A Warning to Selfless People Pleasers...

There's unfortunately a dangerous side to selflessness. One where we give and give and give but end up exhausted and angry because so many people took advantage of us. Some people call this people pleasing, some call it toxic empathy. The point is there's nothing wrong with giving, but we also need to protect our time and energy from selfish or narcissistic people who only seem to take.

Watch next: 7 Clues to Spot the Narcissist Early
#peoplepleaser #empath #selflessness

[leeleeg]

I heard this said once and it hit hard: “If you are a giver, please know your limits because the takers don’t have any.” I found it helpful.

[BarbMnz]

Selflessness, at the cost of abandoning our own needs, is not selflessness, it's codependency.

[BullishBananaTrader]

Took me 34 years to realize I had no boundaries and couldn't say no to people because doing things for people was my way of trying to get love but it just got me used.

I also became the 'asshole' once I started saying no, making sure my cup was full before filling someone else's, etc.

[Lifeguard]

If they are UNWILLING OR UNABLE to respond, communicate, compromise, listen, acknowledge, apologize, whatever… it’s TIME TO STOP 🛑

[juliesanders]

A hard truth I've had to face recently is that people-pleasing is a form of manipulation. It's my nervous system's way of trying to protect me - by using niceness to attempt to control other people. I'm not a bad person for doing it, but I certainly don't want to continue down this path.

In addition, it means I always have a mask on. The people in my life who aren't toxic want to know me so they can be there for me, but if I'm always putting on a front, it keeps them away, too. It's been so hard to learn how to be both vulnerable AND set boundaries, but it's been well worth it.

[TwistedStitchesShow]

That’s why I have 0 friends. Everyone dumps on me and asks for help but if I need an ear they half azz listen for a couple mins then say how “Omg that’s crazy here’s more about me!” I just say forget it I’ll go home and talk to my wall it listens better.

[personneici]

For me it's not that i fear abandonment. I just thought no one was capable of the bare minimum. I definitely abandoned myself for 14 years because i let his bottomless need overshadow any of my needs. I've stopped treating partners like children. If they can't or won't be adults then they're not suitable for me.

[Hannah-gnvg]

It's not wrong to be a giver..it's always good to set boundaries. Takers know no limits.
Using a victim mindset is just as damaging..if you have to say no, say no. End of the day you're your own person.

[andreac-iheartcrossstitch]

I wish I would have watched this video 30 years ago. It could have saved me so much heartache.

[AutumnMoonlight]

About a decade ago I had a neurologist tell me that I had to stop putting others first because it was literally going to kill me. He diagnosed me with adrenal fatigue on top of the depression, anxiety, and CPTSD. I'm finally starting to take a step back and it's helpful. Still on a lot of meds but I think I'm improving

[lynnebucher]

It's so true that a traumatic childhood sets us up for failure in our romantic relationships. I recently had this conversation with my sister.

[mysticsuzi]

If you never felt wanted as a child, being a people pleaser is the only thing to try and feel loved and valued. It doesn't work. Love self first, then give if you have to to give. Boundaries are needed to survive.

[Hymna]

My girlfriend broke up with me a week ago, we've been together for almost 6 years, and I totally lost myself into this relationship. We were relatively good at communicating, way better than in my past relationships, but it wasn't enough. I'm a chronic people pleaser, so I had tons of empathy when she needed to talk about things that were bothering her, but I was unable to express the things that bothered me. I didn't feel safe to share these things, and I blamed myself for that, so I just tried to burry it all and do everything to make her happy. But that didn't work. She grew to perceive me as overly dependent on her, as unmotivated, and that killed her desire for me.
I'm feeling really sad over this break-up, but I honestly understand her. I need to work on being a whole person by myself. And although I understand her, I'm trying to not blame myself for this, as we were both trying our best. I'm also trying to hold space for me to be angry at her for leaving, as I need to feel all my emotions right now. Being "all empathy for her, none for me" was what got me in the first place.
Healing is hard, I hope it gets better.

[kaygeebee]

When a random YouTube video (which doesn’t seem so random after all) opens a door you didn’t know exist. Or maybe you knew it exists, but you forgot all about it (idk). And now it has you with a notebook and pen tearing, sobbing, dissecting, & prayerfully piecing your whole entire life back together.
Thank you for this. Just, thank you! ❤ Because, it’s because of this, I’m on a quest to finding me again!

[HelgaCavoli]

I need to watch this at least once a week until I get it. Once a day, twice a week, then once a week. Until I memorize it all, until it sinks in. Until I truly believe it.

[caseyviccellio]

When I started talking about my needs and boundaries it led to fights. Now I'm done with the relationship because he is lying and gaslighting and not taking responsibility for his actions. But I am demonized for mine even tho I acknowledge my wrongs.

[rachelevelyn]

As soon as I tried to set boundaries, and stand up for myself and what I was willing to allow happen or not, the relationship, the 5 year 2 kids later marriage, is now ending. 😢 I'm a toxic empath. I just recently read Search for Significance and God changed my view of myself and when I realized my worth was wrapped up in Jesus it's like my eyes were completely open to all the emotional, hidden abuse over the past five years. I'm really giving myself space to make decisions as an adult for what's best for me and my daughters, and that is to stand up for myself, set healthy boundaries, and allow him to respond. Well his response was silence. Which spoke so loud. And now that I'm leaving, I'm the bad guy. I'm the one who's being maligned. But it's ok. I know who I am in Christ now. I know I've done the work biblically to try to restore this marriage. And I know that he's not only being unfaithful, but he's abandoning us for his side job. Even though I've expressed lovingly how desperate his family is for his time and affection. 😢 My heart is so broken. But I know God sees me.

[janemarlo]

Thanks, Jimmy. You stated in a different video that 'as long as I'm begging to be a priority in someone's life, I am abandoning myself.' That really stuck with me! Listening to your videos clarify and validate what I'm living with and without in my marriage... I was living with lots of neglect, etc., yet I accepted it because I still wanted the positives. However, it is NOT acceptable for me to abandon myself! This realization in addition to other cumulative positive beliefs, I pushed for divorce and finally insisted my husband move out. He hasn't signed the divorce papers and now they have expired. I'm working on myself and caring for me in place of abandoning me.
I'm struggling being alone, without any supportive family, nor friends any friends nearby, but I keep reminding myself how unhappy and alone I've been in the marriage. Loving and valuing oneself is very difficult despite progress I've made through the years. Thanks, thanks, thanks!

[CamStubbs]

I have never experienced a safe space to speak of feelings

[staceylandfield]

we didn't talk about boundaries because i ASSUMED he would naturally understand. wrong!!