Sufjan Stevens - Fourth of July (Carrie & Lowell Live)

Happy Fourth of July. We're all gonna die.

[valmakesvids]

it would take all my might to not break into tears performing this

[HaggisVitae]

This whole album got me through the loss of my beloved dad. He was my best friend, partner in silliness, confidant, scientific warrior, skeptic, beautiful soul. Thank you for helping me with this loss, Sufjan Stevens.

[eplamoureux]

My mom was a proud single mom who raised my sister and I all by herself. When the challenges got too much for her, she found relief in beating the shit out of me. I lived in fear all through grade school. It was all the usual instruments. Sometimes a wooden spoon, sometimes a belt, sometimes a broomstick, sometimes a power cord. I remember one time, it was kindling next to the fireplace against my bare bottom. I had to pluck splinters out of the welts in my 9 year old thighs. That one was unique though, one of a kind. For the most part, she stuck to the classics.

I was also bullied a lot at school. The worst days, I always knew I could count on her to make me feel better. She would pet my head, assure me that I was loved, and make me the most delicious chocolate chip cookies.

Grade school was a confusing time. I never knew if the days were gonna be good or bad. A beautiful sunny day in the garden could turn to terror. A miserable, rainy day could turn to joy.

Eventually, I got big enough to stand up for myself. And the next time she swung to hit me, I blocked her hit, struck back with my other hand, and knocked her down. I can still see her crawling confused out of the dirt, her hair flying wildly. A look of rage and fear in her face as I stood over her. The frames of her now-broken glasses awkwardly clinging to her face for dear life.

She never hit me after that. But she also stopped caressing me after that. I stopped living in fear of her, but when I came to her with the broken heart of failed teenage love, I was left to figure it out on my own.

I graduated, moved away, and lost touch with her. Fell deep into a bong, surfacing only long enough to flail around at punk shows and skate spots.

Eventually, we reconnected. Slowly at first, then more and more. She attended my wedding, the birth of my first son.

As my children grew older, she volunteered to babysit for them. Her rage would resurface. I had to put my foot down. My wife wasn't tolerating mistreatment of our children.

I said to mom, "I can't let you treat them the way you treated me, the way you hurt me."

She responded, "What are you talking about? I never abused you."

I wanted to scream, to shout, "You threw me across my room when I was 7 years old and split my skull open! I needed 13 stitches! We had a CPS investigation and you threatened me with a belt before the caseworker came over!"

Instead, I just shrugged. And made sure not to allow her to be alone around them. Without ever confronting her.

You know. Like what a coward would do.

Meanwhile, the two of us grew closer and closer. She cheered on my successes in work, boasted about what a great marriage I had, what incredibly imaginative and well mannered kids I had. When I drove home on long commutes, I would call her nearly every day, just to discuss current events.

She once asked me why we got along so much better as adults. I jokingly said, "I don't think we were compatible roommates."

Her call in September 2021 came out of the blue. She had advanced stomach cancer. She had always been so stubborn about neglecting her healthcare. ("All them doctors are just a buncha pill pushers anyhow"). The cancer had metastasized into her liver and kidneys. She only had a few months to live, and at this point it was just a matter of treating the pain.

She was able to attend the wedding of my first born son in October 2021. She stayed a few days after, to watch my two youngest boys go trick or treating.

She went home and began discreetly packing and organizing her entire life's belongings into tidy little stacks in different closets. Always organized, never wanting to be a burden.

I got the call that she died, on Black Friday. I was packing to go visit her one last time. It felt surreal unpacking the clothes I'd packed for our last visit.

2020 was an absolute mess. None of us deserved the cruelty and depression of that year. I was determined to make sure Christmas 2021 was a success. So I suppressed my grief for my children. We decorated the tree and the house, we drove around almost every night listening to Bing Crosby and Burl Ives croon all the holiday favorites looking at lights. Our Scout Elf was extra creative and Santa Claus was extra generous.

And by the time the holidays were behind us, it just felt weird and forced to cave in to the grief. I don't think we're supposed to delay those kinds of feelings. They turn into a mess that just festers away in the bottom of your heart.

I'd always heard of Sufjan Stevens but had never really explored his catalogue. I found this song about 2 months ago, and I can't stop listening to it. People tell me that its about a song about a man, estranged from a sub-standard mom, who forgave and reconnected with her, before she died of stomach cancer.

