Men Have a Hard Time Opening Up Emotionally, Until You Do This!

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[brian-nox]

I want to clarify something that I didn’t explain well and that seems to be misunderstood by some people. When I mention to teach real empathy, what I mean is this: a lot of people have sympathy instead of empathy and they are not even aware of it. I wasn’t for example.

If you talk about a problem you face to someone like a friend, they may try to make you feel better and say things like: “oh but it’s not that bad because…” or “don’t worry, I’ve had the same problem once” or “well let’s go do something fun to change your mind” or “let me help, how can I fix this for you?”

Even though they mean well, this is sympathy, but not empathy. You may still feel alone and not understood, even though that friend is trying to help. Real empathy requires a deeper connection where that friend really listens, tries to imagine what you are really feeling and doesn’t come up with a solution but tries to just be there for you.

This, in my humble opinion, is something we can learn to be better at. It’s not something we have or don’t have. We can learn to listen and figure out: what do you really need now? We can learn to really connect, to not come up with a solution or try to make that person feel better (which is what they were doing in my examples), but to just be there for them. The thing is, in this example it would help your friend if you’d say that that’s what you need, instead of them trying to fix it for you or make you feel better (if that’s the case of course).

I feel that we, in a good relationship, should explain to our partner what it is we need to feel loved and supported so we can both grow and become better at loving and supporting each other.

[Bookooky]

- Use humour in conversation
- Energising activities (road trip, sports, bonding through comedies/scary films)
- Slowly teach him your emotional connection activities (talking, needing to vent, etc.)

[renee]

I think, as a woman, men should invest more in their own personal growth. I have been in 3 longtime relationships, thinking i can teach them but when they do not invest in themselves there is no teaching only heartache for me. I learned a lot, living on my own now, no more teaching when a new relationship should arrive. Rather be alone and happy😊

[beaable]

Babysitting men's emotions all day is exhausting, like a full-time job! Can't people just relax, support each other and get on with it?

[BTrulyBeautiful]

The hardest work you'll ever do....is the work on yourself. They need to do the work as I have!🙂

[Elya]

I think a lot of these can apply for women who are emotionally shut down, too. I’m a childhood abuse survivor, and can be extremely emotionally shut down at times.

[hopechenot]

I've had the talks, too many in fact, and I am mentally exhausted. I am on a large scale more unhappy than I was by myself. That is something I can't ignore anymore. It's important to put ourselves on the list of importance.

[beaable]

Julia Roberts said that it's not women's job to be an emotional rehab center for poorly raised men. That we need a partner not a project to take care of. I mean we have already so much to deal with..other than we need to do this and that all day or we won't get the love, attention and respect from our little man-child. I say be a man and deal for real or step outta the way!

[flyingveda]

To me I think that we should all be looking to date someone who is emotionally mature instead of trying to teach someone to be emotionally mature.

I feel that it's something people need to learn on their own and that your significant other shouldn't be responsible for teaching you. I want to fall in love with someone as they are not who I "mold" them to be.

[LisaGemini]

Men with sisters often are better at dealing with their emotions. It all depends on how they're raised and if they've had good relationships with their dads and women. We can listen to them and try to encourage their emotions but I'm not sure if I could teach a 50-something man empathy. Personalities are pretty much set by the time you're 5 years old. I learned that while working in child protection services.

[xMizunderstoodx]

I wish I discovered this channel two years ago. When they don’t open up, I assume they are just not interested. Its not my job to mind read, find answers, go investigating. Sometimes it feels so difficult, might as well just stay single.

[BaconBabe]

Create a space between you and your SO, where they can feel safe knowing you won’t judge him/her. You need this before “talk his/her language”

[iamwolf]

Love this, so true! Connected with my guy when he invited me to play on his fantasy football league. Some weeks I was dying because all we did was talk about football, stats, points, players etc 😅 like can we talk about anything else?! But then football season ended and now we have deep conversations about so many things and sometimes when I’m pmsing or feeling crazy in general he’s just there for me. I think you’re totally right that when we can connect with guys how they need us to, then they are more willing to connect with us how we need ❤️❤️

[taylorrae]

Spot on. My best friend is a guy and over the past five years, I’ve noticed him grow and become much more comfortable with discussing his emotions with me. I genuinely enjoy learning about his interests and what he is passionate about, and over time he began to let down that wall and open up to me about parts of his life that he keeps locked away from others. Now we emotionally invest in each other’s lives and interests, and it’s more fulfilling than any relationship I’ve ever had. I love him very much. I hope that someday he can have a connection like this with the woman he loves, if I can’t convince him to just marry me first 😂

[SamElle]

i dont think its up to the partners to teach men empathy. I think we can help men buuut I do think that men should do that work on their own first. I wholeheartedly believe that therapy can do wonders for someone and can teach someone how to open up

[pnwlady]

Emotional intelligence is a skill. I would be happy teaching it to my partner if he saw it that way - as a skill I was helping him practice. Too many still see it as a “female” and inferior trait and prefer not expressing emotion over expressing it in healthy ways.

[Thoughts]

Yeah, I’m not his mother nor his shrink. My language is adulthood.

[saltpepper]

Yes blame the woman instead of working on yourself!!!
This is my story. He said I was "so, so needy"

[JMeyer]

The whole "men were taught not to share their feelings" thing is starting to become a really old and I'm starting to become less and less empathetic towards men that are unhealed and unwilling to do their inner work, because that seems to be their excuse not to want to commit to some women or move forward.

Many women have already supported men emotionally and mentally and are tapped out. If women have had to evolve so do the collective of men. We are not rehab centers for their trauma. Alot of these men need help, I have done alot of work on myself.

With my up bringing and my observation of society, it doesn't let women use our pain as an excuse not to be kind nurturing ect.... No excuses for men get help or get out my way.

[LisaGemini]

Brian, you're a great storyteller! Loved the story about the little boy and the pigeons. You are definitely right that both partners have to put in effort to communicate and LISTEN to each other without trying to solve a problem.