Cognitive Dissonance in Narcissistic Relationships

🔴 New Course: Unplug From The Matrix Of Narcissism

[stevedoetsch]

My mother was like this when I was a child. I have a distinct memory of her screaming at all us kids, she was a screamer, and the phone rang and she answered it in a bright cheery voice changing personalities instantly before my eyes. It made a severe impression on me as a child because I realized that she could change how she behaved yet she chose to behave horribly with us, but was different in front of others.

[marion]

when they are nice you really wish its sincere and you 've made the whole thing up.

[smwokk]

It gets truly insane when you see the two in one moment. Being insulted and gaslighted until their fan walks in and in a nanosecond they switch to charming, entertaining guy. That was it for me.

[lamplight]

So enlightening. I ruminate so much due to this. The conflicting experience leaves you in a state of indecision. Brilliant explanation. The abused internalizes the abuser's split personality.

[izawaniek]

Absolutely true, it is exhausting to be around narcisists. The cognitive dissonance is traumatic and it takes a toll on your psyche. You do not know which of the entities you are dealing with at a given moment.

[janieescobar]

This is exactly what happened with the EX...I felt like I was crazy, it was absolutely insane.

[Tomara]

True. They are exhausting and traumatic.

[milvagiselle]

This is exactly how it is. It's crazy the moment you are not under their "spell" anymore and can actually see the "both" of them. It's like seing it for the first time and leaves you in awe because you were living under a fantasy, not really being able to see the two sides until it's too late and you had enough.

[PhantasmicEther]

This has been my biggest hurdle— accepting the super lovebomb-y “side” that would treat me in the ways I’d always wanted to be treated in a relationship and then that monster side when the switch would just flip and it was someone I didn’t recognize, the extreme opposite of the first. I cannot fathom still how people can act like this to those they claim to love and watch them crumble in front of them and at the same time expect nothing but worshipping loyalty and the moon and stars in return.

[bastetsrising]

This is how it was with my mother's private and public persona. The moment we were in company, she acted as if we had this special mother-daughter bond like no other, I was the envy of all my friends for having such a "wonderful" mother. Little did they know that, the moment the doors closed behind her (and I was alone with her), she would start screaming at me, demeaning me, mocking me, insulting me, threatening me. I litterally had panic attacks as soon as I got home from schoool every day because of it. It was horrible. Took me years to get back to some semblance of normality. And of course she's no longer in my life. Couldn't take it anymore. Even though all my friends fail to understand and don't believe me. But I just can't. I need to live my life, not worry about her next mood swing.

[marshallrobinson]

She had what I called a "public" self: upbeat, empathic, and moral. She also had a muted private and dissociative self. It was as if she held me in contempt and I wasn't worth her time nor energy

[collykarma]

I told him before I left I don’t know if I love you or hate you ! Now I feel nothing towards him as I realised he had nothing to offer me that I couldn’t give myself .

[Potatowedge]

It's like you're talking about my life.

[mariannegriffin]

This clip was eye-opening. It explains why I've always felt so different with him. I felt like two different people raising two different sets of children; life looked different with my two older children than I was with my two younger children. I'm still learning how to cope with life away from that male narcissist nightmare. I made it out alive after a few attempts on my life, now feel like I just might live again

[nessauk]

It was so draining i found it difficult to hide the fact i couldnt wait to get away from him.If i said dont make me late for my flight he would do everything he could to make me late.Its infuriating.

[maryfarrell]

First therapist I had described me as being deeply split. Maybe because on one hand I was so unhappy and yet on the other hand I felt it so important to protect the nuclear family, which appeared perfect in public.

I myself because liken2 different people: I was a completely different person at work…he had nothing to do with my job and didn’t know my colleagues at all, I kept them completely separate. At work I was able to grow as a professional but also into my own character because it was a safe environment. Home wasn’t safe.

I think having a safe work environment to grow in really is what sustained me until I left him.

I feel whole again.

[christinasuarez]

Exhausting is an understatement. I wonder if I’ll ever stop feeling like the one side I loved about him was real.

[TheForestgrl]

We were all tricked, I certainly was. Changed in an instant!! I was terrorized and in horror. Traumatized wouldn't cover it because my husband died suddenly and he started helping me. I was traumatized by my husband's death and so unwell. So when he did this to me, my brain went offline. I sat on the floor for over a week. After that I couldn't remember basic things like, how to was dishes, vacuum, laundry, bookkeeping, etc. After that I was dissociated for years.

[louisegarner]

Yes Richard it's on us to discern who's who, what's up, and why in order to fill any gaps between expectation and reality.
Knowing what we really want is one thing but getting there another, it's really an inner journey where we need to pace ourselves, stay the narrow path, bring forth what we have inside of us to effectively discern the differences between the oft hidden variety of snakes, kangas and cuddly koalas we may encounter and determine the threat involved as to whether the snakes are poisonous cobra or harmless python, if that cuddly koala is out of our reach or not, whether it's a red 🥊 or grey kanga and what mood or state they're in.
We need to keep it real when manifesting and come into alignment with working steadily towards that thing, critter or person we really do want to connect with safely with detached clarity much as an inner convicted afterthought we hold to holistically in good faith having made our choices and set our boundaries and intentions we can adapt, pivot and flex as the situation on our pathway unfolds.
Anything we grasp blindly at outside of ourselves will slip through our fingers as it only ever adds to levels of expectaction, insistence and resistence that will end up tripping us up by way of self sabotage, attachment, obsession, addiction and become an over reaching towards fantasy rather than reality which is way more nuanced, peaceful and effortless, in flow yet substantial in it's consistency and inherent worth and value.
It can be like comparing a bank or good investment with a slot machine or scam.
It's like a con artist who knows how to draw you in with all his tinfoil-toxic bells and whistles as he must make it all seem like a good deal but won't ever give a consistent payout over time, there's no real gold of growth or substance you'll only ever get a lemon, it can become addictive if you're unaware of the traps, snares, pedulum and boomerang effects involved and a slave to the constant push-pull influence of the drawcard. You'll insidiously end up investing way more than you'll ever get back.
It's best to be discerning and learn to invest a little then test to meet and match levels of reciprocity, if they do less so do we. Give only and ever from our cup's overflow and never give more than you're prepared to lose, know when to cut your losses. As Kenny Rogers once sang in "The Gambler 🎶 "You've gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away and know when to run! You never count your winnings when you're sitting at the table ... there'll be time enough for counting when the dealing's done!" 🎶 🃏🐍🎲🤯.. 👀🙅‍♀️
It's like water torture where if the drips were consistent it'd be more like meditation but because they're inconsistent and unpredictable it becomes an exhausting and life destroying form of torture for the victim. Intermittent breadcrumbing has the same approach.
Opt for the whole, gluten free loaf by becoming a match for that which you want in a thing such as a car, house, pet, values you're living, etc., or in another person.
Become an energetic match that understands how to love themselves and live a more peacefully nuanced yet well integrated life well consistently alone or with others, someone who places giving and receiving over taking and keeping. 🐍👁️🕊️ 💞✌️

[LadiesOfThePleiades]

Richard I can’t thank you enough for your content and although your own personal experience with a narc was painful, your development post-abuse has inspired so many who are going through it right now. I am 3 weeks no contact and committed to breaking the trauma bond. So far I can say, I am so relieved to not have to hold onto two opposing realities. My reality is healing from this and having my life back..only better. ❤ God bless you all.