Lawyers Tell the Truth about Alimony - What Men Need to Know

Lawyers Tell the Truth about Alimony - What Men Need to Know

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Here’s a dirty word: “alimony.” Alimony has a nasty reputation as a device that enslaves men and demeans women—preventing divorced men from beginning new lives, and perpetuating female dependence on men. Alimony, it is said, has no place in an era of egalitarian marriage. That it survives is something of a mystery, and surely the day is not too far away when alimony will take its rightful place in the contemporary trash heap reserved for antiquated remnants of an unenlightened, gender-biased age.

The truth about alimony is very different. Alimony is gender-neutral (and must be, said SCOTUS in 1979), it is uncommon, and when awarded, it is usually short-term and freely modifiable. Indeed, the term “permanent” alimony is a misnomer, and the concept of lifetime enslavement an exaggeration. To be sure, outlier cases exist (check out the horror stories on Alimony Reform Group websites, but be suspicious), but in general, alimony’s propensity to bind cuckolded men to country club wives is myth.

As for the charge that alimony demeans women, actually the opposite is true—alimony ensures that women are treated as equal partners in marriage rather than suckers. In most homes, especially those with children, one partner serves as the primary family caregiver, a role that frees the other spouse to make a more concerted investment in a job or career. Primary caregiving is ubiquitous and primary caregivers are overwhelmingly female. While caregiving confers value on the family, it is not free for the caregiver: caregiving is commonly associated with a decline in earnings and ultimately in earning capacity. While the family is intact, these costs are shared and masked, but if the parties divorce, they are abruptly exposed. When marital property is scant, as it is in most marriages, alimony is the only tool for ensuring that divorcing spouses share, as equal partners, the human capital costs and benefits of family roles.

All this is why I am surprised by a recurring question, “How can you be a feminist and support alimony?” Maybe those who ask this question haven’t heard of Terry Hekker, the stay-at-home mom of five whose husband announced on their 40th wedding anniversary that he wanted a divorce. Long story short, Terry got four years of alimony, a suggestion from a divorce judge that she undertake job retraining at age sixty-seven, and a notice from the IRS that she qualified for food stamps. Meanwhile, her former husband vacationed in Cancun with his girlfriend.

Terry Hekker was thrown under the bus at divorce—and not respectfully. Her fate is a feminist issue and it is an issue, as one court said long ago, “of ordinary common sense, basic decency and simple justice.”

When I teach the economic consequences of divorce, I sometimes begin with the lovely voices of Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong singing Irving Berlin’s classic: “I’m putting all my eggs in one basket. God help me if my baby don’t come through.” The unhappy truth is that some babies don’t come through; sometimes they change their minds and leave, and sometimes they take all the family eggs with them. Alimony is nothing more than a tool for ensuring that partnership eggs are shared.

#divorce #alimony #spousalsupport #familylaw #lawyers #marriage #familylawyer #lawyerkelly #thedivorceattorney #divorcelawyer #divorcelawyerdenise #drvlaw #brithefamilyguy
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[stephen]

Alimony explains why high earning women don't want low earning men.

[calgarycowboy]

I agree this stuff should be taught at school, most individuals would never get married. Alimoney should go period, sure child maintenance is right until they get married again. Golden rule NEVER GET MARRIED!!

[revl]

My friend pays 6250 per month to his ex who cheated on him. It is indefinite in Illinois. That was in addition to half of everything at the time of divorce. She also keeps all her 64k salary, has a masters degree with many years of work exp but they wont consider her ability to earn more and be independent. She also gets 7.5% of anything above his base salary at bonus time 😬

[danbenz]

Lifetime alimony? So a woman will never have incentive to marry again, which means you just finance her future relationships.

[tomg]

Marriage should involve a written contract and at least one more document clearly stating the obligations and risks involved.

[candyboy]

Alimony is dumb, but just don't get married. You didn't explain that prenups are highly breakable.

[goaway]

Do not shack up, Do not marry, Do not impregnate. Follow these three rules and you can achieve peace and happiness as a man.

[markymarknj]

Depending on jurisdiction, judges can and do set aside prenups. Talk to a divorce and family law attorney where you live to see if a prenup would help you.

[artemsergeev]

If they will teach in school about the legal aspect of divorce, the number of marriages will plummet!

[nasserelhaqnsarellah]

The bulk of People did not know this before the internet. Now there start à backclash.

[patrickmorton]

Our laws are straight criminal. Im facing a divorce soon and I hope it goes my way but I just don't know what to expect.

[monabiehl]

Alimony is unnecessary. I've had post deleted because of my opinon. You have two grown adults who should be responsible for their own support. If one of the spouses stays home to raise the children that spouse needs to keep his/her skills up to date. Take online classes or night classes.

[realistic.optimist]

I had a prenup and my lawyer even drew up the divorce papers before we were married so I could file first and in the state we agreed to get divorced in if we ever did. All those alimony and and child support in the prenup.

[Rusty-Brown_]

I AM NOT STUPID ENOUGH TO EVER GET MARRIED AGAIN I MEAN NEVER MEN NEVER GET

[michaeledwards]

Is alimony based on the state where they are married or where they are divorced?
Or, what if they live the first 8, 10, 15 years of their marriage in one state but the last 1-2 years; is the alimony still solely based on where they have the divorce or where they spent the majority of time?

[magsteel]

I bought into the idea that it was the men who filed for divorce and if I walked out then I would be paying for it. News flash: women file for the vast majority of divorces. My ex walked after 25 years and I'm paying about $70k alimony and $30k child support. It's insane. It's like she's just won the "win for life" lottery and I'm paying it. Even worse, the harder I work, the more she gets paid.

[michaeledwards]

What happens if the paying former spouse moves out of country then stops paying?

[broeheemed]

The most efficient solution to get out of paying spousal extortion is to simply not pay it. A wymynyst judge might threaten you with jail, and you can tell them "I brought my toothbrush. Go ahead", and be prepared to sit in custody for a few weeks or so, but eventually the state will not want to keep paying to keep you incarcerated. When you get out, you will - at least initially - be unemployed, so there won't be any income to steal from you. Repeat as necessary. Eventually, the greedy ex will trap some other man to finance her existence.

[nonenone]

...also important do a NDA non discloser... dont tell where you work / how much you make / for a while drive around in a older car / dont have that person over to your home / never date somome with a person with kids thats problem waiting to happen... / dont carry large bills carry small bills in several pocets

[ABCabc-ddlv]

it's really a weird system you have there in the U.S, what amazes me is where were the men while those laws were made? didn't anyone say anything about the upcoming disaster?