Queer Horror: Understanding Gender as Body Horror

#gender #ShuzoOshimi #bodyhorror

Content warnings for: Discussions of trauma, some visual gore.

There is a low-intensity noise filter over the manga panel section that I've been told caused discomfort to someone with photosensitivity. Tossing in this in here as a heads up just in case.

Our bodies are fragile, finite and heavily gendered things. Almost every part of our bodies is scrutinized whether it's how we walk to how we inflect certain words. It's normal to feel anxious about your body. Body horror is a sub-genre that plays with those anxieties however it's rare to see gender directly explored through the lens of body horror. So let's talk about the very queer roots of the horror genre, the appeal of body horror to queer audiences and the everyday horrors of having gender.

Somewhere in the making of this I accepted that I'll probably get a Flowers of Evil tattoo.

Spoiler Warning for Inside Mari and Welcome Back Alice.

🎶: 砂の記憶 written by shimtone via Dova-Syndrome
🎶: Stars written by H.Lang via Dova-Syndrome
🎶: Images written by shimtone via Dova-Syndrome

[silvercandra]

Honestly, "body horror" might be the best way to describe how it feels to be trans, at least for me.
Being forced to act like nothing is wrong, while your body slowly changes into a shape that isn't you anymore, being the only that sees that this isn't you...
That's just plain horrifying.
And the fact that people look at you as something else, some abomination that shouldn't be, as you try to change this body you were stuck in, only makes it worse.
That people you love might turn your backs on you for trying to change into you...
It pisses me off that in so many horror stories, trans people are made out to be the bad guys, when we're more likely to be the victims, as well as the badass people who manage to get through all the horrifying bullsh*t we have to deal with in our lives, often all by ourselves.
Watching this made me hopeful in a way, feel understood, but also makes me want to start focusing my writing on the horror of this situation, as soon as I'm comfortable enough to actually face the subject.
This might just make people be able to better understand.

[Venom_Snek]

I don't have a lot to say, just sharing my love. Really enjoyed the video, I'm a trans person in a place where that isn't easily accepted and it's extremely difficult to "legally" transition here, so content like this is always great to see. You do you, and fuck everyone that has a problem with it.

[paulo_h_oliveira]

kinda cried, just a little. shit's real, holy crap

[emilybaker]

thank you for making this. I've been transitioning for six years now and "you have to learn how to be a woman" still hits. Not because it's something to be embraced uncritically, but it's a reminder that the parts of my transition I'm struggling with are not automatic, they require effort and thought, even now. And that's the message I needed, right now

[ghoulishskeptic]

I read inside Mari after getting the summary from here and good lord it is one hell of a rollercoaster

[TakeWalker]

"being a girl is a skill" HELL YES IT IS AND IT'S NOT EASY DX

very good video :B

[Daisy_is_my_name]

I honestly ended up crying a little bit while watching this video. I've always felt like your essay style videos always have a very humane perspective to them and this one really touched me in a personal way. the segment about Inside Mari really spoke to me as a transfemmine person. struggling to come across as a women to the rest of society is incredibly difficult to begin with. Then you add the fact that you were born in a "male body", it can make it feel like you'll be able to pass or be taken seriously as a women. Her suffering from menstrual cramps being used to reminder her of the struggles of having a female body reminds me of the own struggles I go through whenever I look at a part of my body that triggers my dysphoria.

as much as reading stuff like this can hurt, it's always something I've found emotionally fulfilling to me. Whenever I see the pain of someone else, whatever that be in real life or in fiction, it's always been one of the most powerful motivators for me to do something to make life better for me or people around me. reading stories of people struggling with mental health issues and/or abuse played a big part in inspiring me to go to the school to become a social worker earlier in my life. Now reading about stories from other trans people discussing their experiences with gender dysphoria has inspired me to try and go through the process of transitioning despite how scary it can be. thank you for making these videos, it means a lot to me (and probably a lot of other people as well).

[organs_]

I really didn't expect the gut punch this video gave me. I've questioned my own gender for quite a while and my conclusion has basicaly been "There's something that's not quite right, but it's alright for now, I've been living as a dude for 22 years and I'l not even sure I have a problem with that, I'm comfortable with it".

And here we were, my screen, your voice and me, asking some really uncomfortable questions.
It dawned on me. I've been living my manhood as a main objective. I'm pretty good at it so most of the times, it feels good. When my gf makes me feel like she's grateful for the feeling of safety she gets in my arms, or when my facial hair and clothes look good on me (miracles do happen).

