Why We Sometimes Try to Make Our Partner Sad

It sounds odd but there are times when we deliberately want to make our partner sad, not because we are evil, but because their cheeriness leaves us feeling abandoned and isolated. The dynamic isn't mature, but it's certainly worthy of analysis - and a little education.

FURTHER READING

“There is a kind of argument that begins with one partner deliberately – and for no immediately obvious reason – attempting to spoil the good mood and high spirits of the other. The cheerful partner may be cooking a cake for their visiting nephew or whistling a tune while they rearrange the kitchen.

They may be making plans for the weekend or discussing what fun it will be to see an old school friend again soon. Or they may be expressing unusual optimism about their professional future and financial prospects.”

MORE SCHOOL OF LIFE

Watch more films on RELATIONSHIPS in our playlist:

SOCIAL MEDIA

Feel free to follow us at the links below:

CREDITS

Produced in collaboration with:

Peter Caires @peterlikesthis

Title animation produced in collaboration with

Vale Productions

[MentorMyLife]

Negativity is the most addictive drug of all time. It's so sad to see people try and destroy people that they love for not even knowing what they're doing.

[coachbahman]

Negative energy is always a reflection of the insecurity of their own experience in life. ask them whats causing their emotions, don’t respond anger with anger.

[mayaout]

I think school of life is secretly monitoring my life😐

[nerdexproject]

When my gf was off to vacation with her family, I was afraid her happiness might make her forget to keep giving me love via texting. But I didn't try to ruin her fun, instead I fully admitted my fear to her by telling her: "I am really happy, you have such an amazing time, my cutie, but pls never forget to love me very much, despite having perfect days without me :')"

And you know what? She made sure to let me be part of her joy and love for me everyday in a wonderful and lovely way. :')

Always address your feelings, desires and fears! :)

[briantobias]

It's a bad thing to project our negativity onto others, but unfortunately, in that moment, we feel that is the best decision at that given time.

[ossen]

*When we are feeling so bad inside of us so that we sometimes project that onto others.*

[jackmehoff]

I needed this video today. Cant even explain the timing of needing this.

[Anonk]

Ya'll saying this is nonsense, are missing the point and being totally unaware of the times you've been the emotionally toxic one.

The whole point of the channel is to be aware of the myriad of emotions that play inside us. Not to take the high and mighty road. I've been both a victim of this and the one doing it but because of shows like this, it helps me take emotional accountability.

At some point in life, we're all going to experience something similar but it's good to have the knowledge before that time comes. That's the only point of these videos.

We're all human, and if one human can be a certain way then we all can. It just takes perspective and empathy to see that. We all have our variables.

[zine]

I hate to admit it but this is me. I’ve done this so many times...
wow. At least I understand fully why I do it now. I always kind of knew, but having someone spell it out means now I can consciously remember this every time I am feeling insecure and alone while my partner is peppy and joyful.
It’s surprising I can be this way because I really want my partner to be happy. And his happiness has made me very happy too many times. But sometimes when I’m extra sad and my partner seems oblivious to it, I pick fights with him but really I just want his love and comfort. And at the moment, his joyfulness makes me feel so distant from him.
Communication! That’s the antidote. Get rid of that pride and ego, and communicate how vulnerable you/I feel.

[cheekylilac]

This explains why my ex hated my high spirits...

[HumansOfVR]

This life is for loving, sharing, learning, smiling, caring, forgiving, laughing, hugging, helping, dancing, wondering, healing, and even more loving. I choose to live life this way

[laela]

This was a weird video. While I don’t think that people who do this are monsters, I just think that the reason they do this is more simplistic: they don’t know how to control or handle their emotions so they act them out. Toddlers do this all the time; temper tantrums. And when adults never fully emotionally develop for one reason or another (trauma, emotionally neglectful parents, or coddling parents) they often behave this way; blow up over small things, pick fights, nag, anything to gauge a reaction really.... For them, it’s much easier to displace an emotion, insecurity or a bad day on the partner than it is identify and own these uncomfortable feelings, and then communicate them. Usually these unstable partners see the more level-headed partner as a “safe space” and a bottomless pit of tolerance (kinda like a surrogate parent), and so they feel like they can act and say whatever they want and the partner will forgive them or try to figure out their emotions for them, compared to their friends or associates who will simply stop talking to them. It’s not just romantic relationships either, parents, friends and relatives can be the same way

[sunnysun]

If a normal person does this(not a vampire), it might be simply because he wants to lower partner's self-esteem, because he is insecure and scared if loosing the partner.

[beingpras]

We always hurt the ones we love because we can't hurt the ones we don't !

[BHNative]

Huh, this one was quick and very insightful. Time to put some lessons to practice.

[anewloveofficial]

I was like smiling through the whole video because I realized that I was like watching myself on this video.
I get angry easily every time he does even just a small mistake and I believe that the reason why is that, I really want the reassurance that no matter how bad or moody I am he will still try his best to understand and willing to adjust just to make things better.

[Inerize]

The only way to feel truly and completely loved is when we are honest with ourselves and others - with all our flaws and vulnerabilities. This video made me remember the importance of this! Thanks

[SaRah-vrmn]

@school of life, I love watching your videos! How often did I watch them and find myself in it? You've pointed out each and every single one of my (how it seems) endless flaws, and yet I don't feel uncomfortable by it. Maybe it's because you guys don't do it in a "blaming someone" kind of way. Instead, you remain loving, emphathetic and with a sweet way of showing solutions to a problem.

By watching your videos I learnt so many things about myself, especially that I'm NOT a bad person or a monster, but rather an adult with an emotionally deeply hurt child inside that shows off everytime it feels threatened in any way.

THANK YOU for understanding and for your loving help. I feel like a decent human being again.

[amirj]

I always felt like this was such a manipulative trait I had

[ryroryro]

I’m currently experiencing this thing with my bf. I was promoted at my work last week and he was quite happy for me at that time, but now he’s acting very cold, very “meh”-ish about everything 😒🙄😑 just like these emojis. He seems like he’s not very interested in our daily communication and physical contact (even hugs, he’s not even looking at me). I’m trying to make jokes/cook his favorite dishes/be merry and cheerful/be supportive but the situations doesn’t change. I feel myself like an empty space for him but I don’t show my feelings because he acts like he doesn’t care. Sorry for this I just have nobody to talk with about it (my friends and family think that I’m super lucky to have him). And sorry for my English – it’s not my even second language lol

Upd! We broke up. He said sometimes couples break up for no reasons. He said literally nothing: no reasons, no what was wrong! He said that at some point of our relationship he wanted to marry me. I knew something wasn’t right at all but I thought it was just crisis in our relationships that we ought to go through but obviously it was the break coming up. We were together for 5 years. I don’t need a guy who was afraid to marry me and who wasn’t afraid to say that he doesn’t love me anymore FOR NO FUCKING REASONS 🤬

Thank you all 🙌🏼 didn’t expect so much support