5 Questions to Ask Yourself Before Trying Polyamory

The decision to venture into polyamory can be a wild ride of emotions, but before you go diving in head first it's important to ask yourself some questions first. Conscious decision making about the relationship type and personal assessment of your communication and emotional needs are to be considered.

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Twitter: @thePolyVlog

[anonymousnumber]

I really enjoy you videos. I'll be honest. I started looking up polyamory because my wife left me to pursue this lifestyle. I wasn't happy with that as monogamy, to me, is about giving yourself 100% to one person heart and soul. With that in mind I don't judge and people do what they want as long as no one get's hurt. But I do have a question. My wife doesn't communicate her feelings until months later. She internalizes and self processes and doesn't include her partner (me at the time) and her lack of communication caused problems in our marriage. So the question is: Can a person like that survive in poly relationships?

[manyperspectives]

This was incredibly informative. I think I'm ready for polyamory. I just hope I can find someone that shares my views : /

[GrissosFighters]

Interesting perspective and questions for this topic. I'll admit that poly amorous relationships interest me, but I've never experienced that type of relationship myself. Great video.

[laurawallace]

Ok, so my husband of 3 years just told me that he wants to have an open poly marriage, I however am very hurt over the fact that I am not enough for him. I really want to stay monog. But he feels an emptiness and a nagging feeling that he really wants to be poly. We really don't want to get a divorce or split up, but I don't know what to do or where to go from here. I can't honestly say that I will be okay with him seeing other women but I don't want him to be miserable. Any advice would be greatly appreciated

[amelaaa]

If is someone in bdsm relationship and he/she fuck other/2 or more people is not this polyamory? Or bdsm have nothing with this...? I am need to understen this, becase I have a big issue to solve with myself... I am not intersted in polyamory...but I have read today one article and I have one expirance that hurt me and my emotions... In some way I now that I hurt myself because I belived that I now myself and I trust people that prove a lot time before that I can not trust them... Some people only see them self... and I am not judging, but if any person do bdsm or polyamory I think that they must to say to other person at the beginning ... before you involve a person in something that is not aware of what it is ...Especially when it comes to a person you know and you know it is very sensitive....Tell me when this is done by someone who says that you are important to him and has no open cards ... until you obviously ask ... what does that mean?

[azsunburns]

Poly = Fantasy privilege in a real world.

One of the saddest & most horrifying statements I've ever heard & felt was from a 38 yo man with strong narc behaviors. He was in a polyamorous relationship with a 22 yo mentally screwed up girl since she was 19 & he was 35. He was vague to how they met. He was often vague. He was often semi honest, yet deceptive. Made excuses for his life. Blamed other people & situations for his troubles. He had no history of stable relationships in his past. His relationship with his parents was estranged. He claimed his mother was often very angry. Never said why. He grew up never needing anything, the family had money, but not physically in demand by women. He was well educated, was given opportunities through college many never receive. Had after school disciplinary activities given to him for years & keeps those talents to this day. Privileged. Able to find decent paying work in different fields.

This girlfriend screamed dysfunctional & looked like a 12 year old boy. Her family life was left behind due to abuse. She was gender confused, they both had 3 other partners. Every time he spoke of her he seethed with discontent & misery. Once saying he sometimes had to assure her for hours that he loved her. When he didn't love her & never did. That was obvious. He was using her to fulfill his fantasies & get somewhere else. She was using him because he fulfilled a sexual daddy figure while allowing her to be a slut too. Any sane & mature 35 year old man isn't going to get into a relationship with a mentally unstable, abused 19 year old girl who doesn't even look anything like an adult. Yea, he's also heavily invested in really twisted porn. Gee.

She constantly had health issues & her other partners rarely helped much. His life was always a heartache.

He said so many things that just screamed dysfunctional, yet never wanted to confront it was due to his thinking, lifestyle choices & the people he chose to be around. He also admitted to being a social "megalamorph". In other words, he was good at shape shifting his personality to fool people.

The day I met her, he introduced us & said about me to her: "She's the highlight of my day here" and smiled big.

The comment seemed fairly nuetral until I saw her reaction, which screamed putting her down, letting her know he was on the prowl, while at the same time trying to compliment me. Well, you don't compliment me by insulting & hurting the girl on your arm. Considering their lifestyle & her mental issues, he should have known that would have hurt her, yet he didn't care.

I watched her face drop. Her friendly smile aimed at me turned to total pain. She looked up at him & all he could do was smile & close his eyes. She would never look at me again when we ran into each other at his work. *I had a membership where he worked. I was there a few times a week.

My heart broke for her. At this time I didn't know about their lifestyle. I could just see it was all totally deeply screwed up.

I further tried to befriend him simply because I felt for the situation & knew I would be seeing him many hours each week. Might as well make friends instead of harboring discomfort towards this guy.

They had a deal...if she finished college while he worked, she would work while he got his third degree, since he wasn't using his first two much. He worked daily, yet was highly invested in sluttery, child like hobbies, his physical appearance, violence & highly predatory/ misogynistic porn. After knowing him over a year, knowing he was miserable, yet claiming he "loved" 3 of his women & "so so liked" the 4th... * she was access to consensual sex so that made it perfectly healthy for her he didn't feel the one he was living with was "main" partner material.... in other words, room to move her down the line & add in a new toy. I stopped into his work & we had a chat. He blurted out his girlfriend was being looked at by companies out of country. If she was hired, they would move & he would be "set".

In other words, she's miserable, he's miserable. He had admitted to not finding time to be with his other partners. We all only have 24 hours in a day. He moved across country to this city with her & within 3 years found 3 other women to "love", who also all had other partners to find time for... & all are magically safe from negative physical & mental consequences. ....but he would drop them all & move to a new country with this highly unstable mentally distraught child of a girlfriend, because hey...she was now making money, could be counted on, let him be a slut, he would be happy & he could find other sluts to be sluts with. All in the name of polyamorous love.

True Story. But it's never their fault.

I'm not going to stop befriending people. I'm just sickened & horrified I cared so much about his friendlier side & our commonalities, I let so many warning signs go. I felt he had more & better things in him. Now I'm not so sure. Only he can decide that. Plus, this guy calls himself a feminist.