Why I disappeared

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I had a career and life many dream of -- and yet I left it behind, never really addressing completely why. If you know me from my live streams, chess commentary, gaming collaborations, Pogchamps coaching etc. and wondered why I'm not around anymore, this video will give you answers. It was really difficult for me to film this video and open up about some of my struggles, but it's also a relief to not carry this burden anymore and I'm really hopeful and optimistic about the future and all the cool things I mention at the end of the video. Thank you for watching it, I hope you know I appreciate you all, from the bottom of my heart xx

00:00 Why you know me -- or why you don't
01:51 Why leave? And what was my "perfect" life like for real?
4:36 The beginning of my health struggles
7:19 And then something even worse happened...
10:44 Why I'm telling you about this and what's next
12:27 Working with @CallMeKevin and content on my channels
13:35 New chess course in the making
13:58 Upcoming video with @AnnaCramling
14:35 Will I return to chess (or gaming) events?
15:57 Why Norway Chess is so special to me
17:27 Business Anna vs. Commentator Anna
17:59 Huge thanks to Kevin
18:32 "It's great to be a retiree"
18:58 Thank you for sticking around 💙

Why I disappeared
#AnnaChess #chess #vlog

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I'm so emotional and overwhelmed by how many of you care about my story and all the love and kindness you're sending my way 🩵 Thank you so much for being so nice and caring! I'm reading all the comments I can and am feeling so grateful for having amazing people like you in my community, I'm very lucky 🥹🩵

AnnaRudolfChess

I want to tell you all a story about Anna ☺
I went to TwitchCon Berlin in 2018 and randomly met her and Kevin (they were not together yet, i think lol) in front of the venue.
She stopped when I said Hi and actively started a conversation, asking me questions and being incredibly nice!
We talked about Chess and AlphaZero (it was when AlphaZero beat Stockfish back then) and Kevin stood next to us waiting, I had no idea who he was 😆
We then spoke about David Hasselhoff talking on the main stage later, and he was a childhood hero for me (We germans are kinda obsessed with him lol, he sang when the Berlin wall fell in 1989, and Knight Rider was a super popular series in Germany back in the 90s). The sad thing was, there were only seats left for creators, so I couldn't see him.
Anna immediately said without hesitation that I should go with them. So I went there with Anna and Kevin and we sat in second row 😆
What I wanna say is:
Many Youtubers or streamers put on a mask when they are on camera, they are not really the people which they are in real life.
Anna is a genuinely good person, insanely nice and friendly and open in real life, she really cares. She made my day back then 😊 Sadly, shortly after that day, I had some private problems as well, so I couldn't really follow her much anymore on Twitch and Youtube like i used to. But that experience will stay in my memory.
Thanks Anna!

huawafabe

Hey anna! a shared sadness is half a sadness, a shared happiness is double the happiness. Whatever you get up to, knowing you're happy, we're here for it <3

playdoughfish

I'm glad you're (eventually) okay-ish+.
I can't really express the feelings I have with words, so take this virtual hug instead (pat on the back included!)

Elleander

I understand Anna. Something bad happened to my mum, and we had to deal with it for 5 years in an acute phase, and we will have to deal with it for the rest of her life in a managing phase.... I would cry trying to talk about it for a good year or 2 - and even now almost 8 years on, i try not to think about those times too much. You have to look after yourself first, before you can help others. Looking forward to seeing what's next

Mentaljedi

For many, their introduction to the world of chess was through The Queen's Gambit, but for me, it was through your streams. I was really glad to see you commentating on Norway Chess. I’m happy to hear that you’re feeling better (ish) physically and mentally overall., and I’ll be looking forward to seeing you commentate on another chess event; it will be a special occasion, virtual hug for you

ricardovargas

Hi Anna, I probably commented on youtube less than 10 times in my life, but I felt compelled to comment here. I have been going through an extremely tumultuous time of late myself; my girlfriend and I of 7 years recently split up and I must say, it was (and still is to this point) one of two of the hardest things I have had to endure in my life- I'm 38 by the way. I also, up until recently, had to force myself to carry on- I had to continue to work on my music, art, writing, chess etc. because I could feel I was losing that which made me, me. It's so easy to dwell in sadness, and try to muster up the courage and strength just to do banal tasks, let alone things that creates fire in your heart. I am slowly feeling like myself again, and I can say, it's a really good feeling. I am happy you took stock and evaluated what is important to you and your mental and physical well-being, and doing the things that creates fire in your heart as well. Strong's to you and Kevin and the issue you're dealing with. Welcome back by the way! I look forward to seeing you on my feed again :) Take care!

cleanfader

Anna you are a ray of sunshine and make your corner of the internet such a bright and welcoming place to be, I hope you know how much we appreciate that regardless of how much or how little time you spend making videos/streaming.
Although I do hope you don't stop rambling, it's where we learn all the spoilers you aren't supposed to tell us :D

IzzieStrange

We've missed you Anna, but your own health and loved-ones always must come first. We'll be excited to see what you do next!

himitsumonban

It is really good to see you again! Sometimes I think the audience forgets that the Content creator we are watching on the screen are also people like us, with struggles and hardship. I am glad to hear you are pushing through yours and you have a support team to help you when the going gets hard. I have enjoyed your work on Kevin's videos a lot. They are definitely going to the the next level. No matter how many times you may stumble and fall, the important thing is getting back up. I think you are doing very well on that last part. Looking forward to your future content!

