How To Know If Someone is Right For You | Jordan Peterson Relationship Advice

"The best relationships are predicated on attraction, trust and negotiation. And it's constant. You're constantly negotiating to maintain the relationship—to expand it."

► Speaker: Jordan Peterson

► Transcript:

How can you tell if the person you're in a romantic relationship with is the right person to spend the rest of your life with?
Uh, you can't. You actually decide that, rather than discovering it. I might suggest what you might look for on the way to making that decision, all things considered, a certain amount of similarity on the personality dimensions between the two of you is probably to be recommended.

If you differ tremendously in trait conscientiousness, one of you is gonna find the other unbearably rigid, orderly and workaholic oriented. And that person is going to find you dissolute and undisciplined. And those are temperamental differences. And if the gap is large, it's hard to bridge it. Agreeableness, it's the same thing. The warmer person will find the colder, harsher person cruel and unkind, and the cruel and unkind person will find the more agreeable person soft, a pushover and contemptibly unable to stand up for themselves. The extrovert will want to be out partying all the time and the introvert will have had his or her fill of that very rapidly. So you want some temperamental similarity across the major personality dimensions, with the possible exception of trait neuroticism, which is the generalized proclivity to experience negative emotion. I would suggest that a person high in neuroticism seek out someone low or very low, because first of all, neuroticism is one of the best predictors of unhappiness in a relationship.

And so, if you're both high in neuroticism, you're very likely to be unhappy in the relationship and it's highly probable that the person who's higher in neuroticism needs the stabilizing influence of someone who's lower. Then I would say, well—this is based on my clinical observations as well as the experiences of my life. I think it's necessary, or at least highly desirable, that you find the person that you're with sexually attractive, and that's somewhat ineffable. You can be confronted with two people who are, by "objective standards," equally attractive or perhaps equally unattractive, and find yourself very physically attracted to one of them, while the other one will leave you cold, and that's a deep mystery. And I've seen couples try to get along as friends, try to bridge that romantic gap by will, and I haven't really seen it be successful. So I think you need that spark that ignites sexual passion.

Then you have to ask yourself if you can trust the person, if there are activities that you can share with them that would make up a life—if you're oriented in approximately the same direction with regard to your goals, especially important goals, career and children being foremost among them—if you think you could come to some agreement about how the economic resources could be distributed, or at least how that might be negotiated—if you can negotiate with the other person, then again, if you can trust them. And I would say of all those, trust is the most crucial component, maybe followed by the ability to negotiate. The right person is someone you can negotiate with because there's gonna be differences between you and them. There's gonna be differences in your approach. There should be—hopefully there'll be—because that means that the two of you are bringing different skill sets to bear on the problem. That's—means that you have a more diverse range of potential responses, which can be good, but also that there's gonna be conflict. The issue then becomes: can you negotiate through the conflicts and will the other person stick to their negotiated solution?

And then if you find someone like that and they're of approximately the right age and everything else seems to be in order, then in some sense they're as good a bet as the next person and life doesn't last forever. And so there's real reasons to get on with it you have to understand that even in the best relationships the besT relationships are predicated on attraction trust and negotiation. Constant you're constantly negotiating to to maintain the relationship, to expand it. You don't find the right person in live happily ever after that, life is far too complicated for that.

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[ModComSol]

To be in this mindset requires healing of past triggers in relationship hurts - maybe personal hurts too. Meaning its amazing advice and if one's ego can be reassured enough to remain flexible in negotiating the ebbs and flows of any relationship, happiness in the partnership and love can flow. Thank you Jordan for being authentic. Excellent intellect and awareness!

[Omega]

I hope all of us find a person who makes us feel valuable and happy. People need someone to be with, it is not good for a man to be alone.

[StevoSparta-ttvu]

Haha, I was a “nice guy”. This defines what happened to me and my wife left almost 7 months ago. My relationship with my baby girl was in ruins, and my social life nonexistent.

I agree with a lot he said here but better advice is to learn how to love yourself and FIX YOUR DANG EGO. I have been doing nothing but life changes this last half year and my entire mindset has done a 180. Romantic options have exploded. My still (for the brief future) spouse has opened up more to me now than in the past 4 years. My daughter adores me now. I am happy with myself and wake up positive.

Mind you I can’t explain how I did it, but I am blessed enough to know something in my soul changed. God bless, don’t give up!

[TBIhope]

I'm getting married in 2 days to a man who matches every dimension of my personality very well except for my neuroticism. I have much higher neuroticism. I'm glad to know that we're well-paired. It really feels that way.

[Ykpaina]

The first answer to the question is because I discovered after 10 years that she wanted the hero in me and not the villain and then I put a ring on our fingers and we had kids and set up careers and we live as a family.

[Callummullans]

Consider character. You might seem to share sentiments due to an “oh yeah, me too” thrown in conversation but character is apparent.

[monalisa]

I have been married for 31 years. My husband left our faith and does not seem to value me as I remained in our faith. It no longer feels right to be together. I have tried to keep the family intact but he has unapologetically divided our family. I had a dream a week or so ago a photo and inscription of my name were being erased. I woke up in a panic and realized that was what was happening in my marriage and attempt to stay married and keep the family intact. It begs this question: "What good is a diamond in the hand of the beholder when the beholder does not see it as a diamond?" I have finally realize I am not a diamond to my husband.

[williamclark]

Listen to the video but don't watch it. The transitions from scene to scene are too abrupt and startling.

[MrWhisper]

Trust, Communication !!
No relationship works without it!!

[robbruin]

Thank you once again, I am always so grateful for your life Jordan ☺️

[Roquea.]

This man is tremendously smart and wise
Watching buildings and city landscapes to listen him while seen captions is a release
Is hard to understand sometimes

[akshaypunyani]

Why is Saul Goodman giving me advice on relationships

[mary_canary]

Attraction, trust and negotiation, yup!

[rachnaphukan]

Simple n practical n realistic! No long speeches. He said it all

[solidcatink]

Yeah, thank you. I'm done with it all. Happy to be old, alone, and on my way out !

[isabelalder]

This is wonderful & helpful advice! Thankyou Dr. Jordan! ❤

[maryrosenwasser]

I disagree with the part about extroverts being better with other extroverts and introverts with other introverts, best relationships are when there is a mix between the two, extroverts like to initiate while introverts enjoy when others engage in action with them, i'm an extrovert and have only dated introverts, husband is an introvert too, we balance each other. and prevent each other from staying too much in our comfort zone
And one important thing that he forgot to mention, look for a logic person with self esteem and no tendencies for drama
Both my husband and i grew up in a house where people could start fighting or shouting any moment, so i appreciate the calm environment that we created in our home as an adult

[CiaranEire]

1:49 - The Woodenbridge - Dublin, Ireland. 😉

[CheechodiazALPK]

where is the original footage of this? i want to see it.

[Secret-swih]

I have just found this video today at the exact time that I needed to make sense of my problems with my boyfriend. He's zapping my emotional stability. I'm agreeable, he's disagreeable (with others), harsher but he's educated, good job, reliable etc...I'm more wishy washy & it's annoying him. He's getting frustrated & I'm feeling dragged down.