Why do we keep having the same arguments?

Ever feel like a broken record?

Or, on the other hand, do you ever feel like you're telling your partner EXACTLY what you need, but you still aren't getting it?

When our needs go unmet (yes, both sides of this scenario have unmet needs!), the brain's limbic system -- which processes emotions and memory -- keeps pushing the concern forward, hoping for resolution. But when nothing changes, it can lead to emotional burnout, resentment, and even nervous system dysregulation.

True connection starts with listening—not just hearing, but understanding and responding. If a loved one keeps repeating something, ask yourself: What is their nervous system trying to tell me?

Send this to someone who may need this today 💛 AND -- let’s talk in the comments! Have you ever experienced this in your relationships? 💬👇

Xo, Dr. B

[jcwarner]

When my friend left her husband she explained her reason for leaving and he responded "But you've always hated that!". In one sentence he validated that yes, he knew what the problem was and was just shocked that she finally had enough.

[amberhigh]

I was going through this with someone that is no longer in my life but I saw how draining it was for everyone and I’m so glad that I don’t have to put not only myself but them through it.

[Goddexes]

Wish someone would tell my dad this. Been YEARS of the same shit. Me, my mum, and my sister have tried with him but he never does anything to change. Just gets mad at us and the later on is like “I don’t know why you guys treat me this way! All you have to do is tell me what I’m doing wrong!” And it’s like “fam, we’ve been doing that.”

Edit: stop shaming peoples religions ffs, shame them for being misogynistic.

[sablerivera]

I did this with my last partner for six years, in the end he cheated on me with my sister. They'll never respect you and that's a hard lesson to learn.

[atin]

Trying to do this with my current partner. He usually reciprocates and works on himself when i approach him with a concern, but then over time he slowly goes back to how he was before, and i let it happen because im forgiving and flexible, until ive been stretched too far and need him to meet me halfway again. This particular time has been extremely difficult for me, and while i love him and he loves me, its clear more so than ever that i may never be as big a priority in his life as he is to himself.

[SoundofSilence]

After serving a 20 year sentence, I found out I’m much happier by myself. All that repetitive stress…long gone. Footloose and love it.

[titaniamask]

I was shook when I got out of that relationship and met my real partner. In my past one, besides all the fights, my needs were constantly dismissed, and the reactions to them were just over-the-top negative. Now I’m literally in shock that someone actually hears me and just... does things—even if I mentioned it in passing, no big serious talks needed.

[rae__]

When you truly realize it’s the same argument over and over again… it makes it easier to leave.

[jadehill]

When my mom gets frustrated with my frustration.
I explain why.
Shr takes it as "it's your fault"
I tell her she's not listening
She says I haven't explained anything

Restart cycle and amp it up 1x.

Edit: I stopped trying to explain, for the most part. I've moved on to calmly and kindly calling out negative behavior, and tell her that I'm not in the mood to have a conversation about it. In this, I've been able to get her to be receptive to suggestions.

It also did help me to clarify that the last big argument was happening in my house, where I can tell anyone to leave if I felt necessary, and (I am roughly quoting here;) "I will NOT have anyone disrupting the peace in MY house."

If your complicated person isn't receptive to firmly setting and enforcing your boundaries, then don't even try. I didn't give up on my person because she was receptive when I finally put my foot down in my own home.

This does NOT apply to whether your kid is listening. If you have problems with your kid, then go to a professional. Icing out your kid is just going to make things worse on everyone involved; ESPECIALLY the kid.

[ImNotaRussianBot]

The self-absorbed partner then gets blindsided when you ask for a divorce/break up.

It never occurs to them that when you bring up problems that you want to fix them, and it's not just you filling the air up with your chatter.

[moublabla]

You cant change person who doesn't want change.

[jlksage]

This definitely validates many people so they stop blaming themselves. No, it’s not your fault your partner refuses to fulfill your needs (not wants) if you’ve openly told them. They are choosing to ignore you.

[LovedLamb]

Through the years of abuse, I just lost empathy and decided that whenever I remember my traumas my mom has to repeatedly hear them 😗 I don't care about her childhood traumas after minimizing mine. I told her if she confronts my abusers mother for me then I'll stop.

[OnePaperPlane]

That's valid, but there is someone more to it in my experience. My husband and I used to fight all the time, he would bring up the same things over and over and I couldn't figure out what I needed to do to fix the issue. Turns out the issue was that we are both autistic and were almost always on the same page, but we didn't realize it because we have different responses to conflict. Due to my abisive childhood, my response to conflict is to shut down and basically agree with anything that will end the conflict because if I didn't comply with the rules, I was hurt. My husband (who also had a traumatic childhood) reacts to conflict by needing to address and resolve the issue as soon as he can because he's afraid that if it words, it'll never be resolved and he'll get hurt. So he would confront me with an issue, I would shut down, and he would feel like he couldn't bring concerns to me without me dissociating.

My therapist fixed our communication issues in 3 sessions. (Granted, both of us are very much in love with each other and so when our therapist gave us the tools to fix the problems, we used them, so I'm aware that our case isn't the same as everyone). We used to fight 5 times a week minimum. Our last couple session was in September and we have only had two fights since then (that we were able to resolve in ways that left both of us feeling better instead of one person feeling like the bad guy)

[sarahlyon]

Ended a relationship earlier this year exactly because of this behavior. I gave 3 things I needed for it to work and after 8 months and several conversations, nada. But I just "wasn't being patient enough". 🙄

[annagrace]

My husband and I have been going through this with each other. We both feel like we have unmet needs, and we both sometimes feel unheard. We weren't like this when we first got together, but we went through some really heinous sh*t together, so we're trying to give each other some grace.

[TheSaxAppeal]

I live every day striving to be the best partner I can. We don't live together yet, that will most likely be years down the line, but the best way I've ever seen this explained was that a relationship is a project and you and your partner are the project managers. It takes teamwork, and sometimes teamwork isn't easy but it is always NECESSARY. If the teamwork isn't happening, and attempts at a resolution aren't working...time to move on

[krjohnson]

Oh I’ve told him that. He has seen me cry over it. He knows I’m not close with him anymore because of it. He still hasn’t changed. We have three young children. He knows I’ll never leave so he doesn’t care.

[batnamedkat]

I left this man and my life has never been better

[Kantingbazil]

Only last year did i realize this and it has given me allot of peace to move on from these people