When You Can't Say 'NO!' - Fawn Response (Peopling)

All of us, some of the time, have trouble saying no to people. We feel obliged, intimidated, too tired to argue - any number of things... but what happens when it becomes a habit?

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[Autistamatic]

The first of a new strand looking at more general topics that frequently get mentioned in other videos and deserve further exploration.

[ThatWeirdLady]

I've been trying not to fawn any more. I'm learning to be more assertive and not let people walk all over me.

[Mantras-and-Mystics]

Fawned and fawned until I couldn't bear the incongruency of what I was feeling in my body - with what was coming out of my mouth. I literally felt ill.

[simonslistening]

A lot of energy trying to change the boundaries and nature of our relationships or stop seeing someone as a threat who weve appeased with fawning

[Elizabethpepper]

The most cruical aspect to understand about fawning is the fact that it is subconscious. A person's amygdala will cycle through the different trauma reaponses during threat and will remember to utilize whichever is successful in obtaining safety and attachment. Not realizing this destoys a person's confidence and self esteem. Theyll feel weak, stupid, bad, confused, etc. For example, a sexual assault victim who go along deapite not wanting too.

In a society that claims and protrays the idea of being victim focused, its astounding that the fawn response is so rarely recongized. An abusive relationship where the fawner attempts to obtain help and safety are not believed and seen as compliant. Socoety understands the psychology behind an aggressor's behaviour, so why are fawner's not met with the same level of understanding?

[karenyendall]

As a late identified high masking female autistic with ADHD, my experience of fawning has been intrinsic to (inadvertent) masking and trying to fit in.

By unconsciously suppressing my authentic impulses and reactions, while feining the appearance of what I think are acceptable modes of conduct, I've never actually had awareness of, or access to my real needs, limits and boundaries.

The real me was so very buried and out of reach.

Therefore it makes sense that fawning would be the only option available to me, to make sense of the world and relationships, and as a survival strategy to avoid psychic/psychological exile and death.

[Sad_Bumper_Sticker]

After years of abusive parents and partners where I was trained into never questioning abuse - even questioning or pointing out abuse was followed by more abuse and gaslighting and ridicule and shaming me- so as an adult I fawn out of fear with stranger or colleages.
I spoke to trauma therapists and I understood my reaction is AUTOMATIC and DISSOCIATIVE where I allow my boundaries to be crossed / I disregard my psychological needs / I am too accomodating and people pleasing. But for me the fawning is an uncontrollable social anxiety automatic response.

Therapy or educating myself on trauma responses hasn’t helped so I isolate and avoid any human interaction as much as possible.

[SergioBlackDolphin]

My gosh, the story of my life, and even today I spent all today to deal with myself and not to fall into fawning with a couple of abusive women who use guilt as a way to make me stop things I have to do to ensure I protect my assett!

[thelifester]

This is the first time I have heard of FAWNING. Thank you

[RaunienTheFirst]

I usually default to fight, although if I'm taken by surprise and fear overwhelms me, I freeze. I rarely flee or fawn. My default to fight is, I believe, related to my strong sense of right and wrong and strong sense of justice. I'm more than happy to fight a losing battle just to make a point. Even outside of instinctive responses, I will keep fighting even it seems pointless. I once kept an argument with an old landlord going for almost a year before I finally won and got the deposit back. Even after my wife had told me to let it go.
She, on the other hand, defaults to fawning. It's interesting that you brought up a book on PTSD as she has cPTSD. She's had successful therapy and no longer meets the diagnostic criteria, but obviously the trauma is still there and I've been subtly working over the years to build up her self-confidence and her willingness to consider her own needs. We've made some progress. She used to let employers and colleagues walk all over her and she asserts herself a bit more now, but her instinctive response to excessive or unfair demands is still "yes and" when a healthy answer is "no because".

[theresjer]

I think it's possible a fawn behavior can be arrived at to otherwise preempt one's own unbalanced and destructive fight response

[SunShine-tw]

Thank you for this video.Recently diagnosed at 67 and fawning has been such a negative and destructive element in my life.Much appreciated

[cortisolsoup]

my special fawning move is the ol’ attempt-therapy-on-the-spot 5000

[robertjohnburton]

The price is too high. There is another way, force them to react by ignoring them or walking away. I will NOT please people at any costs, the world is full of immature childish people. Good video, I like your glasses.

[LilChuunosuke]

I have a deeply conditioned fawn response and I have mixed feelings about it. On one hand, it is regularly exploited by others in order to control me and deprive me of my autonomy by scaring me into submission whenever I attempt to stand up for myself.
On the other hand, my fawn response has saved me many times in many ways. I've been told when my fawn response kicks in, I have the sad, desperate look of a wet puppy abandoned on the side of the road. I have been called emotionally manipulative by people who attempted to do me harm that succumbed to the gaze. It has saved me from emotional blackmail, physical violence, eviction, firing, disciplinary action, etc. I wish it was easier for me to stand up for myself instead of always defaulting to submission, but I can see how my life circumstances caused me to develop and improve this survival skill.
Also some of the sound effects in this video made me jump. 😭 it was very good and informative otherwise though

[Cglay-fwti]

Would be great to see you dive into/disect polyvagal theory, somatic experiencing and IFS therapy, and how these can relate to Autistic healing. I honestly feel like these can save the lives (quality) of SOO many ND folk

[Cocoanutty]

I always default to fawn with a tinge or freeze. Never fight or flight.

Also you sound like the narrator from the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, which is very soothing and lovely 😊

[candycrystalpremium]

"We are expected to concede if this issue arises again"

Yeah. This resonates with me so hard.

I really feel hurt and angry. I'm not sure how long its gonna take to process all these intense emotions.

[robscovell]

I developed this model years ago but I called it fight, flight or bond. I didn't know an expert had developed something similar. Fawning is an attempt at bonding using masking.

[MuscletoothRazorclaw]

I didn't expect to find one of your videos on this when I searched it. Thank God.