Can We Choose to Fall Out of Love? | DESSA | TEDxWanChai

The singer and rapper Dessa had been writing songs about heartbreak for years, as she waded through a volatile relationship and a protracted breakup. One night, inspired by a TED talk, she decided to see if studying her brain could help her fall out of love.

Though her experiment on love is not an official scientific study, it is a lens for examining big questions on love and loss, mind and body, art and science.

Singer, rapper, and writer Dessa has made a career of bucking genres and defying expectations—her résumé as a musician includes performances at Lollapalooza and Glastonbury, co-compositions for 100-voice choir, performances with the Minnesota Orchestra, and a top-200 entry on the Billboard charts for her album Parts of Speech. She contributed to the #1 album The Hamilton Mixtape; her track, “Congratulations,” notched over 5 million streams.

More info on Dessa:
Twitter: @dessadarling

Special thanks to the Center for Magnetic Resonance Research at the University of Minnesota

[docvideo]

How to get over a break-up:
Step 1: Have a wine night with your neuroscience friends

[sam]

This talk is criminally under viewed, and Dessa criminally underrated!

[moonchild]

So basically when we are heartbroken we are not really still in love but traumatized re-living the pain, remove all the negative feelings asociated with the other person and keep the positive ones and voilá! you move on, easier said than done of course. But maybe you won´t even need the neurocientists team for that, anyone interested in developing the brain normalizing training app?

[weirdocentric]

She’s an awesome speaker, I really enjoyed that.

[davidjames]

Best TEDTalk I've ever seen. This woman is a beast.
If only I had a team of neuroscientists to snuff out my guy.

[emjaye]

What I got from this talk is the idea that loving someone could be a fixation. That it is something that we can't seem to control because our brain created a neural pathway after years and years of associating that person as something that our brain thought is a good thing because of what it makes us feel having that person in our life. Our mind and body crave for it and we can't seem to stop it from longing other than making a conscious effort and with our will power. I gather that she got over the person without doing anything other than observing her brain activity? So what she did is basically like meditation. She just observed without really making an effort to think. Meditation is basically like that. So, her continuous observation of her brain activity basically unwired that neural pattern or her love for that person from her brain then?

[mRwoRds]

Falling in Love is not a choice, staying in love is...

[MuzikAficionado]

Strong people are admirable but scare others who haven't got the same strength. It's not that those people don't love us, it's just that they are unable to love us the way we need and want them to, and thence they leave in frustration of not meeting our expectations, and we feel they didn't care enough.

[cynthia]

Usually we women feel ashamed because we associate tears as weakness, specially when we cry for someone who found us unworthy of their love. It was liberating to see such a smart woman going through the same struggles. Even the smartest amd talented women go though pain in relationships. Dessa, thank you.

[-wd]

What an intelligent woman. I love when the speaker is talking about a topic that has nothing to do with their profession and goes to great lengths to uncover the mystery/issue. I also feel like it gives the best outcome because it's so unbiased. Probably also one of the best speakers on the TEDx for sure!

[RareGem]

It's the memories that keep you in love with the person. We are sentimental creatures by nature through our memory. So unless we get Alzheimer's we will always love that person

[lynettellouisel]

Thank you for this. I am a neurotherapist using neurofeedback who takes this information to the stage often. Dessa (ironically also my daughter's name) did it better than I ever have. Much gratitude.

[mygirldarby]

When we are in love our brain releases feel good chemicals in response to that person. If the person breaks up with you while you are still getting those chemicals in association with them, then breaking up causes an abrupt withdrawal of those chemicals...so it is kind of like going cold turkey from a bad addiction.

[MermaidQueen]

I’ve been in a seven-year toxic relationship in the past. And even after I fell out of love with him, I went back one more time just because I was lonely. (He knew, but thought he could make me feel those feelings again). Now I’m married and in a healthy relationship (with someone different). Love is a journey, that’s for sure!

[EmiltPaige]

I honestly love this Tedtalk so much. I understand the embarrassment of not being able to fall out of love- even years later. It is like a fixation. After my first and only relationship ended (5 months), I spent years agonizing over it. I mean it was a really painful break up for me and my first love, so I guess it’s understandable. But I’m better now; i can look back without bitterness and enjoy the good times for what they were. I see now that my relationship was unhealthy and am not sad that it ended. I did lose a best friend (we had been close friends) in the process but I became a friend to myself.

[Filmyism]

she may be the coolest person I've ever seen

[TANYAJOY]

"Couldn't rebound from what others rebound from..."
Ahhhh! Somebody gets me.

[Missalexkennedy]

I can say that during my journey to try to keep myself out of the hospital after complete devastation from a similar situation this talk has been one thing that has given me hope and made me feel not so alone and ashamed. Knowing that another highly intelligent woman could feel the same and then not...thank you Dessa.

[Merble]

Why does Dessa have be so close to perfect? Too much grace, talent and wisdom to be packed into one beautiful person... my heart breaks for her heartbreaks.

[marias]

I don't know if we can choose to fall out of love but can certainly choose to let go of some things such as; the anxiety about how someone's attention will dictate how your day goes. Doing everything to feel approved or liked by that person, etc.