Is There Cheap Intimacy In Your Family?

Is There Cheap Intimacy In Your Family?

In this video, we take a look at the relationships between people who
gaslight and scapegoat others. By using the Karpman Drama Triangle
we explore why toxic family systems engage heavily in scapegoating
others.

Additional notes:
* The roles can switch and switch fast. I'm exploring one variation.
* You could have grown up as the victim or the rescuer too.
* I want people to think more about what happens to their relationships
with the siblings.

Chapters:
0:00 Intro
1:03 Karpman Drama Triangle
1:56 Karpman Drama Triangle - The Office
2:47 Poor Personal Responsibility
4:04 Karpman Drama Triangle - In the Dysfunctional Family
5:26 Persecutor = Scapegoat "Problem" VS Victim + Rescuer
6:15 Examples of the Family Drama at Hand
10:40 Why is it Cheap Intimacy?
11:55 Takeaways
13:00 Final Thoughts
18:29 Outro

Learn more about Patrick Teahan,
Childhood Trauma Resources and Offerings

⚠️ Disclaimer

My videos are for educational purposes only. Information provided on this channel is not intended to be a substitute for in person professional medical advice. It is not intended to replace the services of a therapist, physician, or other qualified professional, nor does it constitute a therapist-client or physician or quasi-physician relationship.

If you are, or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call a local emergency telephone number or go immediately to the nearest emergency room.

If you are having emotional distress, please utilize 911 or the National Suicide Hotline
1-800-273-8255

[momoffive]

I was the golden child and it did not feel like being a “winner”. I was loved as long as I played the part. As an adult when I tried to speak about the abuse, I instantly became the villain. Love towards a golden child is cheap and inauthentic.

[seekingthemiddleway]

My toxic family system. "Your father doesn't have to say hello to you because he's the breadwinner. He works hard. But if you don't say hello when he comes in again, he's every right to shout at you". For years, evenings spent badmouthing me to each other within earshot (no man will want her, the teachers don't like her, she's not like our other child...). The truth : my father was a serial philanderer with a hot temper and my mother sought connection with him by bonding over the idea their child was bad.

[dandee]

Children know, it's just that adults treat them like they are dumb just because they don't have the vocabulary to describe what's happening

[BD]

"Cheap Intimacy" is the perfect term to put my relationship to my family. The only deep conversations they're capable of are the ones that are intellectual and even those they cant stop themselves from one upping one another.

[quintxavier]

I’m just upset because I really thought my thinking was logical and didn’t realize it was negative self-talk until I started writing things down. Word for word, repeating exactly what my parents told me as a child. You can’t outshine two narcissists. They react.

[saml]

"You might have certain triggers like someone not standing up for you"
oh
"or being excluded from social situations"
Oh
"or perceive you're always in the wrong even if you're right"
OH

[sues.]

Would be interesting to see a video on when the child is burdened with being the rescuer.

[rubberbiscuit]

Cheap intimacy is a perfect term. One person's connection with another person is cheap when it is based on dehumanizing someone else.

[karolinesofiepedersen]

The constant trauma of never knowing the mood of the parent and what is “okay” for them, to say/talk about.

[nunya]

Wow. Just wow. I was viewed as difficult because I always called my parents on their dysfunction. I told my mother when I was 10 that I wasn’t being raised right. I was born in the late 60s though, so this type of info just wasn’t available. This will really help me on my journey reparenting myself. Thank you so much.

[shelza]

Cheap Intimacy within family = 'I love you' - as if these words 'seal' everything and make their lack of interest in your life - ok. Now if they give me cheap 'I love you' I'll say 'ah that's nice'. I used to say it back to reciprocate warmth, but all I'm doing is accepting and swallowing 'pretty lies'. No more!

[theperfectautumn]

Kind of like "the enemy of my enemy is my friend".
Why aren't there more therapists like you?? It's so difficult and costly in time, energy and money to find help from another who truly understands this type of dysfunctional family dynamics.

[ghaniabid]

I have watched literally hundreds of hours of videos about narcissism on Youtube yet this one blew my mind. I'd never considered the view point of the narcissist acting the victim to allow them to get away with all the drama they create. I also see how the scapegoat is gaslit into being the persecutor when they are in fact the true victim of the drama and how the narcissist indirectly attacks the scapegoat through the rescuers. The whole dynamic is indeed a deception to fool the scapegoat into believing there is something wrong with them, brilliant insightful video, really opened my eyes.

[daniellemurphy]

It took years of therapy and introspective thought to realize what you so eloquently say in 15 minutes!!! Keep up the good work!

[Nvrsettle]

I just had an epiphany. For my entire life, I never understood why my brothers after getting into trouble with the law, drugs, and moving to an entirely different neighborhood so they could be around “better kids”, , through to their 4th decades of life, revolved around them and they received all the attention, focus, spending thousands of dollars on legal bills and I was virtually ignored. now I know! My parents identified with them and not me. I went to college and moved away 💝(far away-had to for my survival). WOW!

[MeMe-mtxv]

Your phrase: being who you were vs being who you were told you were - that is the core & needs to be at the beginning of all of your videos. I've only watched 4 so far, but to me that identity crisis is the cause of so much low self-esteem, strife, shame, and general self sabotage. Thank you for your videos.

[vivienlegeisha]

I didn’t think this was even It looks like my mother and sister have managed to create an environment where I am the persecutor in all three situations
1) Between my mom and sister (“Here she goes again, she’s always the unusual one. Temperamental, overly-sensitive, she will never get a boyfriend.”)
2) Between my parents (“She is so ungrateful. What do you mean we treat her two sisters better?”)
3) Between my two sisters (“We are the good ones. She’s weird and she left us.”)

Is this even possible? That someone is the persecutor in all three scenarios within one family setting?

I’ve been in therapy since I was 18. I’m 40 now and it’s only recently I feel that I can handle this on my own and bid a heartfelt goodbye to my therapist.

To the people out there battling this, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.and it’s worth fighting for.

[lisarochwarg]

I was the scapegoat. The family United in their hatreds of me. That was their only bond. When love doesn't unite people, hatred will do just fine.

I left them decades ago.

[梨-il]

My parents would have these "family meetings" and it would just be hours of them talking down to me, yelling, belittling. They would then always complain I wasn't talking enough and as an adult I think I might have heavily dissociated through those times, and yet I think I'm technically the golden child because I did well at school and would look after other kids around the neighborhood.

[suncluster]

I have no relationship with my brother because of the triangulation my parents strategized. I resent my brother for falling for it.