Internalised Ablism

In this weeks video I'm talking internalised ablism and the ways it can impact disabled people. I hope you find it helpful.

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A little bit about me:
Hi I'm Purple Ella and my family is an autism family with three out of five of us on the autistic spectrum. I also have a connective tissue disorder (hypermobile Ehlers-danlos syndrome). So life can be a challenge but also a lot of fun.

Helpful links

[thewitch]

Levels of internal abalism
1. Disregarding yourself as disabled
2. Accepting yourself as "not normal" but not accepting the label
3. Accepting your label but trying to overcome it.
4. Telling others about your disability but nothing that you actually really need
5. Asking for support when it is absolutely needed (yes, until here, you don't ask for support and won't get any unless others do it)
6. Being open about your support needs with others.
7. Asking for support when you not absolutely need but need.
There's probably more but I'm on the 4th or 3rd one myself so sorry if i missed any

[ksthoughtpalace]

Only recently did I start to try to be openly autistic, by doing things you said like stimming on public. I like to swing my legs back and forth on a chair very fast and kick high when nervous. In a stressful public place I just DID it recently. I said, "So what, let them think I'm weird, I don't care anymore. It's only a 'made -up' rule that adults aren't supposed to do this." Turns out everyone is so self-involved that I did not see any one notice!! Ha! I also have always done my best not to cry in public, stopped that too. Now if I feel the tears coming I just let them flow out of my eyes. I shouldn't have to be ashamed of my emotions, or the intense fear and anxiety that comes with certain social or public situations. If I need to cry, then I think it is literally best for me to just cry. Conclusion: Less burnout. The energy it was taking me to hold my behaviors back and my feelings in was incredibly draining and I never realized that.

[justshawna]

Thank you for the vulnerability it takes to share this. I have an ADHD diagnosis and autism self-diagnosis and after being undiagnosed most of my life it's hard not to think of myself as lazy, not strong enough or worthless.

[Hanna-rq]

Thank you ❤ 🙏😊 this was very helpful for me.
Im very ablist to myself.
I have multiple screlosis. Literally have spent days laying down instead of using my walking stick or asking my OT for a referral for a walker
I've pushed through and then had really crappy days afterwards trying to recover doing nothing but laying in bed and unable to have a shower ect
I feel like people around me when I had a relapse treated me very badly at one stage so I do that to myself. I would say to myself, " get the f**K up. Why can't you move? Just move legs! Stop being lazy! Whats wrong with you!? Yet I never use my walking stick to get me moving in public. Only at home. Only in recent years I have parked in the disabled parking lot. Despite being harassed by bystanders. I don't care anymore. This I have improved on.

[kennaroundtree]

I have been recognizing my own internalized ableism for the last year or so. I also have discovered that I deserve my own compassion as much as anyone else deserves my compassion. It is a process and a practice to learn to be more gentle with myself instead of shaming myself. Great video!

[makotomodachi]

I have definitely struggled with internalized ableism, particularly when it comes to my mental disabilities and my autism. I am diagnosed with Major Depression, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and Autistic Disorder (otherwise known as autism). My self-hate is heavily influenced by other people. Whenever I tell somebody my experiences with mental health, some people tend to say that I'm being self-centered or that I think I'm better than everybody else with these comments mostly coming from autistic people. This lead me to believe that I'm a sociopath for telling people about my autism/mental health or that I was misdiagnosed as a kid. I thought of myself as somebody destined to be bullied and dogpiled on all my life because I'm different from everybody else. In fact, I used to call myself the R word whenever I felt upset because of all the bullying and abuse I dealt with. I'm trying to find a way to make me feel better about myself as a disabled person. Thank you so much for the video.

[lalaillustrator]

It helps a lot hearing those things. I have a lot of internalised ableism towards myself as an autistic young woman. You help me feel less alone.

[brycewhite]

Can I relate to any of this?

Yes, all of it. I'm especially ashamed that I can't stop myself from a meltdown. Sometimes I've gone for extended periods of time without a meltdown and I think that I've grown out of it. Then it happens again. I've tried to shape my world to avoid situations that might lead to meltdown, but then people start thinking that I'm elitist because I won't go to lunch with a large group at a noisy restaurant. Or I don't want to go to an amusement park, etc.

I am shamed by others for not being able to control myself from having a meltdown.

It helps me a lot to be reminded that there are others out there with similar experiences.

B.

[amayawolfe]

I don't have the words to describe how helpful this video was to me. I'm autistic and ADHD with hEDS and chronic fatigue syndrome, and I feel the way you do. Thank you for making and sharing this video. I hope you can have the care and compassion for yourself that you have for everyone else.

