?"
- need to acknowledge their responsibility to provide for themselves
- could be enneagram 4

Vacillator:
- inconsistent - sometimes wanna be intimate, sometimes pushing away
- feeling unimportant
- thinks none of their relationships will last
- nothing lives up to their ideal
- need to stop jumping to conclusions
- I wanna use all enneagrams, so let's say 6, 7, 3 and 1 here

Controller:
- needs to feel in control
- people don't wanna stay in relationships with them
- apparently mantras help, so, try it, I guess
- let it be enneagram 8

Avoider:
- avoid feelings and interactions with others
- don't trust people
- they could aid from objective outside perspective, like a counselor (but I guess that could be said for all these types)
- also don't go too hard on yourself 🥺 uwu
- this one shall be enneagram 5

Don't take the enneagram parts seriously, lol