Thexis_

You are strong Anna. You have made it this far. Keep being a great person and a great content creator and take care of your health 💪🏼

andrey

I hope making and releasing this video was very cathartic for you. You have such a lovely and caring community for a reason; you attract what you are. Wishing many happy and healthy years for you, Kevin, and all of your loved ones. I think you two will find that you will always have a loving, supportive community willing to accompany you on all of your adventures. Even if you need to scale it down for your own sanity, we will be here and we will understand. Much love from all of your wholesome tomatoes. You rock, Unit Anna.

chadbybirth

I really appreciate you sharing your experiences and challenges. It’s clear that you’ve faced significant difficulties, and speaking about them requires great strength. I wish you all the best as you move forward into the future! Greetings from a Ninier (Cristinini).

fertato

This video gave me tons of emotions I can’t quite parse, and after spending ten minutes trying to do so, all I’m going to say is that while I’d love to see more of these types of videos (even ones that don’t delve into heavy topics) I’d only want them if you’d feel comfortable making them. Your mental health comes before content.

Either way here are some tomatoes for the most Wholesome Tomato: 🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅

RememberingStars

It's nice to hear an update. It's good that you've had such a supportive network around you, and I wish you well ❤

ZirayaAlex

My dearest Anna ❤ Your videos are forever. I watched a 9-year old video of yours yesterday and learned from it! I found you through Kevin, but it was also during the Queens Gambit chess boom and I’ve been learning from you ever since. Even though you had stepped back, I have had the privilege of learning from all of the content you have released throughout the years. You are an incredible teacher but more than that, you and Kevin are the most genuine, kind people I have seen on the internet. I’m sure the vast majority of your followers agree when I say you are not only a teacher of chess, but a teacher of class, grace, and positivity. I cannot put into words how grateful I am for your videos.
You do not owe anyone an explanation for stepping back, but I appreciate you sharing so that we can support you through this time. No matter what decisions you make around your content and what you share with us, we want you to put yourself first, always. We will always be subscribed, we will always be fans and we will always support you. ❤

ChronaWyvr

Anna, I am a Hungarian guy, who lived most of my life in the USA. First time I saw you was in Norway chess, and I was soo proud. Along with Judit Polgar, Peter Leko, Richard Rapport, there are so many reasons to be proud to be Hungarian and contibute to the chess community. Happened to be in Budapest at the time of the Chess Olympiad, so hoping to see some of you. Glad you are back and looking foward to see more of you. We love you.

andimattv

thank you for all the wonderful memories anna, you've given so much to our community throughout the years ❤

reiyuaan

I'm sorry to hear that you have been through so much. I wish you all the best, and, selfishly, I'm very excited about your upcoming course. Your "Anatomy of the Attack" course is one of my favorites on Chessable, and I'm hopeful that what you are working on is the second part of this course 🙂

decisivemoment

I had noticed that you had gone from someone who constantly popped up in my notifications to someone I not only never saw posting content but didn't see doing the other chess related stuff I usually saw you participating in. I heard mention of health issues etc, and was really glad to see you back at Norway Chess and hoped this signalled the end of that. From what you've said here, health wise at least, that seems to have been put behind you, and I'm sorry to hear about the personal struggles.

In terms of a reaction to the video, first of all, I really hope it was helpful and meaningful for you. With the best will and wishes in the world, none of us actually have to tackle these personal issues on your behalf, and so I hope that you never disadvantage yourself or your recovery and coping from the ongoing matters just to ease any guilt about the likes of myself. I enjoy your content, your chess content was what made my 5 year old daughter interested in chess. But you don't owe us anything. You're not an object or a commodity for our amusement, you're a person and you deserve to be healthy and happy. Whatever you feel you have to do, I'm sure most people on here will support it. And anyone who doesn't really has their own bridge to cross in that regard, as far as I'm concerned.

Secondly, having said all of the above, I appreciate you laying it out as much as you have. There's no need for any more details from you, but I appreciate an understanding of what happened and why you took time away from all this. I'm sure my wee girl will be pleased to hear you're feeling alot better. :)

Look after yourself and now I return to the shadowy realm of watching and not saying anything. *fades away*

malekandjrod

Why I disappeared