Breaking Down Barriers To Genuine Connection - How do we find friends?

Making genuine connections can be difficult for anyone, but the experience can be even more challenging for those of us on the autism spectrum. Meeting new people and connecting with them can be more difficult when certain differences get in the way. In this video, I share the barriers we have to face and how to overcome them while taking a closer look at the pros and cons of meeting new people and connecting with old friends.

🎞️Timestamps:

0:00 Introduction
0:31 The socializing myth
1:40 What to Look For To Make Genuine Connections
1:53 The Best Thing to Give an Autistic Person is Time
4:41 Common Interests Make it Easier
5:13 The Place Matters
6:49 Pros & Cons of Meeting New People vs Focusing on Old Friends
10:14 How do we do it?

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👋Welcome to Autism From The Inside!!!

If you're autistic or think you or someone you love might be on the autism spectrum, this channel is for you!
I'm Paul Micallef, and I discovered my own autism at age 30.

Yes, I know, I don't look autistic. That's exactly why I started this channel in the first place because if I didn't show you, you would never know.

Autism affects many (if not all!) aspects of our lives, so on this channel, I want to show you what Autism looks like in real people and give you some insight into what's happening for us on the inside. We'll break down myths and misconceptions, discuss how to embrace autism and live well, and share what it's like to be an autistic person.

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Peace,

~ Paul

#autism #asd #autismawareness

[jliller]

A difficulty I have is when I meet people that share one of my main interests they are usually nothing like me. It usually feels like we have this one thing in common, and nothing else.

[jo-lesley]

It was only when I started volunteering with a suicide helpline that I understood what I was missing. That deep conversation about meaning, life and death. It nourished me with deeper connection in ways I rarely get to duplicate in wider social circles. I can do smalltalk if I'm in the mood but it's an effort, whereas talking properly with someone energises me and feeds my soul.
As I get older, I have less and less tolerance for friendships that cost me energy, I'd rather be on my own. So I'm more selective about who I spend my time with and focus on.

[smileyface]

You always have such practical advice that aren't simply clichés I've read elsewhere. I'm not even on the spectrum (that I'm aware of), but I resonate with certain aspects of the autistic experience. Thank you.

[ExhaustedOwl]

I'm neurotypical and have social anxiety. I find your videos helpful for building strategies (and therefore confidence) to deal with people in a social setting. Many thanks for your informative content :)

[tracybartels]

Honestly, deep conversation with 2 or 3 people in a quiet place with a beverage and/or snack, or possibly a board game- is absolutely my idea of a perfect closer-friend activity. I only know 1 or 2 people I do this with yearly (1 I have to drive 3 hours each way to see). I used to be able to do acquaintances, but can't really bridge the gap because either I am wrong or I just have so little in common. Board games used to be that bridge. I would still crash and burn eventually, but I used to get some good runs in first.

[dricka]

I have a granddaughter that is on the Autism Spectrum, therefore I look for videos on autism. I occasionally will run across a person who knows someone that is autistic. That is what happened with the lady who did the extensive ultrasound on my legs today. She said her husband is autistic, and a brilliant engineer. She said that over the years she has learned things about autism that she has made allowances for. One of the things you mentioned that she spoke about, is time limits. She said it does not matter who they are with her family/friends or his family/friends that at a certain point, he becomes mentally uncomfortable and will lean over and whisper to her, it's time to leave and go home. She said she does not argue with that, they just get up, she says her goodbyes and they leave. She said the other thing that she has learned was that it does not occur to him to compliment people and speak niceties. She says he is a very good-hearted and quite intelligent man, that does not show much if any emotion on his face nor express the same. So those were things she learned about he husband and makes accommodations for them. So having a relationship with an autistic person might be challenging, but doable if you are willing to put in the effort to learn about the person and their personal intricacies. With my granddaughter, I had to get used to her not looking at me when she speaks to me, which I now know is quite common on the autistic spectrum. My son told me that she can be very involved in IPad and is able to continue what she is doing and hear, understand, and process what you are talking to her about. She is very observant have two kittens and she was talking about one of them and I asked her which one saying their names, her response was, "the one with the LONG TAIL". I told my son, until she had said that, I never paid any attention to that difference, but that she was correct. The male has a long slender tail and the female has a shorter bushier tail. One of her traits is echolalia, but that has gotten somewhat less pronounced, unless she feels stressed. She does not have TRUE echolalia (parroting) as what she says back in said from her 1 person view or a clarifying of the statement to the whole room.

[anneliesewright]

I much prefer one-on-one time with a friend who likes to talk on a deeper level. I don't like large gatherings at all. I'm not autistic, but I've often felt like a misfit for being this way. Some people even think I'm rude for not wanting to join a group for lunch. Hmm, I feel much better having listened to this. Thank you for sharing these insights.

[delphinewood]

Although I’m considered socially adept at large gatherings, I only appear that way because I’ve learned how. I prefer my small social group because I trust there’s no judgment. Thank you for continuing to share. I always relate to your posts.

