How to Know if an Autistic Person Loves You

How to know if someone with autism loves me?

I look for these signs in my own neurodiverse relationships with family members and romantic partners.

When I first recorded this video years ago (check out my old hairstyle!), it was for the parents of my autistic teens and young adult clients - it was the FIRST video I ever recorded and put on YouTube. I had no idea how badly adults with people in adult needed to hear this message, as well!

00:00 Introduction
00:17 #1: Spending Time With You
00:59 #2: Accepting Physical Contact
02:11 #3: If They Say They Love You
03:14 #4: Love Languages in Autistic Relationships
04:33 #5: Inclusion in Special Interests
05:31 Communicating How You Receive Love

#autism #autismlove #autisticboyfriend #autistichusband #autisticwife #asd #jodicarlton

👩💼 Hi, I'm Jodi Carlton! I am a seasoned professional with 20+ years of experience as a #therapist and relationship coach specializing in #autism, #ADHD, anxiety, depression, and #abuse. I am #trauma certified and trained in Accelerated Resolution Therapy and Hypnosis.

MY PERSONAL STORY: I discovered as an adult that I am ADHD and my relationships with other neurodiverse family and friends have been my personal training ground for understanding and helping couples in their own relationships.

I am also a survivor of narcissistic abuse and have experienced the narc abuse cycle in multiple relationships. I have battled and healed from the codependency that results from having an abusive childhood.

COACHING: My mission is to help you get clarity about yourself and your relationships to make informed choices, heal from your own pain, and improve your overall quality of life. I coach individuals, couples, and families worldwide using a solution-focused approach that results in life-altering answers and real change.

🎙 PODCAST: Listen to the "YOUR Neurodiverse Relationship" podcast, which has been downloaded in over 70 countries on your favorite podcast platform or watch it here on YouTube.

💁♀️ COMMUNICATION COURSE: The world's first program that facilitates life-altering clarity and change for neurodiverse partners and couples who are stuck in a cycle of rehashing confusing and painful conflict and shutdown.

📱 FOLLOW ME and SUBSCRIBE:
YouTube: @jodicarlton
Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok: @thejodicarlton
LinkedIn: Jodi Carlton

[knowhere]

I wonder if your assertation that an Autistic may not want to touch or be touched may not be romantic or sexual. This is not universal, and many Autistics crave physical intimacy and romance, but this may be perceived as "too intense" by others.

[Gilded-girl]

My husband, who has Aspergers, came home from the store and showed me a toy that he bought for his grandson that he is going to visit. I'm not able to go this time. He said, "I wanted to show you the toy because I know you want me to share things with you." LOL I thought....well, I want him to share things with me because I want him to want that. But I'll take it and I did appreciate that he included me in that. It's not a big deal to most people but it's a step for us. He also left me a sweet love note on my pillow to find after he left.

[lavocatdudiable]

Hearing the word love and aspie in one sentence so many times soothes my soul so much....thank you

[esthermiller]

My 77 year old hubby has Aspergers. His “love language” is doing things for me. I have of course noted that I can depend on him to never lie. He honestly doesn’t seem capable of telling a lie. His parents & his only sibling, an older brother, knew that he would never marry. That was a given. Then along cake he was 64 years old. I was five years younger & had three failed marriages & three grown children. We’ve been happily married now for twelve years. We married when he was 65 & I was 60. We love each other dearly & fit together like a hand in a glove. His strengths are my weaknesses & vice versa. We love being together. We’re good for each other. I finally found a man who I’m ha pay to be with all the time.

[peaceandhonesty]

I have aspergers and I've been married for 30 years to a man who loves me exactly how I am. He's gorgeous too! 😄

[dfcolflesh]

I'm autistic and this is pretty spot on. When my fiance and I started living together she was upset because I spent so much time on my special interests instead of showering her with attention. She felt that I wasn't interested in her. I had to explain to her that my time and my interests are extremely important to me. I could live a life alone and be happy to spend every waking moment of my life pursuing those interests. The fact that I took time away from them and spent that time with her was one of the ways I showed that I love her. I then made a bit more effort to giver her attention. One thing I experience is my relationship is my fiance's lack of desire to participate in my special interests with me. She is less willing to take time from her stuff to do my stuff. I have tried to explain to her that it would be a great way to spend more time with me if that is important. I also, had to explain to her that fact that I was willing to live with her and all of the chaos she brings to my life was a demonstration of love. She didn't particularly enjoy the wording, but I made my point. 6 years later I still deal with her losing stuff, not putting things back where they belong, moving things, and randomly stopping/obstructing me on my way to do things so she can get some attention. It drives me crazy but I love her, so I deal with it. Honest communication has been the key to our success. It isn't perfect, but we are both happy.

[playingwithfeeling]

After reading alot of the comments here, I thought I'd way in with my two cents.


I'm 42 years old and was just diagnosed with asperger's syndrome/ASD. Getting this diagnosis was the best thing to happen to me because it finally made the previous 42 years of my life make sense. I now understand why I have 0 friends, no interest in social media at all, can spend 12 hours a day listening to music on my headphones, etc. With that being said, Aspies can definitely love someone and I'm proof of that.


I've been married to my wife for 14 years now. When I got my diagnosis and started researching ASD, I said to my wife: "You know that I love you, right?". Her reply to me was: "Absolutely. I don't ever feel like I'm not loved." How do we make our relationship work? Jodi hit alot of the points in this video. I always tell my wife I love her at the end of a call or before going to bed. Music is my special interest and I'm always including her in various ways. If she's on the couch on her phone then I'll be on the couch too doing my thing but we're still together. She knows I loathe going out and dealing with the public but sometimes I just suck it up and go. Even though my anxiety may be high, she's told me that just the act of me going with her and putting myself in an uncomfortable position speaks volumes.


