Escaping the 'Should' Trap: Mental Health & Social Comparison

Do you find yourself caught in the trap of negative self-comparison and "should" statements? This video explores the roots of these thought patterns and offers practical steps to break free.
In this video, you'll learn:
• How "should" statements hold you back
• Strategies to challenge and reframe them
• Tips for cultivating self-compassion

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Disclaimer: All of the information on this channel is for educational purposes and not intended to be specific/personal medical advice from me to you. Watching the videos or getting answers to comments/question, does not establish a doctor-patient relationship. If you have your own doctor, perhaps these videos can help prepare you for your discussion with your doctor.

[tayzonday]

Sometimes my problem as a person with hyperphantasia from a heavily controlled upbringing is that the grass can seem greener over every human fence . . . and I was denied the exposure-derived self-knowledge and emotional processing help to develop a pragmatic “shouldn’t” to attenuate my “shoulds.”

[sweetb]

This came just in time as I was hit with the weight of hearing another friend moving forward and I’m feeling stuck and like everything was in vain.

[ameliahenderson]

These videos are so important and relevant. We are never too old to learn about ourselves and better ourselves. I’m 47 and only two years ago did I learn to love myself. The techniques that Dr. Marks teaches really are fundamental. I am overflowing with gratitude ❤

[lesley]

First thing that my first therapist told me was to quit shoulding on myself! It changed my perception of that word.

[MrVidyaMan]

I've found that my life is plagued with "shoulds" towards myself (im very much a perfectionist)

This video was very helpful, thank you

[emmajoy]

Best advice I ever received and used was to drop “should” “but” and “sorry”

[Soraviel]

My relatives do this to me, comparing me to someone else and it always knocks my confidence a lot (especially when they compare my ASD to some one else that have ASD as well and they keep on forgetting every person that has ASD experiences it uniquely differently).


Other than that i wholeheartedly agree with everything you have said in your video.

[marywolfe]

Someone once said put down the hammer and pick up a feather. STOP beating yourself up!

[LadyRenira]

I get regularly caught up in "shoulds" that I set for myself and have to challenge them consistently. It's exhausting, but over time you'll get better at setting less of them and as a result, disappoint yourself less.

[randoomly]

Oh how I love this! The reframed sentences made me feel great just by hearing them

[moneygoodmauri]

This woman is great at doing this! Appreciate all the great advice doctor! You have helped me more then you know!

[catrionarodgers-murray]

Thank you, Dr. Tracey. This video hit home for me and reminded me of the dangers of comparison. I appreciate how you provide such a thorough but digestible mental health education to your viewers. Thank you so very much!!

[natashyas]

Thank you for giving examples of how to reframe our shoulds

[TeeTitans]

1:34 I had a “mentor” as a teenager who told me that I was “too smart to work at Walmart”… I was about 17 or 18, had just been kicked out by my foster mom whose husband was sexually abusing me and was mothering a toddler. I did everything she told me to do and by 19 I was working in a private research lab. I did that for 3 years until my mental health started to crumble.

Now, at 27, it feels like my life is a total mess. I feel so much guilt and shame for being unemployed and feel like I’m useless if I’m not being exceptionally productive. I’m not sure if she realizes how deeply she bruised me even though she was just “trying to be helpful”. I’m sick of these expectations of me due to my ability to express myself and my academic success as a child. I feel extremely guilty when I can’t deliver on these expectations.

[toby]

I got people around me who talks "you should… you should… they should… it should…"

[JamaicaYam]

I love Dr. Marks, the animation (non-diverse) voices; not so much. Her voice is so much better.

[gregm.]

As usual, thanks for a great video Dr Marks ! I can relate to the first 5 'should's, especially "I should be married by now" and "I should be further along in my career", which looking at it objectively, I really should, and I'm close to 60. The reason I haven't realised my 'shoulds' is because of my major depression, which I've had to deal with over the last at least 45 years, and sadly, am having to exist with. My 'career' is all but dead now, having been made redundant 6 years ago, and my depression just destroying everything in its path. I've never married, nor have I (which you might expect if I had been), been divorced, so as far as I can see, I'm potentially where I'd have been if I were married and divorced - alone, but still having my house.

[louwolbert]

Thanks so much for this, Dr. Tracey. This really hit home for me.

[jthrone]

My therapist told me “you’ll should your pants” and I think of it every time I say should now.

[chanikacarrington]

This is exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you.