6 Blind Spots That Keep Narcissists Stuck

Narcissists think they have life figured out and you should be as they say. Drawing upon his decades as a therapist, Dr. Les Carter describes how they have significant blind spots that keep them stuck in their dysfunctions. Their profound lack of self-awareness prompts them to perpetuate all sorts of unhealthy patterns.

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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. For 40+ years he maintained a counseling practice in Dallas, conducting more than 65,000 therapy sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder. Since creating his YouTube channel, his videos have received more than 110 million views.

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[rwdchannel]

My father was divorced 3 times, made enemies with most of his children and made enemies of his friends, but he still tried to tell me how to have good relationships. I'm not married and I don't have kids. My father told me it's a tragedy that I'm not married with children. It was a tragedy the way he behaved.

[amandaliverpool]

They have no forward thinking. Everything is self centered and they won't find a way out!!!

[francesbernard]

In summary about what keeps narcissists stuck: 1. They are in pain while believing they cannot move away from often being felt inner turmoil. 2 They are stuck inside their self-induced lonliness through the practicing of false pretense. 3. Alienated towards both their own inner life and so apart from others too. 4. Passing on the harsh behavior they have experienced in the past onto others. 5. During conflict they have the inabiity to imagine themselves being in someone else's shoes. 6. Copes poorly with constructive criticism towards them.

[ClickerTrainer]

My notes:

1:25 When you're dealing with narcissistic individuals, the kind of approach where you go into strong insights about who they are tends not to work, mainly because they've already declared themselves to be a finished product. In other words, they already know what the right opinion is and how things are supposed to unfold, and how people are supposed to treat them and their major frustration is "I just can't get everybody to do what I want. If they would, then my problems will be solved." That's not how it works.

1:57 Narcissists are incredibly inclined towards poor insight. They don't have good self-awareness. Because of that, these individuals tend to have some serious blind spots that actually keep them in trapped in their own narcissistic dysfunctional patterns because they can't be honest with themselves about who they are and what's going on. They continue to perpetuate all of the compensation patterns that they're in and they just they create all sorts of havoc with you as you try to engage with them.

3:11 There are some significant things about themselves that they simply don't see and they're not going to make any kind of improvements until they do see these.

3:23 The first blind spot is they're defined not just by their fears and their shame (I mean, yes, they are defined by that) but they're defined even at a deeper level by an existential pain. These individuals are hurting. That goes way back in their deep history. Things have not played out well with certain key individuals.

3:57 Rather than saying "Somebody is going to walk me through this and we're going to figure this out, " there's a certain ineptitude that they had way back. When they began developing the false self it was like "Well, if I say this that's going to get me in trouble. If I do this, that's going to keep me out of trouble." So they don't really develop core emotional or psychological competence.

4:24 They're trapped by their own existential pain. It's like "Life hurts and I don't know how to deal with it from the inside out and so what I'll do is I'll just have to resort to whatever superficial means that I can come up to deal with my hurts."

