Self Care is a Scam

The American concept of "self care" is actually leaving you worse off.

The pursuit of self care as a product or experience misses the fundamental elements of actual self care that we truly need.

I'm going to breakdown what actual self care is, and how you can practice it in practical, daily ways that will improve your life significantly.

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Disclaimer: This content is not intended to be a replacement for receiving treatment. It is purely educational in nature. My relationship with you is that of presenter and audience, not therapist and client.

But I do care.

[farinshore]

For me, self care is nutrition, sleep, exercise, meditation.

[josh]

When you break them down, a lot of advertisements are like: "Experiencing a common human emotion? Respond by buying [product]."

[heatherrogers]

I did not think of a bubble bath. Being in the recovery community, I have learned that self-care is often uncomfortable. Learning to set boundaries, for example, is self-care.

[yvonnevanwaegeningh-tiggel]

It's not just America. It happens over here in Europe as well. The rat race, people getting burn-out, because we've forgotten about our most basic needs. Driven by money, talked into consumerism... Let's try to be grateful for a good nights sleep, a healty meal, time alone, just the simple things. Thanks for the reminder.

[brera]

Sleeping. Reading a book. Walking the half hour from work to the train station instead of taking the bus.cuddling with my children on the sofa, reading to them. Napping with my purring cat on my tummy. Also: slamming door into toxic people's faces. Speaking to my friends. Being a person.

[PolarBearChicky]

My self-care days are literally doing for myself what id do for someone else as a carer. Do the laundry (especially also all bedding), clean, cook a few extra frozen weekday meals, basically reset my household. Because I know when i have a rough day or week, those are the things that could save me from falling into a really bad depression.

[lisadonald]

Logically my brain is shocked that I have so much care for others that I don't have for myself.

[serendouss]

For me self-care is sometimes doing the hard stuff like budgeting and paying bills to remove that as a source of stress. Then its exercise of some sort, eating healthy and trying to make my environment less stressful

[tendersoulsretreat]

I took a few days of vacation. My co-workers only question, "are you doing something fun". I said am feeling run down and planned to sleep a lot. And the common response, "that is a waste of vacation days". I love your caretaker analogy. I cared for my grandpa for sometime when he got older. When I look at how I treat myself and ask would I have treated him this way - it's a shocking reality check at my lack of physical care.

[Spahija]

When I tell people I feel lonely and need social connection, a lot of the time they suggest fun events and outings. That's great and all, but I need people to connect with on a more fundamental level. I could do chores with people, and it could be a satisfying social connection. I think "social", and "fun" have been paired together in people's minds where they cannot separate the 2, though they are 2 separate things. Of course, there is plenty of overlap, but a lot of that comes from the satisfaction of having human connection and getting a basic need met which then feels "fun".

[eveelliotauthor]

To care for someone to that extent, like a child or relative, means you believe they have intrinsic value. It usually means you love them. If you have low self esteem or have been raised to believe you aren’t worthwhile, caring for yourself becomes drudgery at best, impossible at worst. That’s when the only things you have left are the small dopamine hits you get from your wants, or treats, or food/ whatever.

I really started getting uncomfortable when you said I deserve to have my needs met. That’s a big ask for some of us - maybe you used to feel that way too? It’s a paradigm shift to start seeing yourself as someone valuable or lovable.

I appreciate your work, thank you for sharing your insights.

[kirishatsu]

This is exactly what i told to my brother when he said that i should take a vacation outside of town for a whole week when i just had an acute episode of Depression due to Depression-Anxiety Disorder.
How the hell can one who is within recovery period of an acute episode, be enjoy himself with vacation?
I told him like, "I don't need vacation. I don't even have the energy and will to arrange for such. What i need right now is to take my medication, avoid any unnecessary things that may trigger or worsen the episode, good rest for my psychological condition during recovery, and some time to recover."

[IntrepidFraidyCat]

For me, self care is going outside, playing with my pets or drawing in my sketchbook. Going somewhere expensive is just going to add stress when the bill comes. I always tell myself to "keep it simple".

[SpectrumOfChange]

This is such an important topic. Self care has been scammed into involving purchases and decadence of some kind.

It's sad, since legitimate self care is so vital.

[chaserofthelight]

I think I love you!!! A few years ago it hit me…. Back in the 30’s the powers that be decided they wanted to make us a consumer society… they’ve done an excellent job!!

Buy that new outfit, it’ll make you happy….
Buy that new watch, it’ll make you happy….
New Game…
New car…
New house…
New furniture…
Electronics… Whatever… You get a feel good hormone dump, the new wears off… You look in the mirror one day and say to yourself, “why can’t I ever be happy?”. You go to the doctor, tell him, “Nothing makes me happy”… He hands you a prescription and says, “Here, take this, it’ll make you happy.”

[mischa_lh]

The advertised self-care can also be used as a form of escapism.

[ripple_on_the_ocean]

A year ago I started a discovery process trying to figure out what self care actually is. I was confused, because everyone seemed to be telling me that self care meant being gentle with myself, to the point of lying around eating Cheetos and binging Netflix. While that seemed pretty appealing, it didn't seem like it was moving me toward a better future for myself. The more I dug into it, the more it seemed like I was going to have to grow up and become the adult in my own life (basically my inner five-year-old is in charge of way too many decisions), which has been both terrifying and liberating. And I'll say to anyone reading this: real self care can seem daunting, but it is SO worth it - just the increase in energy and mood alone are total game changers. ❤

[QueSarahSarah]

I agree with everything you've said. When I talk to my therapist, one of the things we talk about is genuine self-care.

For me, self care is taking a shower, washing my face, getting dressed. When I'm having a depressive episode, basic hygiene is a real struggle. Just getting myself out of bed is a form of self care in extreme cases.
I'm in a good place now, but it's been a struggle to get here.
I don't know how long this will last, so I'll do what I can to prepare for my next fall.

[frustraceann]

i know i don't treat myself well, but picturing me 'caring' for someone else the way i do for me... yikes.

[arlenerivera-gwst]

As a latchkey kid, I was raised by television, television was my companion and my comfort. TV is not a desire for me, it is an essential part of my life. My small televison is always on and it makes me feel secure. People don't really understand that kind of need, but it is real. P.S.: I had to watch this cast twice already! Thank you for this.