How Did Your Parents Mess You Up? ( Parenting MISTAKES)

What do you feel when you think about your childhood? Do you think of it as a happy place you’d give anything to get back to, or would you rather pretend it never happened? Unfortunately, sometimes parents are not the ones who know best, and the choices they make while raising their children can leave their children traumatized. Here are some of the common mistakes parents make that can leave their children traumatized.

Disclaimer: This video is not made to attack anyone who may display these signs, but rather to understand them and bring more awareness to the topic. Sometimes these mistakes they make are really honest, accidental mistakes, made because they don’t really know better, but sometimes they can be a result of simply not caring enough.

Writer: Stela Kosic
Script Editor: Vanessa Tao
Script Manager: Kelly Soong
VO: Amanda Silvera
Animator: Aury
YouTube Manager: Cindy Cheong

References:

[derek_mr]

As a wise one once said: “Every child deserves a parent. But some parents don’t deserve children at all”.

[dimamahayni]

Something I realized from a young age: we are taught that good parents are everywhere and bad ones are rare, but I learned that is the complete opposite...

[widowkeeper]

I'm 45 and my parents are both deceased now. I'm honestly glad I never have to speak to either of them ever again, and my childhood was horrible. The worst part of it is, I know my parents really DID love us and tried hard...but they were broken people and they couldn't help but raise broken children with their sharp edges. What they did right they did exceptionally well and I really am grateful and love them for...but what they did wrong has left lasting scars that will never stop hurting and cannot be ignored. My advice to others in this position is do NOT try to solve or come to a conclusion...Let it be messy. Your parents were people and reality must be acknowledged for your own healing. It's complicated and messy and it doesn't need to be cleaned. Instead turn your frenetic anxiety and questions into learning how to love yourself and serving your own needs the way you need. Go to therapy, take medication, love your pets, wash one dish, eat a banana, stand outside in the sun for five minutes, whatever...There is life and happiness after bad childhoods and you can make it. Don't give up.

[misscookiesncrime]

I’ve confronted my mom about the problems of my childhood and her parenting, and she just freezes up and when I’m done she just plays the victim like I’m attacking her when she’s done nothing wrong. Basically all of these besides the grades, and maybe the favoritism really applied. My entire teenage years were dealing with her and her husband’s nonstop fighting. Not one month went by without a fight, sometimes not even a week. She never listened to my problems, or would even punish me for opening up. Never supporting me emotionally. When I confronted her about this later in life, she cried at me saying “I took you to therapy, that should be enough.”, like taking me to therapy (and then telling me to lie about things to them) was a proper replacement for actually giving me love and support. The final straw and what made me realize what a terrible mother she is, was when she came in begging me to pay a $900 car bill for her, I asked her just to do one simple thing for me emotionally. What that thing is, is something I’d like to keep private, but it was something very simple and easy. But when faced with this very simple request, instead of swallowing her pride and trying to be supportive, she, without a SINGLE MOMENT’S hesitation, turned around, walked out and said “nevermind”. I was so stunned and angry that I ran out there and screamed at her about it. I had never been more hurt in my entire life than in that moment. While I don’t want to say what it is I asked of her, just know it was the most important thing emotionally I could’ve asked her, and she knows it too. This was about a year ago, and I’m 26 right now. As soon as I’m able to completely cut ties with her, I’ll never talk to her again for the rest of my life, and she has only herself to blame. She’s set me up for failure my entire life and has been a leech on all of us, emotionally and financially, I’m currently paying for her debts in my name.

[Pinkio]

0:38 Fighting in front of children
1:43 Using corporal punishment
2:38 Playing favorites
3:30 Emotional neglect
4:27 Emphasizing good grades too much

[sunny]

The “good grades” caught me off guard because people don’t usually think about it but I see it so much among myself and friends. When we get good grades, they feel worthless. But if we get anything less than an A we feel awful, as if we’re not good enough. I’m very happy to see it included in this list

[eggegg]

The last one had me in tears. As a "burnt out gifted kid" when my burnout began, my parents were extremely concerned about my grades. They didn't give a shit about how it made me feel, forcing me to study. Keep in mind I was 10-11 and you don't really need to study at that age. This then caused my identity to be attached to how well I did in school, causing me to have cry and/or have panic attacks over "low scores" when those so called low scores were just average.

[advitarawat]

I am a 14 year old girl sitting in her room. My parents are fighting in the next room and i can hear everything and i am watching these vids to make myself fell better.
I come from India a country where mental health is never taken seriously and even after taking about all this to my parents that please let me have a visit to a specialist and i got negelacted and now i am sacred to even talk about my real feelings

[peacefurs]

It hits me really hard that I can’t even trust myself doing anything around my own parents, yet when I’m around a completely random stranger, I can say anything without needing to keep any secrets.

[aycaramba]

It's scary how everything in this is so accurate with my life. I'm 22 and in shambles from all the childhood trauma I had. One day I hope I can feel happy again.

[juliuscaesart]

To anyone living with their parents still… please stay strong. Try to seek a mentor and have a plan of action on what you would like to do in the future. My parents never once asked me what I wanted to do with my life, it hurts they were so selfish… incessantly arguing like kids and they were super neglectful of my needs. It was like a constant fight or flight mode. It was beyond sad they never took responsibility or accountability for anything… they always blamed each other. It’s just like any serious relationship, heal first your trauma then you can start to build something special. I’m 31 now, took me awhile to accept some things but I’m grateful and happy to say I’m doing unbelievably well. Hope this helps someone out there.

