The psychology of keeping secrets inside | Michael Slepian

There are 38 kinds of secrets. The average person has 13 at any given moment. Michael Slepian explains how that can affect your health.

We all have secrets. The average person has as many as 13 secrets at any given time.

Usually, we hold secrets to protect something, such as our reputation or someone we care about. But this doesn't always protect what we hope to protect.

Additionally, secrets can lead to loneliness and shame, which are particularly toxic to our health and wellbeing.

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About Michael Slepian:
Michael Slepian is the Sanford C. Bernstein & Co. Associate Professor of Leadership and Ethics at Columbia Business School. He previously was a visiting scholar at Stanford University, and received his Ph.D. from Tufts University. He is an elected fellow of the Society of Experimental Social Psychology, has received the Rising Star Award from the Association for Psychological Science, and received the National Science Foundation Graduate Research Fellowship

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Read more of our stories on secret keeping:
How many secrets are you holding from these 38 categories?
Why it’s time to confess your darkest secrets
Creative cheating: the link between creativity and dishonesty

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Want more Big Think?

[bigthink]

What's a secret you will only admit in this comment section?

[kastenolsen]

I have many secrets that I keep. They do not make me feel shame, they are part of honor, and make me feel good about myself. These secrets will go to my grave and no one will know them. Trust is key!

[wheres_bears]

Not everybody has to know your secrets. That’s like giving the keys to your house to every person you meet.

[healingvsion]

Instead of saying open up to people please say open up to the right people. Trauma bonding or opening up to people that will use that against you will only hurt you in the long run. Set boundaries with people and (sigh) vet them first. Dont just open up to any person

[ishaanmehta]

Quick summary. There's a difference between secrecy and privacy. Secrecy is when you withhold information because you are afraid of consequences(Here, I am talking about toxic secrets, not the good ones). Privacy is when you withhold information because you don't want to or you are not comfortable to share it with anyone. There are good secrets too like surpise birthday party, marriage proposal, etc. Here, the intent is to make other person happy. You are not afraid of it. A secret is bad when it's affecting your health and you are ruminating about it often and that too in a negative way. The possible way to deal with this is find a person you can confide in and who, you think, will give you the helpful response you need. However, it's easier said than done.

[robertblake]

"Three may keep a secret if two of them are dead." Ben Franklin, 1735
I trained in the Army as an intelligence analyst/interpreter. It was repeatedly drummed into our heads-"No Need To Know !"

[BroshiAdventures]

It hurts the more i keep secrets, it hurts to hold secrets for others,
It hurts that i have to keep my mouth shut about a lot of things.
My shoulders will never get lowered cause i cant ever feel like i can share mine with anyone, but I make others feel safe enough for them to tell their secrets to me.😢

[evjogkg]

Welll living a lie my whole life and keeping a big gigantic secret for my whole life has not only cost me severe harm mentally and physically but it has ate me up! My whole life I was hiding that I was transgender and I didn’t want to deal with it because I was terrified of being vulnerable with myself and being vulnerable with everyone else around me. But it has severely harmed me keeping that secret inside. It really is a shame that people like me feel like we have to keep everything a secret

[DangerAmbrose]

People often confuse keeping secrets with telling lies.

[procrastinator]

The super weird timing of this when I just decided to blurt out that I’m bi/gay (idk haven’t really figured it all out yet) to my closest friends.

[craigmerkey]

Very interesting concept! The choice has been revealed from my experiences. I have learned there is time and space for disclosure! Some people deserve my time and attention because they display a balanced relationship with genuine kindness, reciprocal skills, and understanding the difference between words and actions. Other people move in a ways that don't suit my preferences, like high contrast orchestrations, a scarcity mindset, validation seeking, and rigidity. The choice is abundantly clear.

[AntiMatter]

Nothing wrong with secrets. It all depends on your life philosophy. Don't let your ego make a big deal out of it

[joseabad]

Thanks for sharing this information have a great day ❤

[rjung_ch]

I think I have no secrets anymore. More frustrations and worries from what is happening around the world.

[potatochalbro]

This is true! Sadly I have secrets that I can't tell anyone as long as prisons exist.

[brucewayne]

It's amazing how doctors, lawyers, etc. keep things confidential 👏🏽

[jhunt]

When everyone around you is homophobic and you are taught that being lgbt means you'll go to hell. You keep that secret like your life and after life depends on it. Being older now I realise that the prejudice and theistic claims are both utter nonsense. But the secret that has protected you for so long is difficult to let go of.

[darkmax]

Maybe I'm just emotionally stronger to handle it. Keep everything a secret eventually someone will question you and try to force the answer out of you by coersive means.

[catatonicbug]

A secret is something you tell no one. If you tell anyone, it's no longer a secret.

[elinope]

We will see, I go back to college within the year and will be running into generation Z and up. I will try to find a right one and open my heart again.