“Turns out he COULD change . . . just not for me.”

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“I’m always the person they date right before they find the person they marry . . .”

Sound familiar? It can be shocking to find out that someone who always held out on commitment suddenly decides they want marriage and children . . . but only after you break up.

At that point, you might be thinking: “Oh, so they were able to change . . . they just didn’t want to change with me.” So how can you recover from this feeling of not being chosen? In today’s video, I share 3 things you MUST know when you find yourself in this situation and can’t move on.

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▼ Chapters ▼

0:00 ­– 1:16 – They Changed for the Next Person but Not Me
1:16 – 2:32 – An Introduction
2:32 – 3:46 – What Could I Have Done Differently?
3:46 – 6:18 – #1 Don’t Assume the Change Is Real
6:18 – 8:22 – #2 If It Is Real, Then They Weren’t Your Audience
8:22 – 10:58 – #3 Are We Distracting Them From Our Value?
10:58 – 14:21 – A Brave Question
14:21 – 15:22 – If You’ve Made It This Far . . .
15:22 – 16:56 – Being the Hero of Your Own Story

[krishna]

There's not a single person who won't change (at least to some degree) for someone he/she likes. The sooner you let go of what isn't for you, the more emotionally sane you will be.

[PspTomisi]

Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her

[rg]

My experience is that most people have a default setting, and they slip back to that in time. Whether the new woman is willing to put up with what you could not is immaterial to your life

[stayhappylittlemermaid]

The real glory is being knocked to your knees and then coming back. That's real glory. That's the essence of it.

[hanenmehrez]

I was telling mom last night about that... as if they didn't believe you are worth the shot... The only thing I learnt is to stop asking myself: why not me??!

[EdelweisSusie]

I've always been the 'placeholder' for the next woman who gets the best/most successful version of him because I got him to where he is now. This has been the thread throughout my entire life. What it's taught me is to ask questions, and keep on asking questions and don't be scared of hearing the answers. If he's evasive, breadcrumbs you or keeps moving the goalposts to keep you on the hook GET OUT because he's just stringing you along (usually because he's going through 'stuff' and is using you as a distraction). Don't play his game.

[ireefree]

I had that with my ex. He gave her everything I wanted for us. But guess what, he was never was what I needed neither the "one". After him I met my now husband and now I know what real love is. The other one was only in my mind. We never fit, besides his countless lies and betray. With my husband finally I can be my true self and not settle for less. I now experience a love I never thought it could be possible and feel a little bit stupid for what I had settled for. In the end I think destiny or god whoever saved me in the end. Thanks ❤

P.s. if that happens over and over you should do therapy. It helped me because I always fall for the avoidant guys I had to chase... in my case I never felt good enough.

[joshliam]

When you said that their life is no more relevant to ours than that of a "A random barista, in a town you'll never visit"...paradigm shifting.

[BooklerNatsu]

Wow. This video couldn’t come at a better time for me.

My ex broke up with me only a few months ago. His reason was incompatibility despite the fact that the examples he gave were all things I feel could easily be solved with some effort and communication.
We’re in No Contact at the moment and I blocked him from literally everything so I have no idea whether he’s already found another person or not.
But just the idea that he will be willing to put in more effort and work for someone else just not me (which will eventually happen if not already given that we’re incompatible according to him) drew me to tears.

I really liked how you used your YouTube coaching videos as an example because the emotional process is identical but less intense and I now realised that this sort of thing (where someone/something is not for me/them but is right for someone else) actually happens all the time.
Job interviews, any sort of thing requiring an application, even just shopping for stuff, say, a piece of furniture is not for me but perfect for someone else.

Thank you very much for the video. I will remember to remind myself that my ex was just not my audience and the audience for me are out there somewhere.

