No one is home 🏠- difficult, abusive, toxic people

[HeidiZiegele]

The gas lights are on, but nobody’s home. 😂

[HereForTheCatContent]

What's tough is when they seem to be "home" for others but not for you..

[MissRandomComment]

I read this somewhere described as "don't go to a hardware store for donuts" in the sense of don't keep torturing yourself expecting something (empathy, acknowledging what they did wrong, selfreflection) from someone that they simply can't give you

[costelloandlizzievolk]

This is how I feel about my family’s lack of awareness and emotional availability. Like no ones home. Makes me feel really lonely around them and sad 😢

[amysinger]

I read this book ages ago, 'the no asshole rule'. It's by a Robert Sutton. The major takeaway for me was that in America we assume intelligence comes with attitude, that assholes are smart (In business, this is rewarded so you get a bunch of a*hole ceo's). This is worse for those of us with childhood trauma because we assume affection comes with abuse. We see toxic people from a cultural and trauma place as smart people who will protect us (it's not that they are familiar, it is that is how adult competence was defined for me), We know they will hurt us in the process but we believe the myth that we will be safe, which is worth it . That book installed the question, 'is this person actually intelligent? or are they just an asshole?" My trauma education has further installed that if someone cannot control their own a*holeness, they are not likely to protect me. Thank you and may you be well Patrick <3

[gerrardstreeteast]

Precisely, eloquently, honestly. These videos are life changing for me. You’ve changed the world. We are destined for greatness.

[GloryToGodAlmighty]

I'm out of the fog and they hate it. Thank you! god bless.

[jodikennedy]

My favorite thing to do to narcissist is not react. Once they realize nothing they say good or bad will cause a reaction from you they start getting really upset. They love to control your emotions and how you react they think it makes them powerful.

[pinkroses]

Yes! I've often referred to really difficult people as the lights are on and no one is home.

[bbwitching]

Profound insight for my inner child! She is always on guard (for others) when the public at large is acting up. It is exhausting and now I understand why.

[octoberdawn]

We cannot have expectations of those who hurt us over and over

[chesneymigl]

A hard lesson I had to figure out for myself years ago. Once I did, so much pain and anger lifted. There was a whole shit load of grief left behind but there is something beautifully wholesome knowing that it wasn't your fault, the whole time.

I'll grieve the loss of "what might have been" but now that I know it never existed, I can stop chasing the parents my childhood needed and heal.

[jakemarie]

Right. Their inner parent is not home right now. You're dealing with a scared child in a grown-up's body. Back away slowly.

[karinajacobs]

Oh my goodness, I can relate to this so much, I do a lot of introspection to be a better human being and it’s a scary thing realizing that not many people take the opportunity to do that.

[irissullivandaire]

Not quite clear on this metaphor- are you saying that when we expect a difficult person to self-check themselves, or to be suddenly kinder, we might be missing that they don’t have the skills needed to do so. The skills of self reflection being the “security camera”?

“No one is home” meaning the person is on autopilot and nothing we can do can instigate self reflection within them?

Thank you for all your content. Your videos are Frequently shining a light into my blind spots.

[eveningprimrose]

True and awesome comment. You know, most movies and tv and books portray every character as "real, " being able to reason and "get it" eventually. And it gives us a fairytale view of the possibilities in relationships, that everyone can be reasoned with, leading to meeting of the minds eventually. The characters that don't "get it" are portrayed as cartoon-type villains or just irretrievably hateful or whatnot. But the truth is that many, many people are as you describe...nobody is home!

[lehcarogarp]

It's tough to have a family member who's constantly angry. We act like we're totally normal, knowing a bomb could strike at any minute.

[LMCorvinus]

I explained that concept to my daughter with 2 cups, A big tumbler and a shot glass. Got some water, and filled the shot glass. Poured it into the tumbler, and it barely covered the bottom. I then started over, filled the tumbler and poured it into the shot glass, overflowing it and making a huge mess. I then told her the cups are people, and the water is emotional capacity. Some people are big cups, some are little cups. A little cup can give the big cup everything it has, and it will never make a dent. And if the big cup gives the little cup everything it has, the little cup overflows, and is overwhelmed. She got it then, why her dad can't love her back the way she wants him to

[alliefe]

I just had this conversation with someone a week ago, she was like "Most people don't think like you...they just do."

[Krma-]

It definitely brings a whole new understanding to they are literally not equipped or capable💯