The Lengths We Go To Avoid Love

The idea of trying to avoid love sounds paradoxical in the extreme: why do we take active measures to sabotage love?

FURTHER READING

“The idea of trying to avoid love sounds paradoxical in the extreme: why would anyone take steps to deny themselves an experience which seems so plainly positive and life enhancing? Plenty of people are denied love by external forces; why would anyone take active measures to sabotage love if it lay before them?”

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CREDITS

Produced in collaboration with:

Nicky Francis

Title animation produced in collaboration with

Graeme Probert

[AccidentlyHero]

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” - Rumi

[sev]

“opening myself to someone is like handing over a bow and arrow and teaching them where it hurts the most”

[pedrostormrage]

We want love, but we don't wanna be vulnerable (and that's the paradox, because love and vulnerability go hand in hand).

[DheeFromTheSea]

Am I the only one who had to keep going back 20 seconds cause I get lost in thought, drawing parallels from what I'm hearing 💀🤷🏽‍♂️ if yes, here's a hug for you 🫂

[gdaxolotl]

“We accept the love we think we deserve.”

-Stephen Chbosky

[lawaleto]

“Though we all crave love in theory, our capacity to accept it in practice depends on the quality of our early emotional experiences.”

[firasmezzi]

‘’Once in a lifetime, a person is extremely impulsive, but then he becomes cold towards everything forever.”

[mariamaldonado]

My favorite part was the last one: we terrified that we finally will be able to be with someone that could makes us happy in a relationship something that is unnatural and frightening. Something we never had the experience of.
And I strongly believe this is not only in romantic relationships but in any relationship we have.

[Masqueradeofsins]

I want love, I get love, I feel trapped, I push them away. It’s a cycle, I feel so horrible

[TDG]

It's terrible. Feeling the pain when someone comes close enough, that you either push them away or you yourself get away from them, never getting what we truly want.

[aldelgado]

As an emphatic person who has been belittled by many people i stay away from people who i think that can do harm to me, i love my isolation from the outside world.

[kaxinho]

I'm cracking up at that character brushing his hair while been actually bald. 😂

[Jane-nccv]

I realized that me trying to sabotage my relationship is because deep down I fear that if we stay together, we will become miserable and unhappy like my parents who never divorced. I don't want to be blamed for ruining his youth and I don't want to blame him too.

[aleeza]

You described an avoidant is 6 min. As a fearful avoidant I feel seen. Thank you ❤❤❤

[rc]

The phobia towards love comes from the fear of rejection.

[chiaracris]

39 years after, with lots of inner work and resilience, the narrative changes

[joshuawhinery]

Cool, so because I was ignored and left super alone as a child, I now must live my entire life alone, but more in a "I don't deserve love" preemption kinda way than self sabotage

[nerea]

I'm 32, I've never been in a relationship, and I feel called out.

[flamingowilliams]

I'm comforted it isn’t just me, and I'm horrified it isn't just me.

[brooketohimself]

"He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships" is about passive vs active commitment-phobes. Read it ages ago, but it was very enlightening.