[namarievenstar]

Dear Matthew: I've been watching your videos and learning from them for the last three months, when I learned the news of my avoidant ex boyfriend of 7 years had married and had a child... Three years ago!
It is surreal, because I thought I was doing fine, that I had moved on and accepted his departure from my life, and the news just shattered my world to pieces and broke my heart. Again.
So, I thank you for your kindness, you and your wife sharing your experiences and knowledge, and all the advice you give so people who is navigating grief and hurt can rise above, clean their wounds, and dare to move forward. Thank you. ❤🙏🏽

[lulusworld]

This happened with my ex. I took it bad, at the time because I kept thinking " why wasn't I special enough to him that he could have changed for me. To keep me. Why was our love not worth fighting for? ". But in the end I don't want to force anyone into loving me, so I made peace with the fact that he wasn't my person! I want to be with someone who will bend over backwards to be with me, because it's no brainer for him, and because he chooses ME. If I never find that person it won't detract from the fact that at least I am not settling for crumbs or an imitation version of a man that supposedly half heartedly loved me!

[deliapasqualini]

I wonder why people don't block ex partners on social media in order not to get any other information about their lives. I can understand if there are children (but this is not the case) otherwise it's not necessary to have an open window on their current lives. For your health and sanity, above all if you are the hurt one, block and move on.

[Vishfeast]

One of the biggest things in life that is a hard pill to swallow, is you don't know what you have until you lose it. That's why in relationships its so important to go into it clear with what you value out of a partner, so when you do come across a person who has remarkably similar traits that you desire.

It's really important to understand the more internal feeling we have that someone can "hurt" you emotionally, usually means they are such a good person for you, that your own insecurities are telling you all the reasons why you don't deserve this love. And you sabotage your "dream" opportunity due to your own realities playing tricks on you.

[mrmoshe]

We shouldnt measure our worth just by 1 ungreatfull bastard who didnt appreciate us or who cant love us or who cant care for us. We should measure our worth by our courageous bravery to protect our worth by Abandoning those ungreatfull assholes. They are not the most important person in our life. Be strong and move on for yourself dont stuck.

[paolar.]

All of my ex were looking for girls/women who looked and even had same name as me but with some things they fought I don't have or couldn't agree for. All their now wifes are simillar too me. They (ex) changed for them but never for me.

I learned that you should never change man. Usually you would change him for next one
Not yourself. All things you will be teaching them for years will recive someone else who will accept them when you both break up. Now they will use their lessons. So never look back. Focus on your happiness.

[almor]

Oh man where to start with this... my Ex refused me sex for over 3 years saying she just couldn't because of her menopause. Then I found out she's been with at least one other guy, who is 20 years older and definitely not a looker. I feel sick imagining them together, I would have never even thought him competition had I known he existed. She said she doesn't like it but does it anyway to keep the relationship... but she didn't do that for me even once.

The hardest part is that she says she wants to be friends but then hints we could get back together... if I did everything her way... when that would still not lead to a proper sexual relationship... why the hell would I?! She's utterly delusional. Oh and she blames me for her infidelities, as if she had no say in her own actions. It's scary how she will say I get angry out of no-where when "out of nowhere" is her sleeping in the same bed with men I didn't know existed for 3 years and lying about it to my face.

Know anyone who would hear that without a degree of anger?

[Beth]

I'm figuring out myself what I need to change. A friend I trusted told me that not many people would be willing to be in a relationship with me, because of physical health problems I have (mainly chronic fatigue syndrome which makes me need to sleep a lot). It knocked the hell out of my confidence and I'm still trying to lift it. I won't give anyone that power again. I'm on a self-awareness journey though and I'm good at analysing myself.

[RainyRaven]

He couldn’t do long distance so a relationship wasn’t possible. Until he met a girl that lives a 5 minute drive from me. Two months later they were in a fully committed relationship 😂

[HumanOobleck]

Love your compassionate guidance Matthew❤

[drkimpirelli]

men dont change for women, they change for themselves and with that comes the opportunity for them to meet someone who aligns with their new found self (thats even if its real), so women seriously need to accept that no man will change for them nor hanging onto the belief that you have any type of power to change a man or wasting your time with that belief "well if i just do this/that/the other". You want a decent man - lower your expectations and make yourself an asset.