The 4 Primary Goals Of A Covert Narcissist

By definition, covert narcissists want desperately to cover their pathology, and for a while they may succeed. But over time, predictable themes are revealed. Dr. Les Carter identifies four of them most common goals of the covert narcissist, and as you learn to spot them, you can steer clear of their manipulations.

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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. For 40+ years he maintained a counseling practice in Dallas, conducting more than 65,000 therapy sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder. Since creating his YouTube channel, his videos have received more than 110 million views.

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[Egyptsgirl]

They want to look good, not be good. They are the ultimate hypocrites.

[j-r-hill]

1. Create a false, positive public persona
2. Hide their own internal chaos
3. Perpetuate confusion inside you
4. Making sure you are responsible for the problems they have

[mday]

The Covert model is "I can tell you what you need and have to do. You will do things my way or be met with passive-aggressive rage. You are not allowed to think for yourself. I will tell you what is right and wrong with you and you must do things I want and what I tell you too. I get to change roles & the rules whenever I feel like it. If you get mad or angry then I'm the victim. By the way, all your achievements are my achievements. I can treat you any way I see fit. But don't you dare do any of these things to me. You're lucky to have me!"

[tombuddy]

Narcissist gets frustrated from failed attempts to establish domination, thinking that happiness comes from domination.

[JLZR]

Coverts are the worst by far.. they completely destroy your ability to trust anyone. Trying to expose them, is a complete act of utter frustration, as your told “ come on, he’s not that bad “come on he’s a nice guy” or my favorite “ it must be you”….

[MarkErikEE]

Spot on, sir. Two faced they are - impeccable facade in public, tyrants at home. Always stirring up chaos and belittling everyone around them.

[SJ-ygbh]

Coverts always put on a mask of charm when they meet outsiders

[markjayw]

Yup only person we can change is ourselves. Don’t waste your time with people like this. Longer you waste time with cons and phonies, more time lost finding truly good people.

[bereal]

They'll be more concerned about how they look to strangers than how they treat you. They don't care what you like think or feel. You'll become a shell filled with their rules and regs, doing what they say you should. They'll give you small gifts and patnthemselves on the back and oh what a lovely person they are. You'll be left anxious with self doubt and confused believing love is gifts, occasionally getting warmth whilst all the time it's a gilded cage with no room to manoeuvre. A total trap because they don't want the best for you. It's the biggest con ever!

[mariaawake]

Covert narcissists grinned down your trust in yourself at a very slow pace. Pretending to "help" they take over many task so you unlearn basic skills. Intermittent but constant criticism and pessimism will turn you anxious and keep you away from your interests and friends. The narcissist wants you to loose yourself and be there for him/her 24/7, for nothing in return.

[bridgetmcbride]

Covert are the worst! And the most dangerous, imo. I wish had this type of information decades ago. Thank you once again, Dr. Carter, for getting this out there for us to stay on Team Healthy.

[Hatbox]

In the "relationship" I was in the narcissist seemed to need a "Stepford Wife" of sorts. You were there to support him (even financially), pamper him, cook/clean, and fulfill his sexual desires. In return you got yelled at, ignored, criticized, talked badly about, etc. You got nothing in return but scorn. So many of us kept plugging away though. I'm so glad for channels like Dr. C's. Without them, I might still be plugging away into infinity.

[douaa]

Me Me Me and Me
Me, Myself and I

They are selfish and "self" centered

[martyevans]

Covert narcissists I’ve known often create a strong “do-gooder” persona which is nothing but a veneer but a very believable veneer & build a strong following of people who believe the veneer ... The veneer benefits them in many ways including financial. They have no conscience about their deceit & manipulation & are effective liars. But trying to “out” them is often a losing battle.

[brucefriedman]

Covert narcissists will endear themselves to you while poisoning others against you privately.

[michellepurcell]

I think these types are the worst, because they cover everything up, not like the loud brash overt Narcissist. I was with one for 8 years, and I couldn’t believe the change in attitude towards me and my family, and the pure hatred in his eyes at the end of the relationship when he cruelly discarded me.

[yourbeautybff]

My dad and my sister are both covert narcissists. It’s basically death by a thousand cuts. There is rarely any one major thing they do to hurt you. It’s a bunch of subtle little things over time. You feel bad about yourself around them, but you don’t know why. You feel stressed all of the time for some reason that you can’t figure out the reason. They stir up chaos by triangulating you against others. Then when things blow up between the ones being triangulated they just jump out of the way. They act like they’re completely innocent, and even play both sides at the same time! Selfish is an understatement. They will project so you don’t suspect them of doing the things they talk negatively about. They are takers. No matter how much you give to them they will never give you anything in return.

[rosieE]

I experienced exactly that with them. They are vicious if you are alone with them. They have a convincing outer shell. Very sneaky and dangerous.

[kimberlyvergez]

I notice that coverts are often cited in this forum as critical. However, my experience is that they are not critical until/unless they're called out on something. In fact, I've seen more than one CN who is never critical except in conflict, and I finally realized that it's for two reasons: 1) they don't care enough about someone else to risk disagreement in order to improve that person's life, and 2) they don't scrutinize your behavior because they don't want their own behavior scrutinized. For those of us who come to relationship to become better people, it can be disappointing to never get feedback about areas in which we could improve. But boy, when you point out anything that is contrary to their self image as the good guy, they will become immediately and disproportionately enraged and tell you you're crazy, or better still, that all women are crazy, and turn anything they perceive as criticism back on you.

[lt]

Something to add to ‘you are responsible for their problems’ is nothing you do to help solve their problems will ever be enough.