But it doesn't feel like a part of me. It still just feels like an objective, a prerequisite to being a functioning person. A chore. Perhaps even a kind of mandated facade.
Deep down, as I've known for a long time, I really don't know what's in here. I'm not sure I wanna know.

It feels like had I had the choice, I'd rather have been born a cis girl. But I don't want the gender. And I sure feel both like taking action now is impossible, and like I don't deserve to pretend being anything other than a man. Because I know so little, I can't even say what would be true and what I'd make up to myself as an easy, all-encompassing narrative for all my self-image issues.

And frankly... I already have so little to define me as a human being. if I don't have that neat Boy tag, what do I even have left ?...


So anyways, thanks for coming to my Ted Talk

[WhiteRose]

As a non binary & plural persons, I can relate to this extremely, and I can agree gender and puberty are horrifying.

[crimsonRubi]

As someone who has been debating transitioning recently this video has put my internal struggles in a better like voice than I ever could. I love it so much.

[McCurmudgeonify]

This is so good!
I'm reminded of a trans interpretation of Hereditary that I read a few years ago.

[raccoon]

put a TW next time you're showing tatcher's mug that shit was scary

[Ace_writxs]

Im Currently a cis girl questioning if theyre trans and enby and the concept of being in a body you hate but feel like you have no power to change *scares me* like jesus. Thats a type of torture i wouldnt give my own worst enemy.

[gwynnbee-cg]

22:36 just about made me cry. Lately I’ve been trying more and more to reach a state of happiness in my identity, and I’m already way further than I was just a year ago. I just turned 18, which means I have a lot more freedoms, but especially in my own home. I can buy a binder without my parents questioning what it’s for, I’ve cut my hair in a more masculine way without them even batting an eye. I wouldn’t say my parents are really transphobic, at least, not my mother. Once I turned 18, all the questioning just ceased, and I’ve actually been able to LIVE as I want to. To the point where I almost forgot how difficult it was finding out I was trans at the beginning of puberty. Like- the idea is so foreign to me now, but that was a scary time in my life. It seemed nothing went my way. So to hear that, it made me look back on my own journey and realize how grateful I am.❤

[CastiellaXIV]

I've never heard of Inside Mari but wOAH that twist at the end actually got to me, Im honestly so genuinely full of empathy and compassion for this character and I feel so bad but completely understand where she's coming from :(
I think Im gonna look into this authors works a bit more after this, thank you

[xiuehe]

being a kid in today’s age means less nostalgia, and less experience with certain media, but it also means i get to watch these kinds of videos. thank you. its very interesting.

[Animesther]

After talking about near all queers, and people who go through surgeries that can be associated with transitioning, the shouting of "ACE!" at the end caught me so off-guard 😂 I def did not take it as a name so it hit even better 😂😂
After all some ace people go through genitalia removal surgeries and it makes sense.

But either way that random "Ace! Love knows no borders!" addition made my day lol

[f_drago]

This video was in my watch later since 2023, today i finally could watch it and was greater than i expected <3

[thehoove]

I did not realise I was transgender until I was the age of thirty five. Over the course of my childhood and adolescence, I gravitated towards body horror and never truly understood why. Monsters, mermaids, Borg (the cybernetic creatures from Star Trek not the tennis player) and eventually womanhood, I always had a specific fascination with getting out of the body I was in, without realising it was gender dysphoria clawing at the walls. Since coming out and starting estrogen, those desires have waned, and body horror has begun to hit in ways I now find truly chilling. I also fear death now... funny how all that works, huh? 😅 I really liked the video. Thank you!

[therealroodles]

Genderfluid person here! I can sort of describe my experience as being a little doll in a glass case. The doll yearns to be out of the case, but they can never escape. When people see the case, they only see a pretty little doll, but the doll knows more about themself than others ever will. The more people assume about this doll, the more hopeless the doll feels. They try to pry themself out of this glass box, but can never seem to fully open the case. People come and go, only seeing this doll for face value, and not taking the time to really understand how the doll feels in its case, and how it yearns to escape its rigid borders.

Anywho, i feel like this could also be a metaphor for other things, but this is how I feel as a mainly fem-presenting genderfluid person who just can't seem to escape the labels and assumptions people make based on my appearance. (mostly people just see a girl) And that really hurts me. (especially on masc days lol) I can recall specific days where i just wanted to cease to exist because of how out-of-place and dysphoric I felt. I get gender envy from people at my school, who frankly think i'm just a loser weirdo who has weird obsessions with certain people. I wish I could look like who I want to be, but i can't escape the glass box i'm in.

...sorry i yapped, was kinda venting for a hot minute lol :\