Giving out a medal.

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[amivanzyl]

I reached a true adulthood (feeling like an emotional adult, not just my age) and it's like a switch flipped. I went from holding onto fantasies of how it could have been worse to seeing how I as an adult can't imagine treating a child the way they treated me.

[KariSuttle]

Wow. I never thought of those things as basic parenting. My mom always wanted praise and to be put on a pedastal for the true basics - not hitting us like her parents did, cooking good meals for us, making sure we brushed our teeth and did our homework, taking us to the doctor and dentist, etc. My mom, growing up, was a young, immature parent with lots of trauma. Once again, I have learned something from you.

[Thehook]

In an abusive environment you are not allowed to say it’s bad - only fear and avoidance !!

[deborahserafin]

I completely rewrote the misery of my childhood and told myself my mother wasn't that bad, or I'd say "she did the best she could." (She did not. Everything was totally self-serving)....then in recent years I had to move back in with my parents. Seeing how manipulative and awful she is as an adult (especially when it was towards her young grandchildren), I realized I had been lying to myself for 20 years. I began remembering things correctly and I was horrified.

[Rat_Queen]

My personal favourite- I work so you can have a roof over you
Yeah. As an adult, I now do the same but don’t berate those who live under it for doing so. It’s a basic need

[cirella]

Today I learned that my parents are way more wounded than me from their childhoods. That helped me look at everything objectively rather than emotionally as to why everyone cant function normally in my family. I also learned non of it is or was my fault. Im 45. Thats how long it took for me to discover and realize this.

[amyadams]

I think that's what makes the happy memories so confusing. I was convincing myself that "it wasn't that bad" because I had been using the positive memories of my mother as a way to minimize my experience. What's helped me is recognizing that sure, she did some basic parenting things right. Maybe she was even good at certain things... but that doesn't erase the control, manipulation and neglect and projected insecurities. It just highlights her own trauma that she never dealt with, that I'm dealing with for her.

[Pebleh]

I was just thinking about how often I repeated things my mom said to affirm her feelings that her set of choices were for the best, even if they brought me immense grief and isolation. SHE needed to get through the divorce somehow, and I gave her medals for trying to leave my abusive dad.

Now, it's hard to look back at that time, there's a lot I don't immediately remember, but at the core I feel rage for not being stood up for and listened to when I was screaming at the top of my lungs for help and understanding. I was lonelier than ever and I offered her medals to cheer her up and keep her going. But I hated doing it. I got her to smile, and I resent her for it.

[GlimpseIntoTheirNatures]

You are the first to explain this so well. I often protect the deceased out of respect. I understand their ignorance. Their own traumas. Their historical context. I think also many don't realize a more 360 degree picture is best. It allows for forgiveness to a greater degree if not completely. I believe that in my case it was more the hidden neurodivergence that was more to blame. We were born in the wrong published date of the DSMV. We are more so all illequipped and illinformed. ❤

[tonyasargent]

It's interesting how I as a trauma survivor also expect to get medals for basic parenting. I can recognize my immature nature. And help myself grow up.

[HeavenDancer]

Thank you! I struggle with reconciling mixed feelings on my enabling mother. She had moments that she was a great mother and then moments where I was treated like the SG. My brain tells me to feel guilty about NC but honesty I’m not even sure she misses me and whether her “love” was even authentic.

[und]

They want an award for barely staying out of jail for what they did/didn't do 🤦‍♀️

[fetijajasari]

I don't need a medal for providing normal things as a parent. Often enough being a parent has enough satisfying, wholesome moments that fills the heart!
My parents did not understand this but I cherish the bond with my kids!
All the best to you all! 🙌🏾

[googleuser]

I went no contact with my toxic narcissistic abusive parents. I wish I had went no contact in childhood.

[AprilMayShine]

They were, "there, " I guess that's a scale? If kids were accessories like furniture, that's me. Mine were watching TV, crocheting, reading books. Like they completely tuned out, and would rather be ANYWHERE real or imagined than be talking to me.

[xyDamian]

My father always said that we had to carry him in our hands (even though he treated us like shit). I guess some parents are just so emotionally immature they want to be admired by their children.

[philswaim]

Its so important to realize parents are like anyone. A mixed bag just like ourselves. We have things we do well and othera we dont. As the parent tho there's a responsibility to improvement and maintaining a good relationship one has woth their children including caring for them.


So many times we try to excuse them hitting us for 'well they were just trying to make sure i didnt go to jail' ( what my dad honestly thinks to this day) or 'well they stopped at three strikes of a hand belt or wood paddle'

I think we want to think our parents are good people and ap try to redeem their abusive behaviors so we look better for it. Many people dont want to admit to being abused because speaking ill of parents is still taboo. To admit you experienced abuse starts maki g people play abuse olympics 'well at least they never burned you with cigarettes or starved you like mine did' or 'well at least they never (insert some other type of abuse'.

I think eveeyone experienced different abuse and experiences thoae thinga differently. We nees to give more grace to ourselves and be honest with ourselves about what was not okay about our childhood experiences.

[audmascorro]

Wow, thank you for helping realize this.

[LaurenLAWDAWGlockdown]

Parenting, especially for the first child in a family, is very difficult.
I am not mad; just sad because MOM is missing out on having a relationship with her firstborne child.

[saragates]

One thing I love to do is tell our daughter what a privilege and an honor it is to be her Mama. That I LOVE my job as her parent and I cherish the responsibilities that come with it. I don't think many of us heard that often enough, or at all. They should have told what a blessing we were.