[lisawanderess]

The hardest part for me is the unpredictability of my energy levels making me so unreliable. People like to make plans in advance and I'll agree to meet up but when the time comes, I'm so often too exhausted just from the basic functions of living that I end up having to cancel plans and that makes me come across as a flake... and friendships just don't seem to last for me 😢

[courtney]

I am so thankful that you are able to articulate these struggles for us who maybe struggle to communicate a bit. And are brave and vulnerable in sharing your experiences. I find all this extremely emotionally painful that we have to work so hard to just have someone be willing to have a second conversation.

[auparsec]

Some people in the autistic population are extraverts, and some people in the autistic population are introverts, just like how some people in the neurotypical population are extraverts, and some people in the neurotypical population are introverts. What's funny is that back when high functioning autism was called Asperger's syndrome, there was a movie about a man with high functioning autism, named Adam, and the movie was even called Adam. And Adam was modeled after a man with high functioning autism who was being interviewed on NPR about what it's like to have Asperger's syndrome, and I think that the person being interviewed on NPR about what it's like to have Asperger's was an introvert since the main character of the movie Adam was someone with high functioning autism who preferred spending most of his time alone with his special interest which was studying about outer space, and if the autistic person who was being interviewed on NPR about what it's like to have Asperger's was an extravert instead, then the movie Adam probably would have been different since the main character Adam would have been an autistic person who really wanted a social life but who struggled making friends rather than being someone who preferred being alone with his special interest all the time.

[pokelover]

The only group activity I've ever done that hasn't completely drained my energy is playing Dungeons and Dragons. Everything else feels soul-sucking. Don't even get me started on work events. Sometimes I take days off to avoid them.

Also, I appreciate the Pokémon reference! My boss noticed I like talking about that, so every time he stops by, he'll bring up how his kids did in a local tournament. It's really lovely, actually.

[PageTurner]

Thank you for making these. Your videos have helped me more than I can express.

[mythias]

Friends? What are those? Sounds like something I had once upon a time, maybe, hard to say for sure.

[BLKDOLPHNDK]

I love the part about sharing a part of yourself with somebody and the measurement of how to not under or over share. They were so many levels to this video that touched me in so many ways, and it seemed like it came at just the right time, much positive energy, and thanks.

[LoudPaul]

Some people here in the comments have given up on friendship entirely, and that's really sad. My experience is that different friendships have different roles, and you don't have to be someone's best friend in order to have a valuable impact on each others lives. I'm very introverted, and most of my friends are extroverts who spend much more time talking to each other than to me. That sounds like it would be uncomfortable but it's actually really nice because we all understand each others needs and communication styles, and we can be our genuine selves around each other. They don't think I'm weird, or they appreciate my weirdness. It takes time to get to that point with a group of friends, but it's totally worth it. It's much easier to develop that when you use a shared interest or activity as a social "foundation", as the video points out.

[linden]

I've made some very good connections and friendships within interest groups - hobbies, fan groups, or community projects.

I do find that I connect better with people who are also neurodivergent, or who are very accepting and upfront people. I really don't mind that being autistic has filtered judgemental people out of my life. They've either not been able to see me for who I am or I've not allowed them in. I don't need lots of connections, just a smaller number of quality connections is good, and some friendly relationships around my community. And I do still like a lot of time alone.

Socialising becomes a lot more easy and comfortable for me since some trauma healing and building up a sense of safety.

[gregorykeane]

This gave me a lot to think about. I do not think about connecting with other people much, so I am alone most of the time. I haven’t made a new friend in over 35 years. I cherish my only friend though, but haven’t seen my friend in many, many years. We do talk every few weeks or months. I want to start making friends, however, with people who share my interests. I struggle with knowing how to make friends, but I plan to simply do the activities I enjoy and see if I meet people that way. I know I need to take some initiative to engage with others and manage boundaries. Those are probably my biggest obstacles. I think I sabotaged my last effort to make a friend. Nothing is likely to happen, though, if I don’t make an effort. I am trying to learn from the rejection, even though it hurts. I will follow your advice and make a goal and work towards it. Thank you for making videos, I find them very helpful. I’m amazed by all your friendships and knowing how to navigate around all the interpersonal challenges. I decided to do the Camino next May 2024 and hopefully make a friend or two then.

[PeteLewisWoodwork]

I'm only halfway through this video at this moment and will watch the rest of it after saying this; I frequently find that others tend to offload their worries and problems onto me, as if I am the only one in their lives that they can trust to either dump their problems on - or seek genuine understanding and come up with a solution to help them. I prefer the latter but I will also listen to the first because it hopefully makes them feel better. The only word that means anything in what I've said above is 'Trust'; people do trust me. When they've got nowhere else to go, they turn to me. I don't know what that means in terms of being autistic but I'm sure that someone out there will have also experienced it and can explain it.

[kgray]

I love deep and meaningful but not with everyone. Most of my friends are online, we connect over shared interests and go deeper sometimes if that's our thing, and that works for me. Usually one or two other people is a good density, especially in real life. Two means I can take a break and just listen to the conversation for a bit if I'm low on energy or whatnot, and there won't be multiple conversations going at once.