How Art Stole My Best Years

I like art.. maybe too much. In this experimental essay, I examine the idea of following your passions, and what happens when they take over/come in conflict with your life. It results in yet another existential crisis.

As you might expect, it goes into some heavy, meaning of life-type territory, so there is no definitive conclusion (I am a little boy. I couldn't possibly know what life means). This might be SOO pretentious, but worrying about those arbitrary things hurts art, so here we are.

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Chapters

0:00 Intro and The Red Shoes
06:40 Ashita no Joe (1)
09:40 Synecdoche, New York
14:23 A Brief Exposition Dump
19:03 The Wind Rises
22:23 Bakuman
24:35 Ashita no Joe (2)
28:31 Transition
29:40 Another Story
35:57 Escapism
39:01 Vagabond
45:12 Pasolini and The Noble Sacrifice
49:00 (In)conclusion

Music Used (a lot of needle drops in this one)

Bruno Nicolai- Love Theme
Philippe Sarde - La Lettre de Rosalie (instrumental)
Brian Easdale - Hearts of Fire Overture
Brian Easdale - The Ballet Premier
Francoise De Roubaix - Amour Sur Les Rails
Alberto Baldan Bembo- Tema Di Barbara
Ennio Morricone- Un Po D'Ironia Acida (slowed and reverb )
Tyler The Creator- Colossus (instrumental)
Alain Goraguer- Strip Tease
Gianni Marchetti- February
Nino Rota- Via Veneto E I Nobili
Ludwig Goransson- Can You Hear the Music
The Lost Weekend- The Bridge of Love (instrumental)
Piero Piccioni- I Cavalli
Bruno Nicolai- Sugggestione
Ennio Morricone- Girotondo (instrumental)
Ennio Morricone- Ti Prego Amami
Killer Bee- Luvsick
Bruno Nicolai- Magico Incontro

[tensai.productions]

The great irony is that I ended up overworking myself for this one, more than any of my others. A combination of school and getting a job, also this is the hardest I've gone emotionally. This one's left me absolutely spent, so I'm gonna take my time and give the next one the time it needs to cook. I want to get it out by the end of the year, but I better practice what I preach and strike a better balance going forward.

[emilyrln]

"I don't want money; I just don't want to think about money."
I feel this so much. Beautiful essay.

[darcyhess]

Y’know, I think people forget that life is art. Living your life, actually living it, can give you the feelings art gives you in immense amounts.

[reilynn]

If you think losing years of your life practicing a skill is bad, wait until you hear about wasting years of your life without even ending up with a monetizable skill at the end of it!

[sirbeardcat]

art is the exploration of life and death. it is not a proper substitute for either

[maynot]

Watching a creator gain traction in real time is something else. It's like we're on the journey with you, wherever we're going, as you show us what your soul holds

[TheMightyPika]

When I was 6 years old, it dawned on me that I was in a bad place - my parents, who hated each other, saw me as a burden and we lived in terrible poverty, mainly due to my birth. In order to not lose hope, I said to myself that I wasn't allowed to die until I created a masterpiece. I had the feeling that I had just made a pact with a mythical being, like the two of us would use this pact to keep me alive as long as I worked towards this goal.
I'm 39 now. I have yet to create my masterpiece but there have been many attempts, with my current one hopefully being the thing that satisfies this pact. The promise to keep living until my masterpiece is complete has kept me alive through assault, homelessness, wage slavery, many many health scares, a severe breakdown that spanned years, but here I am. Still alive and still creating. Its been my strongest and sometimes only lifeline, and i have nothing but gratitude,

[ciaraskeleton]

I did make art my reason for living. The manga you used perfectly explained how i felt. I was severely depressed, so i fought it by intensely loving art. It was my reason to get up. I engaged in it all day. I produced work that i was proud of. It became my world.

Upon creating so much, i started healing. Creating made me so happy in my core, that i ended up processing trauma, and improving mentally more than i ever thought i would. I started getting my life together and feeling more confident in myself. As i started healing, i started creating less. I didnt have the same free time, concentration or will to create. Not the way i used to. I cant tap into creativity and paint for 12 hours without eating, sleeping or acknowledging reality anymore.


