The Dating Game of Hot & Cold; Decoding the Phases and Patterns

The Dating Games Guide: You know you're being played, but what's the game?
And what's your countermove?

The Older Women | Younger Men Dating Guide:
Dating a younger man and wondering if it will last?
Attracted to an older woman and not sure how to make your move?

Rough breakup?
Check out: Breakup Triage; The Cure for Heartache

Wondering how to benefit from life's challenges?
Allowing Magnificence; Living the Expanded Version of Your Life

[stooge]

finally. a relationship coach that doesn't encourage using game playing to counter someone else's game playing, but actually calling people out on it. maturity....what a concept.

[mamaknow]

"A hot n cold player doesn't have the skill set to be in a relationship". Words of gold.

[KaElSah]

"They're committed to staying safe." Excellent words!

[lorrilewis]

The sad thing is that the guy who perpetrated the "hot/cold" game on me, was . . . wait for it . . . a guy with a degree in psychology!!!

[Adam-vjlx]

I also add one:

They guilt trip and gaslight you when you call them out on it and talk about your feelings when you feel ignored.

The guilt trip "i've been busy with this and you don't understand..."
The gaslight: "you're too needy and crazy and unstable..."

[rebeccabrockway]

"They're committed to staying safe." At least they can commit to something!

[glutheo]

Basically all my dating life. I'm done being the chaser and the mature person that looks for comunication and answers, at the end of the day I'm nobody's therapist. Screw them PERIODT

[toscadonna]

I'm so turned off when men do this to me that I cannot ever take them seriously or believe a thing they ever say to me again.

[crawfish]

If i like someone i say it and show it. Even if i work a lot during the week i will call them or see them on the weekend, no excuses. That's what a real man does.

[ak-intelligence]

Someone tried this one on me recently.
I broke up with him after 2 months into the relationship.
He tried to make me chase, I pulled back. Way back.
Bye, sweetie!

[Loveok-okvz]

My jaw is on the floor. My guy just started doing this with me last week out of nowhere, he had always been so consistent and now this. We have been struggling and I guess this is the end to it. I love how she says this is who they are, it doesn’t matter how wonderful you are. Wow. I’m so glad I watched this video.

[GilliMarieMoody]

“They don’t have the skill set for a relationship.”(!!!) So many Youtubers convincing us that we can somehow change the situation and/or that they’ll come around “soon”. SO tiring.

[TinyRedFlags]

The hot and cold player types are almost always Narcissists. The young guy version of this type are now called "fuckboys." You are 100% correct that they do not have the skill set for an actual relationship, and that there isn't any person of depth or substance hiding behind the games, whose going to eventually emerge and give you the relationship you want. It's all smoke and mirrors, and a lot of hurt feelings if you get involved with one. Their skill set is all about creating the mirage of the perfect relationship, and wowing you with all that romance and false feeling of connection. They are so good at this, that otherwise highly intelligent and observant people can be fooled by them.

In general, a hot and cold player type (or Narcissist) can't maintain the "hot" phase for very long - 3 to 6 months on average, then you start to see the cold personality appearing more and more often. This will manifest as (what Susan says here) broken dates, not texting you when they should, showing up for dates in "power save mode" (they will be completely withdrawn, there physically but it's like no one is home). These people do not have empathy and do not have the ability to bond with others beyond a superficial level. Getting fooled into bonding with one, and believing that they are your next great love, isn't your fault and you didn't do anything wrong.

The only thing you can do to protect yourself from these types is to walk away the first time they put you through that cold cycle. Recognize it for what it is and realize it's not about you. Anyone who gets involved with a hot and cold type will experience the same. Remember - they don't have the skill set for an actual relationship, only the illusion of one.

[strawberryloli]

This happens with just regular "friends" too. I have no time for it!!!

[hmanfilms]

God bless this woman. You are saving people so much heartbreak and pain. She's basically saying to avoid highly avoidant, emotionally immature, manipulative, narcissistic-like people. Spend your time communicating and engaging with people who are capable of respect, love (the real kind, not the intense flash in the pan), honesty, integrity, follow through, etc. I got hooked and entangled with a pretty face and it fucked my life up for a bit. A lot of these "hot" people are truly broken inside and full of themselves. They play games because they are so weak

[kevinmalone]

I took an interest in a woman that I really liked, and I made it obvious. Whenever I would talk with her, she would always talk about herself, but would never called me by my name, or take an interest in me as a person. Yet I was always taking an interest in her and called her by her name. We never got beyond the aquintence stage. I got sick of it, then ended it, and avoided her for 5 months. She saw me recently, I wish she didn't and acted as If I was a long lost beloved friend and even took an interest in me. I got hooked right back into really liking her again. Next time I saw her, I greeted her in an enthusiastic warm friendly manner. She treated me as If she was an ice queen. I asked her why she was standoffish and she just said. Sometimes I'm not in the mood to talk. People who behave this way with you aren't worth your time.

[LazyDaisyDay]

I think you just saved my sanity.  Thank you.

[davidvitale]

The 139 people that disliked this are the hot/cold players for being exposed. Thank you for putting a name to our pain Susan.

[laurenp]

wow, knowledge is power. I'm a bit mindblown right now. After the hot/cold cycles, he told me he didn't know what he wanted so I gave him space. Months later we eagerly made plans to meet up again - he bailed & handled it terribly. No apology or rain check. I feel defeated since I tried to keep things on good terms. I really enjoyed his company but I'd be an idiot to keep enduring his reckless behavior. Snip snip ✂️

[lisasunshine]

Sadly, I endured three cycles of this through the course of a year. Granted, my situation was complicated and there was long distance. But I had never experienced this pattered with anyone before and it was a hard lesson learned. Even with trying to guard my heart and stay low investment, it still really hurt at the end. Please be careful with your heart!