How to Work with a Passive-Aggressive Coworker | The Harvard Business Review Guide

They’re not being a jerk on purpose, and if you can understand what motivates them you’ll find a better way to co-exist, and maybe even thrive.

00:00 First, some good news and bad news about passive-aggressive coworkers.
00:42 Do these bad behaviors sound familiar?
01:10 Let’s define the term “passive-aggressive.”
01:32 Why are they behaving this way?
02:52 Tip 1: Avoid calling them “passive-aggressive.”
03:33 Tip 2: Focus on what they’re trying to say.
04:26 Tip 3: Don’t take the bait.
05:37 Tip 4: Get support from the team.
07:04 OK, let’s review!

Produced by Amy Gallo and Scott LaPierre
Video by Andy Robinson
Design by Riko Cribbs, Alex Belser, and Karen Player

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[FoodNPlacesSF]

Being understanding & nice will lead you to bullying. They know what they're doing

[beasaroseco]

I don't care about their feelings. If they have a problem they need to grow up and say it. Its a workplace not a daycare center.

[sarahchandler]

I firmly do not believe "your colleague is probably not trying to be a jerk on purpose" that's the obvious goal to make another coworker miserable.. on purpose.

[LaitoChen]

"I'm glad we're still on the same page...." hahahahahaha. Hows that not passive aggressive? It's dripping with sarcasm! I'm totally stealing that

[janetttyminski]

Unfortunately, passive aggression is a necessary job skill. I have a coworker, who is extremely passive aggressive with me & one other coworker. “Sue” is very knowledgeable & effective in her job as our receptionist, scheduler & insurance expert. Our supervisor sees Sue as a highly valuable employee. This means our supervisor will NOT deal with Sue’s negative behavior. Once Sue decides she does NOT like someone, she uses non-verbal behavior to convey her disdain. I have found the best way to deal with Sue is to ignore her, as she ignores me. I pretend everything is fine when I have to interact with her. I always try to speak to her when another person is present. This forces Sue to behave appropriately, which I find quite amusing.

[vikingmike]

These 'strategies' will only work in a situation where the passive aggressor ISN'T a toxic pathological narcissist. Passive aggressive behavior is a clear indicator and telltale sign of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, NPC. Which is on a spectrum of varying degrees of NPC. The best strategy is to completely ignore these people and have either zero contact or as little as possible interaction with [them]. Grey rocking and or indifference to their antics is an alternative to be able to 'deal' with them. Try to completely disengage from people who exhibit a pattern of passive aggressive behavior. Good luck everyone.

[nicoletolton]

Sometimes, communication via email is sought so there's a record of what was said. There's been many times where something was said in a conversation that the other person no longer remembers or denies having happened. I prefer email so I have what was said in writing.

[thetruehustler]

what’s frustrating is, human behaviors are very complex and shaped by their own experiences. everyone will not get along. occasionally we run across people we just don’t like no matter how nice or “okay” they may seem - and that’s okay! there are people that simply give me anxiety and i hate being around them, but they for whatever reason like to crowd my space. if you tell them go away, you’re rude and creating a hostile work environment and singling people out. lol it’s a work in progress. i am getting better at boundaries, that’s another win!

[Bea-a-deer]

5:57 - I actually tried this and was reported to management as being a gossip, even when my teammates agreed the person’s behavior was counterproductive.

[xsm]

it's getting more common in the workplace.
one thing people do is, when a person brings in say ... some iced coffees just across the town into work, but they purposely leave some one out.

[marcus_ohreallyus]

I knew someone who was good at being self-deprecating while actually targeting you with their hostility.

[luxurycardstore]

My boss volunteered (I didn't ask her to do it) to take a look at my resume to give me suggestions because she knows I am looking to move to a different department. She also agreed to give me a good reference but so far has repeatedly "forgotten" to read the resume even after I have reminded her. She also made up a lame excuse to cancel my monthly one on one after I reminded her that she volunteered to read it. Classic passive aggressive. Why bother to volunteer to do something if you don't really want to do it?

[targoltran]

Your video was great and I really enjoyed it. I will add one note to it though, at least in my opinion. Unfortunately, there are individuals at work that may not be highly skilled at their jobs. As a result, they may behave passive aggressive in order to retain their jobs, and/or eliminate competition

[WithinMyLane]

I work hard enough to not want to analyze so much about what motivates a co-worker's lack of professionalism. I too just have 24 hours in my day.

I've learned that a cold shoulder goes a long way in making people introspect.

[hudsonr]

This video is not good. I'm wanting to know how to combat this without punching them. They know wtf they are doing

[butterscotch]

Some people commit to things but don’t follow through because they are overwhelmed (whether personally or professionally) not because they are being passive aggressive.

[realSimoneCherie]

You can confront a passive aggressive person until they are compelled to be openly aggressive.

[rossa]

Tip 4 is pretty toxic. This always leads to gossip when you could actually be in the wrong.

[johnrainsman]

Speaking of passive-aggressive behavior at work, I want to ask something. My boss was upset I had signed up for a one-person shift, because she didn't think I could manage alone. She scolded a lower-ranking manager for not noticing I had signed up a coffee service. When she asked him if she thought I could do the shift, I answered for him with a firm "yes, " because I felt belittled by her. She said she didn't think so, was all "I've told you not to sign up for shifts by yourself, I've been very clear about that, I don't know how much clearer I can get for you to listen" and she told me I need someone there to give me instructions and guide me. At that moment, this girl approached and said, "Hi. I work at [certain bakery] in Washington Street and we're looking for new workers. It's a great place to work, and the best part, the manager is _so_ nice." So I was all, "Thank you so much! I really appreciate it. I will look into it right after work."

Tell me, how passive-aggressive did I sound?

[SachinGanpat]

I use email because I don't want to talk to anyone. Don't be calling me.