My nemesis, depression, isnt here anymore. Im not fighting to be here anymore. My relationship to art was inherently linked to fighting my depression, fighting my head. Realising that was like grieving for a loved one. (Worse).

It took me a while but i realised that art hasnt gone away. I dont love it any less and its not any less there for me, its just that now i dont need to depend on it. The relationship changed.

Now it's going to be a new learning curve figuring out where it fits in, but that takes time.

Also creative burnout is real, we arent machines, even though wed like to be. So we are going to have our off seasons, where we dont feel connected to art at all. That's okay and it's normal and its very common. Sometimes you need to take a break so that you can experience more life and gather new inspiration. Or to grow as a person and as an artist.

[LeanMeanAsianCuisine]

As someone who sort of fell out of my “art has a strangle hold on my every action” era I have come to realize that I was the most depressed during those years and as my life improved my art became secondary then almost irrelevant. It pains me in both my identity as an “artist” and my motivations in creating art. I would stay up for hours on end, slightly adjusting paintings just to feel like they are finished and sit in the corner of my room. I wouldn’t sleep, eat, drink all I could do was make art or I felt like I would die. Then I got better but I miss my artistic mindset

[rubydown]

I have a major problem with doing things in moderation.
Im either like a freight train, with a totally one track mind, focused on my project and forgetting everything else. Or im like a bumper car, in between projects, aimlessly bumping around until i stop being burnt out and a new project sparks my interest 😑

[menijna]

As someone who got her best years stolen by medicine - somethings gotta give.
Here is what I did, do with it what you will
1. Changed prestigious draining employment for hr, i am good at IT and I can leave work at work
2. Got myself a nice husband. Yeah, really. Its easier to pursue your dreams when there's two of you. The life is better. You share responsibilities and money and you have more time.
3. Got a dog. A chihuahua. Just to go out more.
4. Got of my high horse. I'm just an ordinary person and that's okay.


A step backward is sometimes the best step you can take.

[blakechildress]

And here I was thinking I'm a bit too dramatic and existential about art. Don't stress yourself into an early grave because you aren't successful with your art or because people around you don't seem to understand. If I'm not mistaken you said you're 21 or you just turned 21 years old. You have the most valuable thing in the world which is TIME. You have decades to explore the world, learn about life, create things, and find meaning in the endeavors that bring you fulfillment. So don't throw away your twenties stressing and worrying about your legacy as an artist or whatever is giving you grey hairs just believe in the process of whatever artistic field you've decided to embark on and have fun producing art instead of torturing yourself like a romantic poet who feels sorry for himself. Also find your people because you need like minded people who share your enthusiasm for art and who can bounce feedback and ideas back to you. Just because you're an introvert doesn't mean you deserve to die alone.

[caydenlearey]

Speaking as a fellow artist I just wanted to offer you might be drawing a false dichotomy in this video. I've written two plays and directed one this year as well as drawing and painting on my own time, none of this has cost me my relationship with my partner of two years and in fact I couldn't have done what I do without her love and support. Most working artists I know (and I know a lot) are able to have thriving careers and are also in relationships, my stepmother is an internationally syndicated cartoonist, and she and my mother have had an incredibly healthy relationship for 15 years. There are so many ways to be an artist and in my experience, relationships only enhance your art-making, stay strong and take care of yourself.

[dontburstmybubble]

I think that art is kind of a supplement like those vitamins you take. Vitamin C prevents scurvy while art prevents shriveling into the void. But you can overdose on vitamin c. And it's not pretty. Even if you give the whole rant of "I need to update my comic weekly" speech, no you don't. I have literally waited seven years for Noragami a mid tier anime to come back. People will wait ten years for the next spiderverse movie. If its good people will come back and your absence can allow for other creators to shine not take your spotlight.

[sal]

I always say, “unless the art inside of you is already killing you, don’t become an artist. It will kill you.”

