How I Felt When I First Found Out I Was Autistic

Today I wanted to share how I felt when I first found out that I was autistic. I think that this is something worth sharing because there definitely is a process that late diagnosed and late informed people go through. (Late informed being those whose parents knew about their diagnosis but kept it from them.)

Sorry that this video is late - I didn't do a great job handling scheduling like I imagined I would.

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[thevirtualjim]

Diagnosed at 44! As a kid i was labeled 'a daydreamer', 'nerdy', 'weird', 'lazy', etc. I always thought that my issues were just that i wasn't trying hard enough, or I needed to learn more. Once I found out, it was like 'oh ok, now I know who i am' Like having tried to fly your whole life because you are a bird and all the birds expected you to fly and you feel like such a failure because you can't...then you discover you are an ostrich.

[YoSamdySam]

Damn this was an excellent video. I could have said these exact same things, same emotions, everything.

[euanelliott]

For me the relief was huge.
It was like finally cracking the code of my life.
It wasn't my fault after all.
Now I embrace it fully, and in middle age I am alone without friends or a relationship and I'm happy in my own space.
Love to my fellow autistics.

[jeff]

I figured out I'm on the autism spectrum when I was 32. I had an easier time coming out as gay, and that was no picnic.

[stvbrsn]

So interesting. When you said “mourned the loss of who I imagined I’d be” it resonated deeply despite a huge gulf between our experience.

For me (51, diagnosed recently) the emotions were nearly identical. Dichotomous feelings of relief at having that crucial puzzle piece and horror at now having to readjust so drastically.

Here’s the weird resonance: I mourned, but not who I thought I’d become, but for the person (chose this word very deliberately) *I thought that I was* for the last 50 years. Half a century. Damn. Anyway, now it’s sinking in, I actually don’t think the adjustment is going to be as hard as I first thought, plus I’m learning all kinds of new tools.

As to the word “person” and my deliberate use of it, if you aren’t already familiar I’d suggest Alan Watts’ explanation of its etymology.

[jrichard]

There's a ton of mixed emotions that come along with a diagnosis. On one hand, you have relief. You can finally put a name to it and you have an explanation as to why you've felt different your entire life but didn't know why. Then, as you mentioned, the future you imagined for yourself doesn't exist the way you had it planned. It's kind of hard to wrap your head around. Even 2 months after my official diagnosis, I'm still trying to work through it mentally and emotionally. So I can relate.

[VeganOrganizer]

That's exactly how I felt when I first found out I was autistic. It was as if all of a sudden the whole world turned upside down while at the same time everything suddenly made sense. Scary but also a huge relief! I wasn't diagnosed until this year, age 42.

[sysye]

Omg I actually cried listening to you, because I had the exacts same thoughts and feelings you had. 😊

[sarahmi]

This is how I'm feeling right now and I feel like we are so similar that that's almost creepy but I'm sure a lot of late diagnosed females at 28 would feel confused. That's why they probably diagnose incorrectly with borderline personality disorder and other things in women because we literally do not know who we are and when we find out we find out that we are completely awed and we knew that we were not normal that we thought we had some sort of sense knowing or being like the rest of the world. It's really nice to hear how you speak of everything because I'm feeling alone with this and also have a completely neurotypical husband. Thank you for sharing your experience and helping those like us to not feel more lost than we already were

[ellie]

I was 33 when I found out. I was angry that I didn't found out earlier. It probably had helped me a lot. I always suffered from anxiety and it has greatly affected my life in a bad way.
At the same time I'm grateful that I found out. Now I understand why I'm the why I'm. I also are blessed with a lot of great friends and family that loves me for how I'm. So my diagnosis don't matter at all in that case.
I also are extremely open as a person so I tell people that I have autism and ADD so far I haven't meet one person that have been mean to me about it. 🙂

[millie]

I just started to suspect autism, I have done so much research and discovered things that I knew made me different were traits. I'm constantly doing "weird" things and thinking "odd" things, and whenever questioned about it I've always just said that I'm wired different. Finding out autism could be my answer has been a relief, and I feel I am quite lucky as a female to have discovered it at 14. But at the same time I'm not sure how I will explain to my parents, as I need them to get a diagnosis and I'm very good at masking. I fear they'll think I'm lying, and say that I'm not like that because if my masking.

[jg]

Completely understand. I was diagnosed at 50 yo. When my younger child was diagnosed at 16 and I started reading about it, it started to all make sense.

[VinceRoberts]

I'm 57 yrs old. I have 2 girls, 27 & 24. The youngest was diagnosed 4 yrs ago. On visits to her office, the psychologist would ask me several questions then ask me to go sit in the waiting room. On the day she gave my youngest daughter her diagnosis of autism, she told her, "Your dad, I'm certain, is autistic as well." My daughter told me about it on the way home. I've been living in denial until about a month ago. I've been educating myself for the past few weeks and there's no doubt now in my mind, I am autistic. My oldest was also diagnosed about the same time, but she too is in denial.

[jimjenandi]

Just finding out that I probably have Autism (I am 44 y/o and my Mom would have never accepted this as a diagnosis as a child...tough love). I took the AQ test and my score is 43 out of 50. So the next step is going to see my psychiatrist. I am already diagnosed w/Anxiety, panic attacks, depression, hypermobile EDS, MCAS, & multiple other conditions. Thanks for sharing your life with us!! I am becoming more educated by watching everyone's experiences!!

[lalane]

This is a special, rare YouTube channel. Thank you Stephanie, for creating it and so many Wonderful videos!

[davo]

I was diagnosed at 49, a couple of years ago. I first realised I may be autistic about a decade before when I read an interview with Gary Numan where he talked about his Aspergers. I thought 'No way! He's autistic?'. I'd always related to Gary Numan since I was a kid because of his android like image. Anyhow, I read up on aspergers and the penny dropped.... Omg, that's me. Eventually I was finally diagnosed. I recognised so much of the feelings you explained in this video. Personally for me finding out has set me free to be me. I no longer feel embarrassed about my failings but celebrate my talents of which I have a few. Thank you for this video and keep them coming. You are awesome 👍

[katharinegates]

This is so beautifully said. The realizations on late Dx (59 for me) came one after the other. "I'm not a failed horse I'm a zebra!", "I'm not alone in this!", "I don't have to accept the idea that I'm lazy, selfish, rude, and all of those other things I've been called." Then there's the "oh shit I really am kind of awkward and weird, and not in a good way" which for me has been a slow processing of some serious ableism, internalized and otherwise. I was Dxed so late partially because I fooled _myself_ into believing I was passing as neuro-typical. Anyway, parts of your video brought me to tears, which was an unexpectedly good thing to experience. Thank you.

[IndieAndy]

Really interesting discussion and it's something I've always wanted to discuss with someone... The whole late diagnosis story. Because I have always known about my autism & I don't feel proud to say it. Because when I mention it, I feel like I'm slapping alot of people who are not informed or undiagnosed/self-dx because I've had the support in place you know.

[sharonfoster]

Stephanie, keep it up. I didn't find out about my diagnosis until my teenage daughter suggested it to me. I was 35 years old. Your story is shared by thousands and needs to be heard. Thank you for putting yourself out there.

[Moon-ciev]

9:54 I need to heard this. Thank you. It's not a easy process. I feel sometimes so sad and angry, doubting if I'm even cared for the people around me. But I'm glad I know myself better and feel more comfortable knowing what I can to be more me and accepting.