What to Do When Mother Makes Everything About Her? How to Respond to Narcissistic Aging Parents

Have you recently become a caregiver for your mother? Does mom demand constant attention? If so she may have been this way for years with your father hiding this part of her personality. In this video for caregivers, Pamela D Wilson answers the question of how to deal with an aging mother who only cares about herself?

* Listen to The Caring Generation Podcast on Apple, Spotify, Pandora or Pamela’s Website, where you can access the transcript and links to documents mentioned during the show

TCG on Apple Podcasts

TCG on Spotify:

TCG on Pandora

The Caring Generation on Pamela’s Website

* Are you caring for aging parents or yourself?

* Are you trying to figure out the responsibilities of being an agent under legal power of attorney?
Do you realize it’s time to complete your documents and you are unsure who to appoint as a power of attorney agent?

* Are you wondering if you should be a guardian for a loved one?

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[heidipurcell]

OMG I just left my moms home, I went for a cup of tea, the entire conversation was about her. It’s so exhausting.

[smartgurl]

I have a very narcissistic Mother. Everything is about her. I see her doing this while talking to anyone…Including myself. She is also a very negative woman. Been this way her whole life. Nothing will ever change her. She thrives to control my brother and I. I am almost 50 and my brother is 53. Holidays can be very stressful. She never acknowledged my loss and how it affected me when my late father passed. It was all and still is her spouse passing, and how she’s sooo lonely around the Holidays. She is a very toxic person and I’m getting wiser when having to be around her. She is actually picking up on how I now handle her behavior. I can tell she doesn’t like it.

[amythompson]

Misery really does love company. This is such a true statement!

[GECKO-MASTER]

I've already tried everything you've just said, multiple times. It simply doesn't work with my mother. I've now had to step away for my own health.

[suzismith]

Reading these comments makes me feel that all of you were raised by MY mother! Exact same stories. In order to find some relief, I've gone no contact. Now my brothers are getting hit harder.

[alexmorgan]

My mother is a very selfish narcissist who has dementia. She was an only child who never knew her father as he was a pilot killed in WW2. If she cannot get her way she is stubborn awkward uncooperative difficult. Now has moderate cognitive impairment. Dealing with her was exhausting and soul destroying. It is like I have become the parent and she has reverted to a child mentality. She accepts NO fault or blame WHATSOEVER. Anything that she has messed up is down to some one else or ME. A few months ago I got so sick of her turning everything around to her I started to treat her with sarcastic indifference which really riled her, but like you suggested I just told her I didn't wish to talk/argue with her yet again which made her even more argumentative which I just ignored.

But I got the last laugh yesterday as I checked her into a care facility. It was a real challenge to get her there as she tried every trick she could think of to try to stop me taking her. I even called the non emergency national health help line and spoke to some idiot in a call centre who didn't seem to understand that dementia was a psychological medical condition. I then told her if she didn't get out her front door then I would be dialing for the emergency services and the assistance of a doctor to assess her mental state. She could be sectioned under mental health laws for her own safety. Eventually this worked as still with some resistance she got in my car. Once in I put the central locking on and called the care facility to tell them we would be arriving in 20 minutes. As soon as we set off she whinged and cried like baby begging and pleading with to not take her to the care home. She was ashamed of me. I was awful, etc. I didn't say a word in reply only looked straight ahead to the road in front concentrating on my driving. When we arrived at the facility in the car park she refused to get out of my car. I spent 10-15 minutes persuading her to get out, trying to convince her it was better than the alternative to get out on her own or I go inside and ask for assistance. She kept telling me she would refuse and daring me. So I told her once I went inside to seek assistance they would take over as they were 'speciaslists' who deal with this sort of behaviour regularly and know what to do so if they decided she needed sectioning under mental health laws then so be it! I have had So she then got out realising her Oscar act was over. 

So I got the last laugh. It felt like a massive relief off my shoulders. The last couple of months with my mother have been absolute HELL because she has made them hellish but now she has got what she deserves. Yesterday evening in her lovely new room she was begging me not leave her there crying like a spoilt young child. Even in a calmer moment when I told her I felt exhausted by all her performances and tantrums, straightaway she replied to me she was exhausted too. I told her again "It's always about you, you didn't care a feck about me or anyone else!" Anyway I am back at home now. She is spending her first night in the care facility.

[flowerpower]

My husband tells me this all the time. I really think she thrives on it.

