The Dismissive Avoidant & Counter-Dependency EXPLAINED!

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In this video, Thais Gibson dives into the topic of counter dependency and the dismissive avoidant attachment style (dismissive attachment style).
Watch now to learn more about counter dependency and the common symptoms as experienced by dismissive avoidants as Thais offers up some useful insight, tips and actionable steps.
To learn more, explore the empowering course, "Healthy Balance in Relationships," for powerful tools you can begin using immediately!

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00:00:00 - Intro
00:00:21 - What Is Counter Dependency?
00:01:05 - Extreme Reliance and Hyper-Independence
00:02:46 - Avoidance of Emotional Intimacy
00:03:52 - Exaggerated Fear of Control
00:06:43 - Avoidance of Commitment
00:07:00 - Fear of Asking for Help
00:07:45 - Sense of Defensiveness
00:08:30 - Lifetime Promo
00:10:35 - Conclusion

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Hey there! I'm Thais Gibson, and this is the channel where I teach you how to transform your life.

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[ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Is counter dependency something you have struggled with?

[jayegrande]

Let me first say that obviously every DA is different so I can really only speak for myself. And I know there are many DAs who aren't trying to heal and they repeatedly hurt others, which is wrong. Your frustration is justified. That being said, some comments make me sad because I feel like some people demonize people like me. But I'm aware of my issues and I'm trying to fix it, so I try to not take the bitterness personally. I promise not all of us are cold and heartless😅. We're just the unfortunate product of some level of emotional neglect. And as a child, we did what we could with what we had to get by. I am so thankful that you understand me. Thank you for not calling me a bad person because of what I experienced as a child. I never would have chosen it for myself, and it's not fair to me or the people I'm close with. Yet, it is an unfortunate reality so I'm trying to fix it. Thank you for being kind and helping me overcome my challenges ❤️

[abrahamtorres]

Great video! As a DA i definitely notice the emotional detachment, but at the same time I've lived my life like this and i don't know any other way, but i can see people read it as defensiveness while i feel like I'm an open book.

[ollis]

Could you create a Video for Dismissive Avoidants? I feel most of you content is geared towards the partners (mostly other insecurely attached people) centered around understanding them but that's not helping if they are the problem in a relationship. We can talk about them being sensitive to shame all day long but in the a lot of the beliefs they hold are really impossible to build a relaxing and healthy relationship around. I am securely attached I was basically completely unaware of how defensive they can get when you openly state what you need. I was with a DA I felt the lack of healthy relationship and it does hurt being rejected in the small and large interactions with them. I found it is not attractive to me anymore. I still sometimes dwell on what I could have said differently, I'd be interested what a pro would say to them. That being said, I won't go back. I will start a counselors training next year and i have no interest in becoming my partners therapist.

[nematarot]

It’s amazing how this is so exactly what I needed to hear right now 🙏 I’ve always thought my emotional independence was really healthy… and I’m still trying to carve out space for myself. This is such a complicated subject 🤔 and I’m new to the concept of interdependence, as well as counter-dependency. Makes sense when you explain it though! Thank you for all of this free teaching 🙏

Somehow I am only just realizing that underneath my own aloofness is a lot of pain.

[careitina]

I would love to see a series with some volunteer DA's(short 10-15 minutes) where they would say themselves how they feel and think during deactivating/a fight, after a break up, what real challenges they face.

[spikygreen]

Video suggestions:

(1) Can APs/FAs be truly happy with DAs, and what would the realistic best case outcome look like? What's the best it can get? I imagine the best-case relationship between, say, an FA and a DA will still be quite different than a relationship between an FA and an AP, even after everyone heals? Or is this not true?

(2) What are some milestones that must happen in an AP-DA (etc.) dynamic for both people to feel completely fulfilled? E.g., does the AP partner need their DA partner to become romantic?

(3) How to tell whether it's your expectations or your partner that needs to change. In other words, when do you keep pushing for change vs. accept that your partner can't meet some of your needs, and you have to meet the elsewhere. What's the balance between expecting your partner to meet too much of your needs vs. flaw-finding and worrying excessively that a certain need is not being met? Maybe also with separate videos for each attachment style combination.

Thank you for all your groundbreaking work, Thais.

[imsunnybaby]

ive had this major counter dependency and im a fearful avoidant

[elliecurie]

This is 100% my ex, who had 2 severe adverse childhood events. He was baffling to me for 3.5 years because he loved me so much but had all theses behaviors. Wish I’d found this sooner! Thank you.

[SeekAliveness]

I very much relate to the comment about keeping distance and avoiding commitment because of fear getting trapped in a situation where my needs aren’t being met. That was basically my experience from 11 yrs old onward and I just had to count down the years until I was 18 and could make my own decisions about how to protect my own well-being. Now that I’ve been thriving (hyper) independently for 20+ years, I know the next growth frontier is to learn to trust and rely on a partner, but the instincts to protect myself (my space, my energy, my finances, everything) run so deep it’s difficult to receive.

[vrutikpatel]

My Partner is DA, instead of asking for help, they try to seek attention from everyone, instead of coming to their close ones, they publicly share on their insta or Snapchat that they are not in a good state of mind or in good place, but cant directly come to me, and when i try, they pretend they don't need any help, and when any of their friends try to help they gladly accept their help and also tell the same story to everyone about how they are mentally disturbed, so that they all sympathize with my partner, is this normal for DA to seek attention, because this is attention seeking !! how should i go with this situation ?

[elonmust]

Why is counter dependency not spoken about much ? I have been researching narcissism for 5 years even codependancy has been mentioned back then but i only heard of counter dependency yesterday.

[kingskand]

As a Fearful Avoidant, I relate to most, if not all, of these.

[rebecca]

My DA shaves his head. He was overdue for a shave and I saw how pretty his hair color was so I said oh could you grow it out a few more days so I can really see what it looks like? He snapped and I think felt like I was trying to control him. He said it’s his hair and he can do what he wants with it and I was like yeah of course. I was just asking but had no idea it would have turned into such a big deal. He started the discard with me around that time after year.

[brn]

Please more on counter dependency with the other attachment styles

[annemme]

One of the best videos I have seen on the subject.Thank you

[naomipaul]

This isn't something I thought I struggled with, but watching it now I think I do. At least when I am connecting with someone who is actually available, which frightens me. Thank you for these insights :)

[emilyb]

Thank you as always. So much healing since joining PDS 💜 I'd love more content on this & how DA can buuld tolerance and trust in interdependence and seeking help/support in life struggles. Their counterdepence seems to overlap with helpless hopeless - if they have an issue they wont see help that others might routinely take as likely to be of any use.

[roshalllambert]

I love how accurate Thais's description is! the point about being controlled was apt!

[WahkeenaSitka]

So basically the moral of the story is, you can't be in a relationship with somebody who is dismissive avoidant, because they don't actually want to be in a relationship. 😓