[zs]

I'm 13, about to turn 14 in 2 weeks, dealing with a lot of trauma from my mom and stepdad. My dad is somehow is the most nicest person towards everyone, but me, my mom, and his children with my mom (especially me). He was my step-dad and he yelled at me the most. He would say stuff like "I wont beat you because of what others would say." but still slaps me. But honestly my mom is worse. She threated to call THE POLICE ON ME (this is only maybe last week). Like what do you think the police will do when they see the bruises? I'm glad I have friends that ask me if I'm okay, but I'm dont really open up about it. Later i asked if she really cared about what I thought, and she really said she doesn't care and literally started shutting me down. I'm glad I'm older, so I can deal with it a lot better. But this video really helped me to understand I need to talk to someone. I just dont know who to go to...

Edit: "I know its been some time, but thank you guys for your support. ❤. I'm now 15 and thriving, I learned quite a lot, and now know that my parents are emotionally immature. I'm getting better as time goes by, and now I feel different knowing that I have less than 3 years left now. But I also found out I have ADHD, which makes SOOOO much sense (sadly my parents don't believe I have it & won't let me get diagnosed. I also have been wondering (research and my bio dad's ways toward my mom "allegedly" show that he has maybe the hyper activity type, while I have the combined type) My mom told me sometime ago that I got diagnosed at 5, but got taken off because "I don't have ADHD, and it was all in my thoughts & I just need prayer". (P.S. I started masking (hiding it) at 8 years old till so yeah, it doesn't look like I have it to you at least)), and I have started to distance myself from parents, so they don't yell at me or anything anymore, or even talk to me like that. And I started making my own money mowing yards this summer (in this crazy heat), and now don't depend my parents as much as before. Hopefully I get more and more responsible, get a job, and move out in a few years. And once again, thx guys.

[antoinetteramos]

I have 3 kids of my own. I was severely abused by my parents and step parent. Until I healed from my own abuse I unfortunately made a lot of these mistakes with my kids. Thank God my boys are still young enough for me to make it right and help them heal from the trauma I’ve caused them. The key is healing from your trauma before you bring kids of your own into the world. I wish I knew that then but now that I know I will do better and always own up to my mistakes. It will get better!

[M.O.O.N]

Let’s not forget the “I’m the parent! You do what I tell you!” Or “I put you into this world, I can take you back out!”
It’s happened sometimes in my childhood and has definitely made me have some trauma feeling and thinking that my OWN parents wouldn’t care if I didn’t exist or I died and has put my self esteem really low in the long run.

[chillmuffin]

We had psychosocial activities in school where we shared our deep feelings. My teacher pointed out that based from what I've shared about my past, it seems I went through being emotionally neglected for most of my life which affected how I deal with my emotions. She said that if we ever have any problems, especially emotional ones, we can always come to her. She explained that she can offer us advice if we want but if we only wish to have someone to simply listen then she'll also be willing to do just that.

Her pointing out how I was emotionally neglected helped me realize a lot of things about myself. Now I'm doing my best to learn more about emotional neglect and how I can develop a healthier way of dealing with my emotions rather than bottling them up and pretending that nothing's wrong

[eagle]

The first two hit me so hard…

When I was 12, my parents were having the worst argument ever. For two days straight, they wouldn’t stop screaming at each other. I was scared to death that they were about to divorce. I tried to break up the fight, but my dad’s instant reaction was, “SHUT UP!” Also, I swear it was him who started most, if not all the fights. And I should also probably mention: he is a former alcoholic.

Then when I was even younger, I took my new bike for a ride one night. I wandered too far from home, and he was not happy. He pulled up, threw me and my bike in his truck, and took me straight back home. Then he put me on the dining room table, and started spanking the shit out of me in front of my mom and sister. I was bawling out bloody murder.

I realize now, I’m nothing like him. The only one in the house I can rely on is my mom.

[lonewolfnergiganos]

Some parents always say to their children that nobody's perfect, but says the exact opposite the minute they see a bad grade or two.

[zantheman]

When I was 15 I talked an online friend out of committing suicide (like actively having to tell her not to), and after having all of the fear and trauma from that, I explained to my mom that that was why I was so worried and distant that day. Her response was that she doesn’t like me talking to people on the internet and that I shouldn’t be doing it. I stormed off and I still haven’t forgiven her for that

[ths_wisp]

As I a child, I had everything I ever needed and I was constantly told "Be grateful". My parents never thought of my mental health however, whenever I broke down because of an argument I was told "Stop accusing me it's your fault" and this happened whenever I tried to confront them about something relating to mental health. This happened over and over again and I was constantly emotionally sensitive and I had trouble controlling my anger. Only my mother ever bothered to talk with me when I broke down but she also had some toxic traits. Every argument was confronting me about something I did wrong with a "Why are you like this" and I would fight back saying that I was trying and it would escalate until I needed to separate myself with my parents. Most of the time they wouldn't let me separate myself and would come storming up to my room to argue again. If I ever let my anger out my parents would shout "Say that again one more time" or "Do that again one more time" and would escalate even further. This normally led to a breakdown where they would say "Grow up" or "You're so dramatic". Whenever I watched videos like this I would always cry because of how much pain I was in and how they related to some things.

[lunathedemonqueen]

I had a mostly emotionally absent and completely grade-obsessed dad and stepmom, and a physically and emotionally abusive and manipulative biological mother. I was never good enough, and now struggle with self-esteem, abandonment issues, and I have a lot of trouble asking for emotional help when I need it.

On top of that, I was also highly sheltered, not being allowed to leave the house or spend time with friends outside of school. As a result I was, and to a degree still am, extremely socially awkward. I didn't get to take the natural steps to learn how to connect with peers, and so generally I get along with people much older or much younger than me, since I have a lot of trouble connecting with people my own age. I suffer with extreme loneliness now.


Be there for your kids, but let them come to you with things and be their safe haven. Kids need to have space to grow and learn and solve their own problems-- protecting them from the world while they grow up will leave them vastly unprepared for it.