[vladimirmatic-kurylev]

Hey :)
This video made me want to say something... Not sure what, but let's give it a shot:

I'm in my late 30s and I'm a professional artist.
I have a comfy job in the games industry and enough free time to pursue personal art projects of various sorts. I also spend a lot of time with friends, playing boardgames, watching movies... My art is not popular, I don't really have fans, a large social media following or anything of the sort. I got some professional recognition, like I have some confirmation I'm actually "good at art" :D And my greatest artistic achievement is ridding myself of a lot of expectations for what kind of art I should be making, and thus I occasionally make pieces I'm actually happy with.

Of course I want more. I want to get more noticed, to make some great art thingie that will touch millions etc. But that might or might not happen for me in the future. Still, I love that I get to make art.

I guess what I wanted to say is - you can live as an artist and still do other things. Have a (related or unrelated) job, a family, even other priorities, and still be an artist. Even a great artist.
You can sacrifice everything to achieve great things - but it might as well happen that you sacrifice everything and you miss your shot, figuratively speaking. Not all sacrifices are worth it, but stories mostly focus on those that do make it, so there is a huge bias there.
So yeah, take from this what you will.
I wish you good luck on your journey!

[Lissentewmi]

I think its very significant that Bleach continually posits the sharpness of the blade against the warmth of life until Ichigo eventually, in a full understanding of the meaning of existence, realizes HE IS THE BLADE. The blade is him. Its me and its you. To live and reason and postulate is to kill and be killed as well. Prey is predator, the sun raises new buds and burns old growth. We are carbon wretches. And this is not an endorsement of carnage or violence. Its a plea for softness and vulnerability.

This is a lovely video, be discouraged but do not give up. Having energy to share what is in your soul under capitalism is already very serious. And I loved your Fran Leb note, I am certain her ass does not remember all the interviews she's been in. Writers block my ass the woman doesnt want to commit thoughts to print

[sophieknoles]

This is insane. You are insane. I am actively losing my mind. But I am also endlessly inspired by you and your work. Thank you so much, please take care of yourself but keep making art.

[moonwqlker]

i will be honest. this video spoke a lot to me, especially in my current situation.

i dropped out of college over a week ago due to the constant grind of getting a writing degree. i never felt so burnt out over something i cared about, and when i realized it (and talked about it with my counselor) i was heartbroken.

i will be honest, writing and art in general have been a huge part of my life. movies, video games, tv, books, you name it. i honestly don’t know what id be without it.

with writing, i had never felt so heard, seen, understood. only on a piece of fuckin paper, i love stories. i always have, and i always will. i feel like i want to create stories just for the sake of it, so that the world could hear my stories and fall in love with them, as if i’m some sort of god.

but i don’t want to display myself as a god, i never am a god. i’m only human, and i think if i ever pursue writing and possibly become famous, i feel like i’ll forget myself.

but i love to write, and just recently i’ve had this passion which i have never felt before. but for what? did i forget i got burnt out for this? just to be some famous author? if i think about this then my life will feel empty.

now that i have dropped out and am constantly thinking on what to do now, idk if i should continue writing anymore. i feel like this passion is torturing me, more than i love writing itself. so, i feel as though i have to look for a job in order to find something else to do instead of being stuck at home, alone, and writing all day. i know that will get me depressed, but i care about it. i care about it a lot more than ever.

i just don’t know what i want anymore, what is the point of art if i kill myself for it? i know what i’m capable of and it scares me. i don’t even wanna hear “oh just follow your passion” and all that. that ain’t helping me, what if my passion is controlling me? instead of me controlling it?

i still love literature, art, and writing and all those things. i guess i’m just not sure if i’m scared of trying out a job and then not being happy, or if i’m scared of writing but dying as a result. either way, i feel doomed.

[UratwtNdsomi-lowt]

As a young artist, i like your videos. Everytine they pop up i smile and draw as i listen to them. I really hope you take good care of yourself. It would break me to have another insperation taken again by the cruelty of the human condition. Rip Kentaro Miura. Goodluck