Gee, what's that like...

I'm obsessed with this song, and its probably not healthy, but it speaks to my very soul.

"Did you get enough love, my little dove?" - no, mom, I didn't. I know you struggled with being a single parent. I know you struggled with your own grief, losing your husband so early in your marriage. And you were always so caring, when you needed to be.

But my childhood was scary, and sad, and unfair. And I missed him too, god dammit!

I should have said more to her. I should have confronted my mom. I should have been braver. Or, maybe forcing her to face the pain she caused, would have been an unfair pain to her. Who knows? Its too late now. There are no great lessons to learn from my confession, other than to keep your hands off of little kids.

Mr. Sufjan Stevens, I'm so sorry that we share such a common life path. I pray you've been able to find some kind of meaningful love to accompany it like I have. Thank you so much for the 5 minutes of therapy you've blessed us with.

[kimmair]

One of the most beautiful songs ever written…

[Delipup]

This version of the song, I would do anything to hear it live like this once in my life. 💙

[User-ftdc]

Imagine you're not familiar with Sufjan Stevens and your friend takes you to this concert. At the end of that song you're lookin' around the room all paranoid like "hey wtf is he talkin' about bro..."

[makokitsune]

I could not possibly perform this. I would break into tears at the very start and the rest would be a bunch of voice-cracks and sobs.

[Nerium_Aquifolium]

"But I'm still alive".

And that's what matters.

[marie-louise]

(Sufjan talks, in his imagination, to his mother who just died.)
The evil, it spread like a fever ahead.
It was night when you died, my firefly.
What could I have said to raise you from the dead?
Oh, could I be the sky on the Fourth of July?

(His imagined and idealized mother responds here. Schizophrenic, manic-depressive and alcoholic, she abandoned Sufjan and his two older brothers, when he was just one year old.)
Well, you do enough talk, my little hawk.
Why do you cry?
Tell me, what did you learn from the Tillamook burn
or the Fourth of July?

(Sufjan)
We're all gonna die.
Sitting at the bed with the halo at your head,
Was it all a disguise, like Junior High?
Where everything was fiction, future, and prediction.
Now, where am I, my fading supply?

(his imagined mother)
Did you get enough love, my little dove?
Why do you cry?
And I'm sorry I left, but it was for the best,
though it never felt right.

(Sufjan)
My little Versailles.
The hospital asked should the body be cast
before I say goodbye, my star in the sky.
Such a funny thought to wrap you up in a cloth!
Do you find it all right, my dragonfly?

(his imagined mother)
Shall we look at the moon, my little loon?
Why do you cry?
Make the most of your life, while it is rife,
while it is light.
Well, you do enough talk, my little hawk.
Why do you cry?
Tell me, what did you learn from the Tillamook burn
or the Fourth of July?

(Sufjan)
We're all gonna die. (Sufjan invites us to live more consciously, knowing that death is coming.)

[ludiazz]

This is one of those songs that make me cry immediately. I've always been an emotional and nostalgic person, and this song somehow represents exactly how I feel on the inside. I can't even begin to explain how much I love it.

[-lines-]

lost my mom after a long-term hospital stay similar to sufjan and this song has been instrumental in helping me continue to go on. this live version sent me to tears immediately, without a doubt the best performance ive ever seen.

[oregontribal]

I found this song referenced in an online book that quoted the song "did you get enough love my little dove? Why do you cry?" The name of the book is "Landon: my killer lover."

[MK-itwk]

I want to see Sufjan live once before I die or he retires.
I’m from Ireland but will literally fly to another continent if he tours again.

[amandavaldegas]

This song is the only song that can make me cry in the first 10 seconds. The raw emotion and meaning behind this song is truly heart breaking. ❤️❤️

[Martin-ruwy]

“Make the most of your life, while it is rife, while it is light” ❤❤

[Nachoidess]

We will all see them someday, we will be together again.

[aethro]

this song is so sad even the camera is tearing up at certain points

[alooncnej]

His best album and my favorite song, so much feelings

[caseyanderson]

This just simplified all my problems. Wow... 😵😭💖

[omarabodaka]

Sufjan stevens is the rescuer of the music
What is the bad if he were more famous
His lyrics dive deep into the human nature and can explicitly reveal and describe the complexity of sentiments we had from time to time
Keep going sufjan
Make us understand more about our spiritual needs