Class Differences, The Bachelorette Tax, & The Wedding Industrial Complex

Chelsea speaks with writer Philip Ellis about wedding culture, social expectations, and how they're ruining our finances.

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[scarpfish]

Nothing exemplifies the absurdity of our consumer culture more brilliantly than a group of young friends who have a societal expectation to pay through the nose to be in each other's weddings, precisely at the same time their disposable income is likely shaky and their student loan debt balance is likely massive.

[sara]

As a 2023 bride, THANK YOU. My fiance and I have had to nearly bully vendors into telling us the prices of things upfront. It's truly insane how much the wedding industry considers the cost of things to be optional information...

[genier]

I'm old, but the wedding implied reciprocity was around in my day as well. Sadly, I am single and still paying the single surcharge. Adding insult to financial injury, in a number of cases the last time I socialized with a college or work friend was at their wedding, because single friends are easily shed after marriage. I never got married, had a baby or a housewarming, but spent several decades giving gifts to friends and colleagues for these events. I'm 63, with no nice kitchen or housewares except a few I bought for myself. I made the mistake of buying nice things for others (registry) instead of myself!

[TheGrownUpMillennial]

I actually regret not spending more on my wedding. I wanted a really inexpensive, “chill” wedding but we had 80+ guests. My dad and brother cooked all the food which was amazing but I hardly saw them through the whole thing and when I did, they were sweaty and exhausted. The food was delicious but I wish I had just paid for catering so I could’ve had more time to dance and hang with the two of the most important people in my life.

[ChapstickChunx]

Agreed. Just turned down my friend's 4-day bach trip where flight + lodging alone cost $1000 without even factoring in activities, food, drinks, airport transport, etc. I would also need to take 2-3 days off work and I'm a freelancer, so that's another $1000 in lost wages. $100 on the bridesmaid dress, $700 to travel to her ACTUAL wedding, $200 cash gift... We're at $3, 000! The entitlement of people's expectations is shocking.

[S.A.White...]

I realized in my late 20s that people don't talk about their financial failures, only their financial successes. Most people won't tell you that they are losing money day trading or managing properties. Most people won't tell you that the fancy clothes and furniture they own is from a ton of credit card debt. So celebrate others' successes with them, but realize that is not the whole picture and you should not hold yourself to their standard.

[toin]

I've been a wedding photographer for well over a decade at this point and let me tell you, the best, most fun weddings I have attended have been under tents in peoples backyards.

There's no stress of having to be precisely on time because the church has another wedding an hour after your wraps up and you don't have to deal with a tacky reception hall and all of their shenanigans and rules. The bride and groom are usually so much less stressed and it actually feels authentic and fun.

My advice for anyone planning a wedding is to skip the reception hall, if it can be at all avoided. Keep the party smaller and have it at a restaurant instead if you don't have access to a large backyard in the middle of farmland. Far too often I've had cafeteria-grade food at purpose-built wedding venues (Where I know it is costing the bride and groom an arm and a leg) and it's just so disappointing, I'd rather have a rotisserie pig (catered) served under a white tent any day of the week.

[jswan]

I wish we as a society could come to the realization that the days of unlimited growth are over. The days of 2000 sq foot starter homes, 2 SUVs in the driveway, immediately after a wedding are over.
We need to embrace a more sustainable way to live. The “ American Dream” should not just mean unhinged consumption.

[kburkes]

I'm a sociology professor and I love your discussion of social class ❤️

[katehopp]

OMG--the part about churning out wedding after wedding at a venue! Went to an incredibly expensive wedding at a very exclusive resort in Hawaii, where they did four weddings "at sunset" on the same beach. Each couple had twenty minutes, and the brides passed each other coming up and down the path to the beach. That just doesn't feel "my special day" to me!

[oneofeverything]

I traveled literally across the globe once for a wedding and still had to give a cash gift... I was like, "mate, I spent like $2000 alone on flights to get here!"

[JeddtheJedi]

I cannot speak to other countries, but here in Singapore, there definitely is a wedding industrial complex, and it's specifically for weddings for ethnic Chinese people, the largest demographic in Singapore. When you get invited to a wedding, you are expected to give a cash gift that is equal to or more than how much your seat at the table for the wedding banquet would cost. There isn't a culture of a wedding gift registry - it's basically cash gifts only. If you're giving a material item to the couple, that's in addition to your cash gift. There are even helpful charts indicating how much is expected based on the venue. The fancier the venue, typically a hotel, the more a table would cost. Oftentimes, this is something that the couple themselves may not want, but that their parents want, as a means to flex. So if you're going for a wedding dinner as one guest, you are expected to pay between $200 and $400 a person, depending on the venue. If you're invited, you basically have no choice but to go and pay your share of the bill. It's not a "gift" - it's expected. It makes every wedding seem very calculative and in my opinion, sucks all of the joy out of it. A gift should be a gift, not an unspoken expectation.

[pri.sci.lla.]

I was a bridesmaid and I wouldn’t do it again unless it was someone I was closer to. It was a huge waste of time and money.

[sophianachtigall]

I got married 9 years ago on a wedding which included 13 people and we had a lunch in a nice restaurant after the civil ceremony. This was wish of me and my husband. No particular gifts were exchanged. Nobody went into debt to be there. I had a designer dress, and my husband was wearing expensive suit. But this was a choice.
And you can not even imagine foe much backlash we experienced, how many people acted insulted because there were no big wedding. It was like we owe that to our families.

[MichaelJohnson-vieh]

I am from a very working class background and live in a very working class neighborhood. All my siblings wedding had big weddings but not really elaborate in the 70's and 80's I seem to hear these days that even working class brides have some kind of expectation that this is the only time in their lives when they get to be a princess or something. They think that they will never go to a nice resort or go a formal occasion or have any other occasion to dress up EVER again, so its very artficial.

[christinab.]

I'm a big fan of not going, but sending the nicest gift you can get. I've done this a few times for logistical reasons and it's gone well. You get to show people you care about them, but then you can make plans to see them when you can actually spend time with them and learn about their new lives together!

[moni]

I live in the UK where my friends and family had to fly in to attend our wedding. I couldn’t afford to pay for hotels for guests but it was a small wedding of 25 people where we had open bar, lots of food and my husband and I made it explicit that no gifts were required. I can’t believe people have friends/family pay to fly out AND get them a gift?! Crazy! I also told a friend who I knew was struggling with money that I invited them as I wanted to include them but they didn’t have to attend and I would still love them and I was being 100% truthful about still loving them even if they didn’t attend.

[BelleChanson]

Wedding regrets are fascinating to me. My wedding was seven years ago and I genuinely don't regret anything. I'm so happy we got married when we did; two very dear friends (including the priest who received our vows) passed away within a year of the wedding, and I'm so grateful that we had that celebration with them present. For us the focus was always on the celebration of our love and our community/family, so I think that's why I have no regrets. Every vendor was local, and several were friends, which made it all really special; everyone involved had a connection to us and it really felt like a beautiful affirmation of our place within our community.

[abrielle]

My best friend and her husband had a combined Batchelor and Bachelorette gathering, and we just went wine tasting in Temecula. It was $34 a person! It was really nice because we got to know the rest of the party and we had fun.

[JeMGlitter]

I'm getting sick of celebrating everyone else's milestones with my money while I sit here single, and not planning on hitting any of those milestones. Sorry, not sorry.