Educational Psychologist: Psychology of Co-ed Boarding Schools AEM #88: Morag Edwards | Isobel Ross

AEM #88 Morag Edwards (Isobel Ross) Educational Psychologist Talks About The Psychology of Co-Ed Boarding and Attachment Theory

What does an educational psychologist who has spent 30 years in this profession feel about boarding schools?

And what were her own experiences of boarding school like?

Today my guest shares her personal and professional experiences of boarding especially co-educational boarding.

What does attachment theory think of boarding school?

And have boarding schools changed? Are children getting good educations in these institutions?

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Morag Edwards has spent over 30 years as an educational psychologist and uses her knowledge of child development to shape fictional characters in both historical and contemporary fiction. She is the best-selling author of several books including her recent autobiography about her boarding school upbringing called, Almost Boys which is published under her pen name, Isobel Ross.

Questions for Morag:

1. I would love for you to share a little of your journey. How did you get into the work you now do?
2. What drew you to writing your experiences of boarding school down? How has it been for you once the book was released?
3. Some areas I would love to explore (we will not be able to get round to all the topics...):
1. How parents of boarding school children might “be uncomfortable living with a child's emotions.” (P.17)
2. The denial of the relationship around death and grief. Miss Kent's passing (P.25)
3. Neglect – “no one had responsibility for us apart from each other.”the lack (P.28)
4. Parents relinquishing responsibility: “they argued that they were forced to send their children to BS... In fact, they reasoned, I owed them money.” (P.31) How did that make you feel?
5. Boarding school and broken attachments (P32-36) (P.129)
6. “No matter how securely attached to their parents, all children will feel homesick when they arrive at BS and must grieve according to their pre-existing attachment style.” (P.38)
7. We are told that more securely attached children fair better at boarding school. Do you feel this is the case? (P.38)
8. The separation between home and school and how that was for you. (P.43) (P.72)
9. Ouija-boards and seances (P.45)
10. Crushing our feelings/ dissociation (P.46)(P.69) (P.75)
11. Being told: “The only reason you're here is because your parents don't love you.” (P.48)
12. Petty rules (P.50)
13. The missing element of child development: “I propose that the missing element is a parent's capacity to know the child's mind.” (P.54-55) Please expand.
14. Neglect: “Neglect of indifference in our earliest years can mean a child remains stuck with a developmentally young way of expressing emotions.” (P.57)
15. Corporal punishment (P.58)
16. Patriarchal institutions (P.70)
17. “Our 'home' could never be a place of safety or relaxation.” (P.74)
18. Bullying (P.82) (P.116)
19. How the system has not changed (P.96) (P.107) (P.241)
20. Sexual bullying and Fisherman (P.115-130)
21. The “veneer of confidence, so was rarely offered the help I needed.” (P.146)

#boardingschool #coedboarding #boardingschoolsyndrome #attachmenttheory #trauma

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Piers is an author and a men's transformational coach and therapist who works mainly with trauma, boarding school issues, addictions and relationship problems. He also runs online men's groups, retreats and a podcast called An Evolving Man. He is also the author of How to Survive and Thrive in Challenging Times.

Many blessings,

Piers Cross

[richardrickford]

This is a really really important conversation. I was well aware when I was at boarding school between 1984-85 that having girls in the 6th form was really about having a sexual safety valve to stop older boys having sexual relationships with younger ones. My parents warned me that older boys might make sexual advances to me and I was then basically told well they now have girls there as well so hopefully that is less of a problem. But be on your guard anyway. A biology teacher who was basically highly homophobic and tried to impose anti-gay values on us also said well they now have girls along with the older boys and that is much "healthier". So the young women at the school were I think primarily a "sexual DIY solution" to the "problem" of gayness. This very very heavily implies there were not invited in on their own right to be the equal of the boys in all respects. I think the sixth form boys did see them as sexual objects but also - although they were far too macho to admit it - wanted some tender loving care from them. As Morag points out though even if it had been appropriate for the girls to be substitute mothers they themselves were very stressed out - not least about the sexual jousting there was among the boys to get their attention and to have a "dry fuck" with them in their dormitory when the staff were not around or maybe something more. It is worth remembering how in Peter Pan, Wendy in the never never land cares for the lost boys in her special Wendy house. The boys at the boarding school were a bit like the lost boys but it was just as inappropriate to expect the girls to be a "Wendy" as it was for them to be a sexual doll. What was appropriate was for both the boys and the girls to love and deeply respect themselves - and through that, love and respect (and not sexually abuse or abuse in any way) other people. However if your parents have dumped you in a boarding school and left you to get on with it in a place that is brutal and abusive, although it is relatively easy to be yobbish and arrogant it is very hard to have genuine love and respect for yourself and hence others. Especially when you are a boy and you need to take that all important step of really respecting girls and young women.

[simonsmatthew]

I was at a co-ed school in the 1980s. The girls were called 'wenches" and "dogs". They would make dog sounds whenver they were around. It wasvery macho and mysogynistic. Girls were supposed to be in awe of the First Fifteen rugby team - something like American cheerleaders. The first fifteen were "men". My father has passed away, I would have liked to get an explanation from him about why he sent a child of 12 to such a place. My mother is in denial, I have so far had no sucdess in really talking about it. Perhaps Piers we need to have a video on contronting our parents about the experience.

I am also increasingly of the view that there is a connection between narcissistic parents and boarding schools. This idea that the child is getting "the best education possible" gives them a cover, especially if companies are paying for this education. They get children raised for free, while they get their freedom, with no guilt attached. But it is very difficult to have a conversation with a narcissist, and I understand that psychologists often advise "setting boundaries" or even " go no contact".

[richardrickford]

There is still a great deal of taboo about sexual abuse of children by other children - though I think it is becoming more researched now. Sexual abuse of children by children as I know from personal experience is incredibly damaging and the knock on effects are enormous. If it does happen then it is vital that the victim of the abuse is supported by psychiatrists and therapists who are trauma informed and trained. As well as having having their parents and families and friends to love them and reassure them and really be there for them. It is not often talked about but the context of the first sexual orgasm we have with someone else and whether it is in a sexually healthy and loving relationship (which of course could be a gay relationship) or whether it is in an abusive relationship has huge knock on effects. Talking about these things can be very difficult. If someone does have an orgasm during a sexual act it does NOT mean that they were necessarily complicit in that act. And it NEVER means that the sex abuse was their fault. If sexual abuse is mentioned in a therapy session I think it is important if the therapist as sensitively and humanely as possible finds out if an orgasm took place. Of course sexual abuse does not have to involve orgasms. It does not even have to involve touching. For very understandable reasons some people can find indecent exposure or the forced exposure to pornography deeply deeply horrible and damaging.