Are INFJs Good Listeners? | Challenging Misconceptions

All photography courtesy of Pixabay.

[gemeinschaftsgeful]

In a way, I think so much of being an INFJ has gone into not making me a
good listener: Harmony above all else, Chameleon effect, a desire to
understand more than be understood, my mind will latch on to something
said as supremely important and go off on an internal tangent thinking
and thinking while the other persons continued speaking becomes
background noise. It's very embarrassing to me to want to bring back a
topic that has come and gone in conversation but my mind just latched on
and wanted to examine it and understand it more intensely. I have been
often dishonest in conversations because I will almost instantly
determine something as false in the other persons statement but not
immediately have formulated why or what is the underlying motives for
the falsehood are and how to broach the falsehood so I remain attentive
as if I am affirming what they are saying.

[TreasureSeasons]

Omg, I love the visuals. I tend to tune out people I don't want to listen to 😂 I do adore rainy days 😺 it's raining right now. 💆 I didn't grow up with a loud family. It was quietly intense. Loud people can be obnoxious to me if they're not listening to themselves or to rebuttal.

[דיןהיכל]

I grew up in a loud family and if you wanted a voice you had to be loud, thus I never really went through the INFJ whispering phase. However, I did for a short time when I was 15 to 16-years-old. As you did, I also noticed from an early age that people don’t listen, but rather are thinking about what they are going say next. I get triggered when people do that to me. If you aren’t important to me (inner circle), I will never waste time talking to you again until you prove to me you are able to listen. If you are family or inner circle, I’ll correct you. When I’m having a real conversation, I throw my entire self into that conversation and for a person not too listen is extremely disloyal and rude. Yes I’m a good listener/observer and I expect no less. It’s amazing to me how as you share, how closely our lives track. I’m 56 so I’m guessing we grew up in the same culture of the late 70’s early 80’s.

[thejoycatcher]

Yes! It’s a skill! I think I’m a conditional listener to be honest. It depends on who’s speaking and what the topic is. Sometimes it’s a waste of time when it’s one sided and so you’ll have to decide what battles you fight. Loud! Oy! My hubby’s family is this way. Very extra. LOL I come from a big family. Last of 10 children. Taking turns listening and speaking was a joke! Hahaha I felt so frustrated and so if anyone stopped to listen I felt seen?! And there was a time when I was not allowed to speak my mind or feelings. I was frustrated and begin to feel worthless and invalidated. But because if this I check myself. Because I’m not always a good listener and I have so much to learn! So while I wasn’t allowed to speak I watched and I listened in! I’ve always had a curious mind. In a way I turned it into my advantage. It is not always easy but it’s vital if you want peace and more knowledge! That’s why I don’t even use many labels. People work in absolutes sometimes. I don’t believe in absolutes. It’s a individual I see or try to. You put it so well! As humans we want validation and inclusion but we have to learn to give it too! ❤️

[loref]

Listening comes from intent. I have to actively work to piece together what the other person is saying, clear my mind, and picture what they are saying as opposed to what I'd like to say. It is a constant battle, and I say 'battle' because it can be painful and very grueling to rewire your brain this way. As a child, I was constantly interrupted. To this day, I recognize being interrupted in nearly every conversation I have. While, this is frustrating, it helps me to note the times I have interrupted someone for the sake of being heard, and it helps me to fix my own conversational inadequacies. Sadly, I have yet to meet another intentional listener. I think it is a bit ironic when we have the ability to communicate so well, so often, and so effectively in this time.

I appreciate this video, and your insights. Thank you.

[emilyroseogland]

Thank you! I really resonate with a lot of this! I'm always finding that I am predicting how I will, or "should, " react in conversations. I'm always thinking ahead and trying to mold myself to fit the vision of what I think I ought to be in that moment. It reminds me a bit like ice skating, how the blade melts the ice a fraction of a second before it glides through, so that the next moment is perfectly orchestrated to unfold as we see fit. Some of my most engaging friendships and relationships, in contrast, have been with people who are a constant surprise, which means that I am constantly surprising myself along the way.


But, does the fact that most of my interactions are not like this mean that I am a "bad" listener? For me, I know I ought to work on this; in normal small-talk conversations, especially, I find that my mind is almost always drifting elsewhere. But in those more demanding moments, I find that I am attuned to the other person and to how I perceive that they see me, even if I only realize this just after. If I spend long enough with them, I even mirror their colloquialisms or tone, so as to make them – and myself, thereby – more comfortable. I know this is almost entirely protective.... but I like to think that I am being kind to them in the process. I think, at least in this instance, one of my greatest weaknesses can also be one of my greatest strengths.

[shaunbeswarick]

Becoming a nutritionist, I have learned, without doubt, that I am NOT a good listener...and I need to work on it!!!

[DTheHAge]

I think one of the reasons why INFJs tend to feel missunderstood is that people don't understand what they are talking/believing in. A good example is the MBTI typing. It's just the function stack, how we perceive our environment and tend to think. But not with any character traits. Sure, many traits result out of it, but it's not automatic.

[gemeinschaftsgeful]

I don't understand why some are confused about their personality type. I think it might be that they are short cutting ie. I don't need to take the test, I'll just watch a video, or being dishonest, perhaps unintentionally, they just don't know themselves very well. Some of this dishonesty may spill over later into wild claims.
How I am talking and listening,  relates often  with whom I am speaking or listening. There are undercurrents of psychological reasons why I am a calculating  sparring listener, in my head designing responses  or  a good listener present in the moment (much rarer). Trust and history pop into mind as some of the key  ingredients. The more pain I'm in, the less I can reveal of myself. I become very opaque. Can't we just talk about the weather? Pain can come from many sources.

[jordandavis]

Would you agree that introspection is key to every behavioral change?

[joseramirez-hhsw]

Nice thumbnail and title. I mean it's vulgar as hell but I would click it.