[michelepeters]

I just found you and boy are you speaking my language!!!! I have watch a few of you video"s and found them helpful but this one really hit home!!! I live in colorado and my mom lives with me. I am not married and am 59 and mom is 79 almost 80. I hit bottom last night just because I have to many balls in the air with job, mom, pets and a house. My siblings are not in our lives so I navigate these waters alone and I thought i was doing ok until I hit bottom last night and was just so tired physically and emotionally and I had no gas in the tank. I took a day off of work today to get my head straight and my energy back and that is how I found you!!!! I will continue to follow you and do a deeper dive into all you offer. Thank you for making these video's as they really do help.

[MindOverMatter]

How does this work when you live with them? Not by choice but by situation. Everything leads to an argument.

[heatheredwards]

Oh my goodness! As an only child of an 82-year-old woman, I am ALWAYS wishing I knew whether my mom was always this difficult, and I didn’t know any better, or if this was a later-in-life thing. Just knowing I’m not the only one who has wondered makes me feel a lot better.

[donnastitz]

There comes a time, that should have come decades NO CONTACT" !!!

[jaklumen]

I am doing my best to live as the good son. My codependent enabler father is dying with Alzheimer's and more, while my covert narcissistic mother is living the slow slide that is Parkinson's. The frustrating thing is my NMom is resisting all the efforts my wife and I make to care for both of them, with an focus to my father. Of course, maintaining boundaries is very challenging, especially as my mother inherited an estate currently worth $7M and we have financial dependency that we don't wish to break at this time.

[mccharliebliss]

Hey thank you for these videos, im processing thr fact that, my Grandma is the covert Narcissist 😮 ....its like i can see her true essence now ...and now i see even deeper and i know now why my mum was the way she was, why she turned to alcohol and i now im oricessing my childhood was the way it was, my mum felt like i do but couldnt cope and she effectively drank herself to death when i was only 22 years old ...
My grandma is now 89 years old, her husband passed ladt year, so its just me and her and my uncle who is also addicted to drugs ...( I know why now )
Its been such a shock to my system and im very alone in all this so videos like yours really help as i know shes not gonna change Narcissistic traits are deeply ive distanced myya little but i know the key 🗝️ is in how i react to her behaviour, words and silly mind bending emotional games ....she shocks me how twisted, and bitter she is and now i see her for who she is the pre-meditation of her actions is heartbreaking....im starting to wonder how far back in. My bloodline does this go ? Is my grandma the way she is cuz if her mum and so on thank you again you are appreciated 🙏🌹🦅🌹

[alllifematters]

No my mom always blames how she feels on being sick and that sh can't do anything or get better unless someone takes care of her... So everything is perpetually everyone else's fault in her life because she's sick

[sheilahmercer]

This is EXACTLY what I was thinking today!!!
Thank you 🙏

[tunetweekers]

I needed this so much. I was feeling self doubt...Am I really that bad? So... this video was very much needed. It puts things into perspective.

[sharonfranklin]

Thank you and God Bless you.Some days are trying but this was helpful 🙏

[KC-njhx]

My mother (lives w/ me) is obsessing over her grandchildren lying, to the point of forcing them to state the truth (according to her) to other family members who do not care. I feel she is emotionally/mentally abusive in her behavior, but I also recognize that this is related to her aging and the challenges that come w/ it. She is hyperfocused on believing people are taking advantage of her or me even when they're not. Its becoming sooo stressful. I can't do this with her any longer. My siblings are not seeing how difficult it is so they try to play both sides. If you have any suggestions, please share. 🙏🏼 ❤

[olivegrove-gltw]

this is my mom... and I've only realized now that I'm in my 30s...

[dnvdxgp]

Answer to your question? I am 61 and just realized and understand my mom's personality and character and finally figured her out. "I Now when we talk, and she starts complaining with the "You shouldas, wouldas, couldas, I told her, with jest of course, we are going to play a game to have a conversation without using these 4 words. So, if she says these words, I started cutting off the conversation and using the Dog Whisperer tactics, with "schh" and pinch my fingers together like he does (the sound he makes to nip it in the bud on bad behavior). She is familiar with the show. And I couldn't believe it, and then she realized how much she says it when I "schhh". Then she actually started laughing at herself. I couldn't believe it. I saw my mother, "MY" Mother, have a real in the gut laugh. Then we both got tickled. 😂🤣. After a few times of doing this, it has worked and she actually catches her own self and makes the noise before I do.