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Complex Borderline Personality Disorder: How Coexisting Conditions Affect Your BPD and How You Can Gain Emotional Balance. Available at:

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In this video, we’re going to discuss emotional permanence which is the feelings of abandonment, rejection, and emptiness that you feel when someone you love and trust cannot be physically present or immediately contacted. I will also go over 5 techniques I use with my clients to overcome this issue and build a healthy, secure and trusting relationship.

Many individuals with BPD have a difficulty emotionally understanding that an object, or person you love and trust, exists when they cannot see them, or talk to them. This is related to an impairment in development to attain object constancy, which is a cognitive skill we typically acquire at around two to three years old. It is the understanding that objects continue to exist even when they cannot be seen, touched, or contacted in some way. These objects are called you’re “trusted objects” and often include your boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse, parent, friend, therapist, etc. For those with BPD it’s called a lack of emotional permanence because it relates to the emotional despair you feel when that trusted object is not visible or cannot be reached immediately.

Developing emotional permanence is not easy, there’s no pill for it. It’s a complex issue, but so important to your development beyond BPD and to do it differently and have a secure relationship with not only trusted others, but with yourself as well. Leave me feedback about this video and how you have developed emotional permanence in your world.

Daniel J. Fox, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist in Texas, international speaker, and a multi-award-winning author. He has been specializing in the treatment and assessment of individuals with personality disorders for over 20 years in the state and federal prison system, universities, and in private practice. His specialty areas include personality disorders, ethics, burnout prevention, and emotional intelligence.

He has published several articles in these areas and is the author of:

Complex Borderline Personality Disorder: How Coexisting Conditions Affect Your BPD and How You Can Gain Emotional Balance. Available at:

Thank you for your attention and I hope you enjoy my videos and find them helpful and subscribe. I always welcome topic suggestions and comments.

[calebnewell]

This concept ironically works as a double-edged sword. While people with BPD are terrified of being abandoned and ghosted, they are adapted experts at reflecting that very fear and using it to abandon and ghost their significant others. They split, then suddenly cut you out and all forms of communication. They don’t see you anymore, so now you don’t exist. They use their fears and triggers to now shut you completely out and THAT’s what’s so jarring about BPD breakups, for the one that doesn’t have the disorder. They make their own deepest fears a self fulfilling prophecy for YOU.

[bethanymcbx]

This is crazy 😥 I remember joking years ago to a therapist that I felt like I lacked object permanence, and what I meant by that was specifically about relationships. I can feel secure and happy when I’m physically present with someone, and then deeply anxious (panicky) and insecure as soon as I’m no longer with them, that they don’t like me anymore. It is torture 😥 it is a constant daily torture

[kurmi]

This explains clearly why only in romantic relationships I feel absolutely anxious when the partner is not available, takes me down the rabbit hole thinking he is cheating, he does not love me, he is just fooling around, how he would like me?, he is definitely trying to get back with his ex ... horrible thoughts that make me really unhappy. With a lot of mindfulness and meditation I put my thoughts to bed and in the morning once he text everything seems alright. I do not wish this feeling to my worst enemy.
Thank you so much for your videos are eye opening and help to know where to work on!

[rebecca]

My partner has become an excellent support with this issue. Some solutions we've found are: the day before separation is our day to spend time together, we write letters that I can read while we're apart, we have talks about the fact that physical touch is an expression of love and not all of love, he sends lots of photos while we're apart, and he now knows that I need to hear factual statements about our relationship out loud (even as simple as saying I love you) because I find it hard to tell myself these things when I'm alone.

[kikie]

I never considered this as part of my BPD...I thought it was separation anxiety...when my husband is at work or at the gym, I feel so empty and lonely...this video has been so helpful, thank you

[ryan]

This explains why the quiet BPD woman I met on a vacation and had an intense romance with, ghosted me the moment she returned home. The long distance made me invisible even though she treated me like I was her knight in shining armor.

[nadia-bbmn]

Cat ran away, was sexually attacked without mom knowing, and my Grandpa who took care of me all the time died all in the same month when I was 3. I am married and after 14 years I am starting to believe my husband will come home and still love me. He always does, but it has taken years for it to sink in.