The main thing is that EVERY relationship has compromises. Perhaps with an Aspie like myself the compromise is that I might not show the emotional reciprocity that my wife deserves but she KNOWS that. It's a compromise that she's willing to take to be with me. I compromise by doing things that make me uncomfortable. Yes, she's said that some days can be challenging dealing with me but every relationship has bad days. At the end of the day we both know we're loved.


If you're a person in love with someone with ASD, don't just run away like some people have said. Yes, you might get away from the person with ASD but you might run into someone who might beat you, might be a drunk, etc. Who knows? It's not always brighter on the other side. Aspies aren't the scourge of the earth like a lot of people seem to think. It might take a little work on your side but you fell in love with the person for a reason. Don't just toss it away.


If you're a person with Asperger's/ASD, don't automatically think you're going to be alone forever. There are plenty of people out there who WILL love you for you and not what you can give them. Keep your head up and just keep being you. I'm a perfect example. I never expected to get married either and it happened to me.


Thanks for reading and to my wife, Jenn: I love you.

[maryracette]

I did not realize that my now deceased spouse had ashbergers until he passed. I knew he loved me, and he showed his love for me by staying loyal to me in the good and bad times throughout our 29 years of marriage. He would tell me, "I married you for better or worse, and I meant it. That was his way of saying I love you. He did not show much emotion, but he did a lot of kind and practical things in our marriage. He stayed faithful to me no matter what. He loved to share his interests with me. I loved this about him. He could fix anything that was broken. He was very intelligent even though he had difficulty socializing. We worked as a team in our marriage. I miss him so much. He will be gone 2 years on August 26th, 2021, at age 66. He was and still is my best friend.

[isabelle_]

I’m autistic. I told my (now) husband that I loved him through a text immediately after our first date like a psycho lol. 5 and a half years later married happily. Not all autistic people struggle with verbal expressions of love.

[melodyboudreaux]

My grandson will occasionally come to me for a hug! Those are the best hugs in the world!!

[dagnytaggart]

I'm autistic. If you're going to flirt with me don't be subtle.

[Kessik]

As an aspie myself, I must say this is very accurate. I'm so glad my boyfriend is so patient and understanding with me.

[lorrigenovese]

I have dated an aspie for a year. He isn’t a very touchy feely guy and I wondered if he really cared about me. Your video my me realize her does. He includes minutely in every important( to him) thing in his life. He tells me things we would never tell anyone else. He will call and text me constantly to keep in touch as he lives an hr away and we see each other on weekends.
I know he has trouble expressing how he feels but I think his actions show he does care about me a lot.
He is adorable and makes me laugh ... so important to me. Do I wish he would be more demonstrative? At one point yes, but the more I know him and understand him, it doesn’t matter anymore and I really like what he does give me... a ton of joy

[flufflepuffle]

I have Asperger's and people always told me I don't make enough eye contact. Now I apparently make too much eye contact. No pleasing people.

[melindaotero]

My boyfriend has Aspergers, and let me tell you. He's the world's best boyfriend ever. He loves to hug and kiss, he's always giving me compliments all the time.

[jonathanwilloughby]

When my Aspie hubby and I make love.... It's ALL eye contact..!!
Go figure.... lol
I'm madly in love with my hubby... An Aspie spouse is INCREDIBLE FOR ME..! 💓💓
I've been waiting for this man my ENTIRE LIFE..! He is honest and loving... Gorgeous.... And brave!
I Thank God for him EVERY DAY.
I'm on his You Tube right now... Bless his beautiful soul and heart!!!💗💗💗

[rokman]

I let her borrow my favorite pen. She's the only person I would ever let borrow my pen.

[PennyJackson]

I only like it with my partner. Not my family, or humans in general. I do not appreciate handshaking or being physically touched on my shoulder for example, by humans.

But partner, yes. I am super clingy and needy. I really like to be physically close with my partner, and this has always been the case.

I struggle to see lies. I have lied many times myself, but my lies are more in the lines of me appearing offline when I am actually online and playing a video game. Just to get some space and peace. Nothing very bad.

Showing love is most likely through daily conversation, consistency, keeping agreements, showing respect, trust, being considerate, allowing space, being direct, being understanding.

But I believe it should not be generalized to the extent in which you are doing it.

Example:

Me - I share and converse about my special interests every single day, and my partner finds that to be perfectly fine.

My partner - he keeps his special interests to himself, he shares very little which is fine. More room for me.

Both have autism, but we operate differently. We do belong to “the same species” if you can use that term. We are definitely of the same kind, but we are so different from one another.

I know many autistic humans within the video game community, and we are all completely different but with similarities. Like, the outlines are the same, and we understand one another on a deeper level, yet the inside and how we operate as individuals is completely different.

Well anyways. This became a long comment again. My apologies.

[mcampbell]

Thank you so much for this video. I have high functioning autism but found a resource that really helped with showing love. I used it when I met my wife to show her. It’s a book called 1001 Ways To Be Romantic. It’s still in print. My wife eventually discovered the book and asked about it. But she came to realize that this was how I showed I cared for her. She even got me the sequel. It still gives me ideas and suggestions that seem special and unique ( she never red the books thankfully). But it’s important to understand what NT’s need. And videos like yours are great. Thank you again for this video

[Karen-fjlv]

As the NT partner, I am SO tired of hearing how I am supposed to support HIM. I NEED support too! Where is anyone who addresses the NT spouse and how isolated, ignored, unencouraged, and lonely WE feel? It is not about my pride or ego ... I have had to adjust my brain to his needs ... why does he not TRY to learn what I need?