[ksthoughtpalace]

Thank you so much for this...funnily I had the idea that other autistics mostly were 'ok' with it, and that I was 'bad' because I had the thoughts you describe here and more...Inside I say, "I'm a giant loser, I can't do anything, I'm disgusting, I let everyone down because they expect more of me, people think I am lazy I must be useless'. etc etc on and on.

[gracet]

decorating my wheelchair with paint and duck tape really helped me accept and embarrass my wheelchair. I also try really hard not to mask. I'm learning not to be so anxious about being a part time wheelchair user and to mention when things aren't accessible.

[VeganOrganizer]

This video was such a huge help. I've been diagnosed with fibromyalgia, autism, and GAD but I'm constantly sure that I'm faking them all as an excuse for being lazy and stupid. My partner doesn't understand it because he says the diagnoses are very clear, but I can't stop thinking that I've made it all up. It was really reassuring to know that you struggle with this too and to have a name for it! Thank you so much.

[amandachapman]

Yes, I have done that to myself most of my life. I recently (at the age of 63) realised I probably (almost certainly) have inattentive ADHD and some degree of dyscalculia. Now I'm beginning to learn not only to cut myself some slack, but also to really celebrate my achievements.
Thank you, Purple Ella, your videos are super useful and encouraging.

[KatieM]

7:30 That's me, totally. Accepting yourself is not a destination, it's a direction in which we walk.

[urbanminstrelbekah]

This video is incredibly helpful. Thank you for talking about this and sharing your internal world. I could relate to so much of what you said. It IS so hard. It helps to talk about it.
✨💖thank you💖✨

[lugaruna]

It's realy hard to not do this to ourself and try to understand and accept it. This week i noticed i was working myself into the ground and needed to work less even tough i realy love my work and don't want to go home alot of the time. So i talked to my manager and he helped me with making sure i didn't do any overtime this coming period. I also said that i was realy anxious to tell this because i realy like my job and i don't want to go trough the whole process of finding a new job again and everything that comes with that. I also acceptrr that i can't always handel the amount of people in public transport so when i notice this i switch to first class instead of suffering trough it:).

[fishgarden]

i feel as though i've been doing a really good job combatting my internalized ableism; i let myself stim, i let myself say no to things when i need to, i let myself rest on days when i can't do anything without crying because of the pain. i am kind to myself when i have meltdowns and shutdowns, and when an activity is causing me pain i make myself take a break instead of powering through because i need to take a break and that's okay.


i didn't realise how much i pretended to be neurotypical. i thought i was just masking, and i suppose i am, because thats what it is, isn't it? if i'm at an event or something similar, i don't let myself do the things i need. i don't give myself rest, or breaks. i'm not doing things i need to do, because i have to be a "normal" person.


in all other areas of my life, i fight against "being normal", and it's only just now that i've realised i'm not fully supporting myself. but now that i know, i can work on being kinder to myself, and lessen my internalised ableism. it's easy to focus on the negatives, but when we choose to be positive things get a little better. i can change and i can be kind. "focus on what you can do, not what you can't do." thank you for that !

[jyotivyas]

Mobility aids, believe in my diagnosis, , , dysprexia, autism, chronic fatigue, etc, , judging myself😮, hide autisistic, , 😅😅pretending to be ablistic😮😅😂😂, same, ,
Noticing and being Compassinate being in Acceptance. 😮😅👌💐👍Embracing Myself, not hiding my disability, stimming😅😅😊😂😮😂❤👌💐👍thank you Dear Purple...Ella❤❤

[skyedreams]

You are incredible! I’ve had arthritic conditions which have made me need a wheelchair, cane, braces-I can relate. I also have CFS & fibromyalgia-actually several nerve injuries, torn rotator cuff, & still arthritis in neck and back😭.
A huge part of any kind of recovery is to practice loving, kind, compassion towards ourselves.
I’m also in AA and love their recovery sayings like “HALT” (stop and practice self care when ‘hungry, angry, lonely, tired’), “One day at a time”, or when telling people we are “fine” it really means “fearful, insecure, neurotic and emotional”, so practicing ‘identifying and expressing feelings’ is a big one for me, part of my recovery-which will be ongoing throughout life & even though the challenges don’t disappear I embrace my recovery journey!🤗

[andrewwilks]

As someone on the autism spectrum, I stim by wiggling every now and then and it feels good and not ashamed of who I am at all. Love what is said! Thank you!