[StewARTist]

8:27 When my DBT therapist was unavailable, your videos were my go-to for grounding and pushing back on the sense of emotional impermanence. You are always available to listen to on YouTube and such a great source of validation and comfort to me.

[BorderlineFaith]

I started telling the folks I'm dating about my BPD and my recovery. I feel that a lot of folks downplay the diagnosis and how we came about it. It's not a pimple. I'd love for it to just go away and I choose to be normal. But that's now how it works and I'm doing my best to be patient with me. I wish other folks could be more transparent and genuine. I've loved demons. Pure demons. I'm not afraid of anyone's dark because I'm not afraid of mine anymore. I just wish someone would be honest and say hey I'm fkd up in this way I love you though and then I can say it's okay I'm fucked up in THIS way and I really just want to love and be loved by you. Please.

[derrickc]

I have compulsive BPD to the fullest extent, thats ruined all the relationships ive had. Ive been in this lonely, shameful state for 9 months now. Youre the only channel out of the many ive watched, that gives me hope for myself. So thank you

[jak]

I’d like to say something about Dr. Fox’s idea that when we encounter incidences whereby we believe our trusted object has abandoned/rejected us, that we experience intense stress and can split at this point- but that fear no longer reflects the reality.
For me that hasn’t been my experience. My husband of 26 years had an affair which absolutely echoed and reawakened/retraumatised my massive abandonment fears from childhood and confirmed again that I can still never count on a secure, trusting and soothing “object.”
This wasn’t the past projected forward, this was in present time. My childhood fear did in fact reflect the reality.

[egirl]

I keep a very lovely card my friend gave me for my birthday out on my dresser to remind me that as things change, our lives get busy, and she makes new friends, she still loves me and is still my friend. I used to see or call her as many as 3-5 times a week. Now it's once a week maybe as our lives and schedules and places we live change. It was a difficult transition for me, but her hand written card full of love reassures me whenever my BPD makes me doubt.

[howdy]

I just got diagnosed with BPD today. My best friend of 6 years is moving 3 states away in two days and I've been distraught over it. You put my feelings into words for me. Thank you.

[SupaFro]

this is exactly what im going through.. was not ready for this

[Gothicforever]

I think the goal for me is to feel safe when alone.

[EstherH]

When I was having trouble with this. I wrote a short note and posted it by my bed. It was many years ago, and I’m not 100% sure what I wrote. But it said ~ “he still loves you, even if he doesn’t say it” and I really had to start telling myself “nothing has changed, he still loves me, this is just my mind going off on a rant” and over the years, I firmly believe I now have full object (person) permanence. I was never diagnosed, because my symptoms were all internalize, I turned the anger inward on myself, no one ever knew, and I didn’t understand the feelings or thoughts well enough to talk to a mental health professional

[JewelApril]

I take pictures so I have something to look back on that evokes the memories. That way I know, hey if they didn't like me, or want me they wouldn't have done all these fun things with me.

[CatKingCole]

This helps me understand why I do the thing with friends... ugh if only I had learned this before I lost my 2 best friends a few months ago because they couldn't put up with it anymore 😭 one actually helped the other move out while I was at work 💔 you can't imagine...

[darkskill]

For me it isn't You don't exist if I can't see you. It's more I don't exist if I can't see you. I feel empty, invisible non existent, yet when say my partner is here I feel whole, complete I am here. When they are gone, they don't vanish I do.

[phunkmunkified]

You're the coolest, Doctor Fox! 😎

I appreciate you so much!! I've been struggling with emotional permanence, but I didn't realize it was actually a thing. I keep thinking I feel like a baby that hasn't developed object permanence and it's driving me up the wall. I'm in a long distance relationship and have been able to fly there at least once a month since we got serious, which helps so much, but I feel like I lose it whenever I get on the plane. Thankfully, the person I'm seeing is super patient and naturally gives me a sense of security. I hate that I need him nearby so badly and want to be able to give him space without losing myself in the process.

I appreciate your videos so much, Doctor Fox!! You always do a great job of explaining what I experience or struggle with, and you give me tools to help manage myself. Thank you!! 💜