INFJs, Narcissists, and Enmeshment

Many INFJ personality types and INFP personality types grow up in homes where enmeshment is a common occurrence. Enmeshment is a form of codependency that is not often talked about in relation to narcissism, but it is strongly linked to narcissistic family dynamics.

With enmeshment, the boundaries between family members (especially parents and children) are vague, blurred, unpredictable, and constantly changing. In an enmeshed parent-child relationship, the parent consistently merges their energy with the energy of the child. They expect the child to share their preferences, needs, attitudes, goals, and motivations. If the child attempts to pull away, assert a boundary in any way, or individuate as a person, the parent will punish the child, either overtly or passively-aggressively. The usual weapon of choice for parents who are enmeshed with their children is to coldly and silently withdraw their love until the child “falls in line” and stops trying to assert a boundary against the parent.

For INFJ personality types and INFP personality types who grow up in this type of situation, this results in an inability to feel their own center, and it also results in great difficulty differentiating what belongs to them and what belongs to someone else. This can happen with emotions, energy, and also space, territory, and physical objects. The INFJ personality type or INFP personality type has been so programmed to merge their energy with the energy of others (especially loved ones) that establishing boundaries of any sort feels as if they are doing something wrong. And this is how so many INFJ personality types and INFP personality types become easy targets for narcissists.

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[ShizuruNakatsu]

I'm an INFJ, but I have *always* had a strong sense of identity. I've had my beliefs, morals, and values set in stone since a very, very young age. And as people-pleasing and anti-confrontational as I am, I *will* speak up and fight back when my core values are threatened.

That includes being against rules and authority, following social norms, doing stuff because it's expected of me, and doing stuff without question. I never did something for my parents if it was presented as a demand. Even when I was 5 or 6 years old. I made sure they knew that barking orders at me wouldn't work. I'd do nice things for them as a favour, especially if they ask nicely, but nobody was ever the boss of me. I have never believed in hierarchies, or any system where one person has more rights or more power than another. Child or not.

One of my other core values is that I *strongly* believe in the individuality of every person. I want everybody to have the freedom to be their most authentic self. So I can't STAND parents who try to influence the beliefs of their children. Whether it's bringing them up to be a certain religion, or bringing them up to like a certain football team. Just because you are a Christian or a Muslim does *not* mean your child has to be. Wait until they're old enough to understand what it means, and let them choose for themselves, if that's what they come to believe, from their own research and exploration of the topic. I hate parents who programme their children or drill ideas into their heads from a young age. Even worse, are parents who *choose* the child's future/destiny, whether it be their career, what they will study, or who they're going to marry. You don't make those choices for somebody else. Also parents who judge their children based on their own expectations and values, in areas such as grades, accomplishments, career, or financial success.

Parents who do any of these things, in my opinion, should not be parents.

[barbaramcclung]

Oh my mom had similar reactions to my personhood. I am an INFJ and I married a covert narcissist, just divorced after 38 year. I suffer from social anxiety and I am trying to move on, I live in a different state than my Mom, I feel my sister has experienced a different childhood than I. She asked me once why I hid in my room, I stayed out of the radar.

[YAMISOOLD]

I didn't experience enmeshment to the horrible degree described by the mom moving into her daughter's dorm or sharing boyfriends with her but I think there was definitely some enmeshment between me and my parents and it was not healthy nor did it help me in any way. My guess is that what many "helicopter" parents think is "support" of their children is really a form of enmeshment. Its subtle sometimes. It looks like love but is really born of a jealousy or selfish need.

[charilynn]

I'm an INFJ-A and my mother was an ESTP. We had a great relationship and boundaries were observed. I miss her since she passed.

[aquariusstar]

I really thought enmeshment was healthy love all of these years🤦🏽‍♀️"Sharing is caring" gone too far! Learning it is not in recent past years has been a bombshell🤯

[Manni-ljcy]

Why didn't I run for the hills when my husband suggested we should share the same toothbrush because it's what he and his mother did?!! This was only after 1 month of being married.

[mlbullbooks]

Great video, Lauren. So important to know yourself and have boundaries. Parents should let their children be individuals, not extensions of themselves. That’s toxic and doesn’t allow children to think for themselves about anything.

[dSeverance]

all i needed to SEE was the title of the video and i liked it! thanks for this!!

[MomandBuggs]

In these examples given it sounds like the parent is autistic and doesn’t know other people have a point of view. Autism can affect cognitive empathy but they feel warm empathy. Or has Antisocial Personality Disorder. People with this disorder will use their own kids for their benefit, they will even hold their kids back and keep them dependent. Antisocial have cognitive empathy but struggle with warm empathy. If the parent is Autistic and Antisocial the parent would really struggle with boundaries

[brandoniron]

My problem is it’s hard to remember my childhood. (I’m 35)Could that be a sign of these issues? I can remember the most obscure and weird things well. But it’s difficult to remember most of my interactions with my parents. And even so what do you compare it to see if it’s proper or not? Maybe it was needed at the time. Does it take work to bring memories back. Or someone to help get them out.

[Mindsetolympics]

Are you saying were not born this way?

[MomandBuggs]

I believe INFP’s and INFJ’s have one autistic parent and or one autistic w/antisocial personality disorder. Or one autistic parent and one antisocial parent. What do you guys think about this?

[thinkneothink]

By the definition you provide for “enmeshment”, it seems that all people who grew up with Christian parents are victims of enmeshment, where Christian doctrine literally requires you to have the same religious views as your parents.