The truth about hypervigilance

Complete transcript:
The Truth about hypervigilance

If you grew up in a home where your parents yelled a lot and fought a lot and you never knew if things were good or bad.

You ended up looking outside of yourself a lot of the time. You probably become hyper-aware of changes in people's behaviors in their moods and their tones of voice.

Because as a kid you had the job of making sure that everyone around you felt better or was okay. And now as an adult, you probably are still focused on other people to keep yourself safe.

This is why so many of us struggle with social events and have social anxiety. When we're in a group of people, all of our energy is spent attuning to or worrying about what other people are thinking or what they're perceiving about us. Instead of attuning to our own internal world and actually connecting with other people.

This is why so many of us feel exhausted when we get home after interacting socially. Almost feel like we need time to recover or why some of us only feel at ease or able to relax when we're alone and no one's around to judge us.

[LearningtoChannel]

Reminds me of a statement I once found, that in some homes, children wound up as collateral damage to a war they didn't start, a war they never understood, and a war they had no idea how to stop.

[gitouttamycage]

You forgot to mention that there's a fear that you said too much or over shared after you leave. That fear is visceral!

[ShreemBreezy]

Literally i always just want to be alone because that’s when my nervous system is the calmest. I feel like I can breathe.

[amyjones]

That last sentence really hits home. I only feel some sense of peace when there is no one else at home with me.

[signsofabadger]

Ive seen a post like "are you an introvert/empath or have you been conditioned to being hypervigilant to the needs/emotions of others?" And im like 🤔

[jessicapatton]

😢 that’s me!! I isolate myself so much cause I can not relax around people unless I know them extremely well

[coreyblackburn]

Hypervigilance is the only way I feel like I survived my childhood. Now no one understands why I don't stand up for myself or why I'm constantly apologizing for nothing. I am desperately trying to break this trait to better communicate my needs and desires but it is turning out to be extremely difficult

[HaydeeSophia]

Makes sense, I'm exhausted after I've been out running errands

[BeachMum]

It takes me about 3 days to recover completely at home after a family social gathering even ones where it’s not higher tension, like just a fun family holiday together because of this. It took me YEARS to figure out why and that that was going to be a thing for me. I used to stress for days before as well as have a massive hard time the day of trying to get ready to go to things like this even if I had fun and never had a horrible experience when I was actually there. Looking back, I realized that my mom did the same things! 😢
I have since stopped these attendances once I realized that even if it was fun for me, I couldn’t handle the stress it took to get me there. I was a bit relieved at the same time when I decided to move too far away to not feel as guilty for not attending these events as well as not having to feel the emotional rollercoaster to declining these events just the same with the massive guilt trip I had the whole time it was going on without me because I missed out or because I felt someone would wonder why I skipped out and ‘should’ have been there which also lasted a few day a to recover from either way. Moving away, too far to attend anyway, has been the only thing that has made me feel better about it all, but in that, I find myself feeling guilty time to time for doing so because I like it more in my new home than back at home. I got a massive guilt trip when I moved and for one person, they took it personally when it had nothing to do with them at all. I had to just keep reassuring them and myself that I needed to do this for me because *I* deserved it and needed the change. There was too much trauma there for me to have to fix while I was still there and just needed fresh start. People say that if you don’t fix yourself before you move, you will just take your problems with you when you go, but for me it had the opposite effect and was quite healing in many ways. I have cut a few ties, but that honestly has been part of the necessary process of it all. I feel like I wish it didn’t have to be that way, but in many ways it’s been better for me that it has. That huge amount of literal distance has been so detrimental to that healing process and I can see how I never got better before making that move. It was a bit of a rollercoaster of emotions for the first year, but definitely necessary to help in all that long term!

[I_LoveLiLi]

our parents really ruin us without realizing it 😢

[TeaRose]

Exactly why I LOVE living alone!! Soooo peaceful. 💜☮️

[Unowatsukit]

For those needing hope I can tell you that with the right therapy, it can get better. I’m still pretty vigilant and still notice differences in people’s attitudes/tones and idk if that will ever go away but I’ve learned to not care about other people’s changes bc their reactions or emotions are not my business or problem. I love no longer feeling like I have to keep the peace and the people pleaser in me is long gone.

[schnuersenkel]

Hypervigilance is not only cause by parents yelling in your childhood. It can be any important figure in your environment. For me it was siblings who lashed out without warning and being bullied at school without me understanding why and how to deal with it that created this habit.

[RavenStealstheNight]

Or, youre an HSP raised in an abusive environment, then you realise you're overwhelmed and really never had a chance

[yourfriendlyinternetgrandma]

I started crying as soon as I heard this really felt seen.❤️ Thank you for the beautiful way you explain these concepts.

[lasurfette]

My ex gets hypervigilant, but not due to his parents fighting with each other. From what I know, they got along great. His mom would get mad at him or his brothers and give the silent treatment for days. And he would have to be aware that someone upset her because she didn't make it clear. The whole time we were together - after the honeymoon phase - he constantly thought I was mad about something.

[KitsuneyJenfner]

"There will be people out there that won't like you. That is neither your fault nor your responsibility to make them."

This quote from one of the Pokemon games absolutely helped on that front. It's relieved so much pressure that I unconsciously place on my own shoulders to people please so they'll like me.

I also learned it's the other party's responsibility to inform you if you said or did something wrong. Those negative loops my brain used to go through after every interaction sharply decreased. It's not my job to guess and that's just... So nice.

[Flightofthesparrow]

💯 you hit the mark here. In large events I cannot focus on my own internal needs even basic physical needs—like eating or drinking water. It is almost like I go into some hyperviglent survival mode/people pleaser and once I am finally at home then exhaustion hits and I realize that I haven’t eaten almost all day

[thehomelesshebrews]

I am an AuDHDer, with bipolar mood/anxiety disorder; OCD and C-PTSD. I was raised by a Covert Narcissistic "mother"; abandoned by "dad"; in an extremely violent environment. I became hyperventilate at a very young age. I am 52, and still am. 😢

[kathyneville]

No one's around to judge me...
Judging me because I am feeling judged.
A vicious cycle!!