Saying no is hard. These communication tips make it easy. | Michelle Tillis Lederman | Big Think

Saying no is hard. These communication tips make it easy.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Give yourself permission to say "no" to things. Saying yes to everything is a fast way to burn out.

Learn to say no in a way that keeps the door of opportunity open: No should never be a one-word answer. Say "No, but I could do this instead," or, "No, but let me connect you to someone who can help."

If you really want to say yes but can't manage another commitment, try qualifiers like "yes, if," or "yes, after."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MICHELLE TILIS LEDERMAN:

Michelle Tillis Lederman, CSP, CPA, PCC, is a speaker, trainer, and author specializing in workplace communications and relationships. She was named one of Forbes Top 25 Networking Experts. Her new book is The Connector's Advantage: 7 Mindsets to Grow Your Influence and Impact (2019).
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TRANSCRIPT:

MICHELLE TILLIS LEDERMAN: "No" doesn't feel so good. We feel a little uncomfortable. We feel bad saying no. "No" to something is "yes" to something else. And that's the first thing you need to think about to give yourself permission to say no. My husband actually put a sticky note on my computer for about a year with the word "no" on it. And it really did give me permission to say no and to remember that that's allowed. So that's the first thing. Then you want to think about how to say no and how to say yes. Because yes and no are never one-word answers. My favorite on the no side is "no, but..." "No, not right now. No, but I could do this instead. No, but this person might be interested." I look to give a no with the opportunity for a yes later.

For example, somebody asked me to do a pro bono talk. Happy to do those things if they meet certain criteria. This criteria was driving two hours in rush hour to talk to 30 people. It wasn't going to meet that criteria. And I said, if you can get x number of people in the room, and we can do it during this time of day, then I'm happy to do it. So "No, but here's how you can get a yes" is a great way to enable somebody to feel OK and for you to feel OK and not want to avoid that extended relationship. So when we use a "no, but," we give them an opportunity for a "yes" down the road. But we also can use the "no, but" to help them find another way to get that help. No, but there's this great resource you may want to look into. No, but I do know somebody who's working on that. Let me ask if they might be interested in connecting. No, but. I might not be able to help you. But I'm happy to give you ideas on how you can get the help you're looking for.

Sometimes you want to and get to say yes. So we want to sometimes qualify our yes: "Yes, if..." Yes, if you can get this done for me. Or yes, if you can get this many people in the room. Or yes, if. It could be "yes, after." Yes, I'd love to get on the phone with you after I'm done with this big project that I'm working on, or after I get back from vacation. Just giving yourself a little breathing room in when and the timing of when that follow through will actually happen. So we have "yes, if." We have "yes, after." We could have "yes, with." Yes, with your assistance. Or yes, with another party. I'm happy to work on that. Yes, with some training. So "yes, if," "yes, after," "yes, with," or even "yes, when." And when could be, when I feel that I'm really ready to do that. Yes, when I have gotten that training that we talked about. "Yes, when." So all of these things help give you a little bit of space and manage the expectations of the follow through of that yes.

[ossen]

*Saying no is a matter of having integrity and not going along, just to please the peers.*
*Standing up for yourself and your values is very important.*

[kiteoma]

*Sometimes "No" is the kindest word.* Had a lot of difficulty saying NO when I was younger, insecure and afraid of missing out! Now it is way more easy, I am trained now ;) And my life is def. better because of it.

[MentorMyLife]

Saying no shows how, much you love yourself. Those that do not have the ability to say no to things that they do no agree with to please others just shows a lack of self love and self fulfillment. Learn to say no to learn to truly love yourself.

[JQMusic]

"No means yes to something else" is a great quote. The rest of this was a little unnecessary but still, thanks for that quote :)

[FacelessProjects]

My favourite is the "No, and…"
No, and never ask me again.
No, and go away for ever.
No, and you need to be a better human.
😛

[MatsueMusic]

absolutely one of the most underrated issues in business. Great video. I will be sharing this with the entire office.

[susannahdean]

'No' is a complete sentence!

[Chuloon]

My therapist says that 'no' is a full sentence... I dont agree with adding the but afterwords because it softens it too much. I do like the 'yes if...' though!

[turbolp]

I love that you also did a summary in the description! Thank you!

[FishGuts]

This is helpful to work situations. Thanks 🙂

[micromatters]

Big fan of the "Yes, if" tip. It's almost like conditional programming for life decisions. I’ll execute this piece of code (say 'yes') under these conditions. This way, you're not the bad guy for setting boundaries; you’re the clever problem solver who’s found a workaround. It’s the life hack for those who want to say yes but also want to ensure their terms are met. Michelle, you're turning us into a bunch of social coders!

[PracticalInspiration]

Give yourself permission to say no and live the life you wish to lead!

[Zarghami]

If you say yes to everything you’re eventually gonna dissapoint everyone...

[europeansovietunion]

I just reply "Aladeen" whatever the question was.
It makes things much easier, and fun.

[michaelblacktree]

I can think of many situations where "yes" or "no" are perfectly acceptable, and even expected, one-word answers.

[flowergrowersmith]

I was offered overtime and I wanted to say no. I ended up saying yes, and I know my future self will thank me when the cash rolls in!

[askadia]

Never had problems in saying no, but sometimes saying yes is hard, as it requires you to act, move, and sometimes even change. While no is just no. It's not as influencing as a yes can be.

[devinedaughter]

I was looking for a simple ‘no’ not accompanied with people pleasing phrases. My goal is to not people please and feel confident about it…

[aaliyah]

Honestly its really hard when your friends mostly ask to call a lot. Like its alright but it just gets harder to say no- I just dont rlly like calling but its so hard to say no for me. Even if I said 'No, someone else might be interested though' i'd still feel guilty. But I am training myself to try say no (in a polite way)

[kachiedits]

I can say no to friends or family pretty easily but around new people I just can't say no since I'm very introverted and shy and all around to nice to the point I would feel like if I said no to certain stuff I'd hurt someone's feelings or feel guilty

I'm kind of a pushover lol as much as i hate to say it I really don't like to hurt people's feeling sometimes I'm really just to nice to people