4:42 As a result, they just look outward and think "What are you people out there doing to make me feel miserable?" Because they don't have that internal competence and that internal capacity to say "I need to take a hard look at myself and my coping skills." That's a blind spot. They carry this pain and as a result of not being able to deal with it very well, what they do is they displace that pain onto you.
5:11 A second primary blind spot is they're stuck inside their self-induced loneliness. What they'll say is "I have a problem with a bunch of idiots in my life who don't do things right." When, in fact, no, what your problem is, is you're isolating yourself from other people because you connect with individuals based upon false pretenses. You're not really an authentic person. Or you drive away people because you just don't have enough honesty and vulnerability. You have a loneliness that you created and until you can come to terms with what that means and what's driving that, you're going to continue to have the same old problems.
6:09 A third blind spot that they have is what they don't know about other people is what they don't know about themselves. For example, other people can have emotions like agitation and irritability and the narcissist can say "I just can't stand it that they feel that way, especially toward me." Well, the truth is you don't understand your own agitations. You don't understand the meaning of your emotions. Or if they say "That other person over there, they're too defensive." Well, how about yourself? You don't understand your own defensiveness and all the fear that plays into it. Or they can say "That other person is way too insecure." Well perhaps it's because you don't understand your own insecurity. They don't know about other people and their emotions because they don't know themselves. That's a blind spot. In order for me to be able to have some idea of who you are, I have to enter into the whole human experience in an honest way and admit my humanity and deal with that. Because they don't want to do that, then they don't understand you very well and that's something that they simply don't understand.
7:22 A fourth blind spot that is when they treat other individuals harshly. The harshness that they feel toward other individuals it's a direct byproduct of the harshness that they've already experienced from other people in their life. In other words, they displace a whole lot. If they're mean to you, if they're rude to you, if they're dismissive, or they give you the silent treatment, it's because they've probably had the very same thing done to them and they've not come to terms with that. So if you were to sit down and say "Hey, I know that you have these tendencies with me but I think you've got some unfinished business on the inside of yourself about the way other people have dealt with you and you're just continuing on that same dysfunction with me, can we slow down and take a look at what you bring to the equation?" And it's like "I don't do that." As a result, they haven't come to terms with their own internal grief and their own internal confusion, and as a result of that, they're harsh to you because that's what was done to them. So they just go on the modeling that they received early on.
8:34 A fifth major blind spot is they have no conception of conflict resolution beyond the use of imperative communication. I've talked about imperative thinking and imperative communication. 'Imperative' means it's very command-oriented, black & white, do this / don't do that, you must / you'd better / you have to. When they come upon conflict, they're more than eager to say "You'd better do this. You have to quit doing that." They don't take the time to think "Before I just start telling you what to do, let's look at some insights. Who are you and why do you feel the way you do? What's the backstory? What kind of miscalculations might I have made in my interactions with you? Let's figure out what we're bringing to the equation as we have this conflict. The more we understand each other, then the better we're going to be." They don't do that. "I don't do that. It wasn't done to me. I don't know how to do that." So they just talk in imperatives. They think "As soon as you do what I tell you to do, then problem solved." Of course, that's a blind spot. It doesn't work that way.
9:48 A sixth blind spot is by virtue of the fact that they live behind the pretenses of the false self so they are going to have guaranteed phoniness in the way that they engage with people. They think of themselves as being the kind of person that everybody else needs to emulate when, in fact, they're not real. They're not genuine. What they purport to be on the outside is just what they need to be so that they can get whatever supply they're looking for. But they bring a phoniness and lack of authenticity, and of course relationships are not going to go well when you bring those kind of ingredients. That's a blind spot. They're not going to admit that. They're certainly not going to say "The reason I struggle is because I have some of my own internal issues." They can't go into that kind of space because the false self won't allow them to say that. As a result, they can't change what they can't see. Their problems are going to be your fault. Their problems are going to worsen as you continue with them because they stubbornly hold on to their failed explanations. They're prone towards lying and secret keeping.
11:25 You can be the kind of person that says "I like to see what my blind spots are so that I can grow. I like to have insight so that I can be a person who's making improvements." And the narcissist will say "You sure need to do that." All the while, they don't see where they're coming from.
11:43 By understanding what we're talking about here, you can at least recognize where the futility is coming from. Being open-minded, being authentic is essential for relationships success. Narcissists are neither open-minded nor authentic, so drop the illusion that you're going to make them change. They can't change until they address their blind spots. So make your adjustments accordingly.
13:55 I'm hopeful that you're the kind of person that says "I want to have insight and if it means I have to acknowledge certain things about myself that I haven't been as privy to. I'm open to that." Narcissists won't go into that space with you and as a result, their blind spots keep them snared by their own dysfunction. See it for what it is. You don't have to go in there and join them.

[kellyandaaron]

Most of the time I felt like I was teaching my ex like he was one of my children. The thing is, even my young children had already learned these emotional skills. For many years, I believed he had Aspergers like my adult son or at least on the spectrum. He knew I thought this, but he never corrected me. Must have been a way he knew he could pull sympathy or understanding for much of his outrageous and insensitive behavior. I was not educated at the time about projection, so his accusations made me feel small, confused, hurt. It was all so exhausting, but I loved him dearly & did not know that I eventually entered a trauma bond. The more I loved him, then the more hatred & cruelty emerged. In the end I realized that he would eventually destroy me. He was close. No contact was necessary for my survival.

[cyndim]

If you don’t think how they think you’re the one with a messed up mind, they’ll remind you of it constantly.

[roxymovie]

1. "It's all about me - (a) you (is) are not existent."
2. "Every worth for me lies in the outside world - the inside world is totally unimportant."
3. "My narrative can be changed every second - depending what I need right now."
4. "The world ows me - because I was treated the worst."
5. "Life is a competition - you either win or lose."
6. "Whenever you are against me, I will put you in your place."

1. One direction, one perspective, no mutuality, no equality, blind for the needs of others, lack of empathy, no humanity

2. No access to the inner world, which has been imprisoned because it's much too painful and chaotic; the result is a neediness to fill the internal gaps/emptiness (supply) 24/7

3. Camouflaging all around the clock, masking, which gives permanently attention to the outside world, wheras the inner world gets only more and more chaotic and seperated from the true, inner self; secrets and dishonesty go hand in hand

4. Entitlement and victimhood go hand in hand, because intertwined; it's always the others fault to be "carefree"

5. Superiority and inhumanity, power oriented, strong mindset of black & white thinking, no grey zones, no nuances, because life is too complex to handle otherwise; dominance as the only coping strategy for surviving; feels strong whereas it is actually weakness, evidence for compensating feeling inferior from the inside

6. Whenever someone differs from them, it is perceived as a threat and will be defended with agressiveness like anger, rage, stonewalling, silent-treatment, invalidation, discard...

[ChildoftheLIGHT]

“Can’t change what you can’t see” sums things up for me, Dr C🎯

[deedles]

What they don’t get about others… isn’t that the pre-requisite to establishing a self-awareness prior to connections to others…prior to caring for themselves and for others … followed by empathy?

[yukio_saito]

Their problem is never solved because they presume it was solved. 😮

[Hatbox]

Oh wow, I've got a hiatal and inguinal hernia. Scheduled for surgery Monday. Narcissists can really do a number on your health. They are the gift that keeps on giving even after they're gone.

[christopherhadsell]

#7 blind spot: others (in a family setting) rile up the narcissist, because they know the narcissist will react. The narcissist will always tell about himself as though he's the just and right one, when, in fact, they're not even close.

[karenkaye]

Has anyone else experienced a narcissistic spouse who focuses most of their negativity on ONE child in the family? I know my middle grandchild has been the scapegoat of my spouse. I think he projected his own child onto my now 13 yo Grandson, but the 9 yo granddaughter has spouse wrapped around their finger. It has pitted the kids against each other....& triggers me with my own childhood trauma involvingy own narcissistic abusive father. I recently made the decision to break this cycle & know i should have gotten out decades ago😢

[disastrid]

I grew up trapped at the whim of my malignant narcissist brother. I cut him out of my life 20 years ago but I watch these videos to understand why he treated me the way that he did, and it has been very therapeutic. Thanks Dr C 🖤

[fred.k]

Brilliant, Dr.C you are simply the best therapist ever walked planet earth! 🙏🙏🙏

[AnneReimer]

It seems to me that Dr.C enjoys what he does and he sincerely wants to help people with these videos...I have learned a lot& am truly grateful...will keep returning to this channel😊

[bestimpersonations]

"direct byproduct of the harshness they received" ... you hit the nail on the head. I think about this all the time. How the generation below bears the brunt of the abuse. When it should have been directed to the generation above--the generation that raised them. It's a full generational displacement. (And yet, I can't stop feeling sad about that for them.)

[snowbear]

I have done some of the things Dr Carter talks about in this video. I have lashed out at others when I feel mistreated.

[daafy]

I noticed therapists mention the narc using the silent treatment as a means to punish their victim. However, isn't it a normal response for the victim to withdraw and disengage from someone who has unleashed a fit of rage towards them? Wouldn't it be a natural response for the victim to go silent to avoid more abuse?

[MisssAnthrope]

Work Bestie quit, and now I am alone AGAIN with Narc Boss. 3rd quit for this position in 1 1/2 year. I am bereft. Supervisor in senior employment program (they pay 40% salary) does not understand, thinks I am "just" complaining, so I have not for the past 6+ months. He does not understand the narcissist thing at all. When I explained, I sound unhinged. Working through it the best I am able...