If Others' Success Fills You With Pain, Here's What to Do

🔴 *LIVE Webinar Nov 12 LASHING OUT: Healing Emotion Dysregulation in Relationships*

***
When you were never loved enough in the first place -- and then you witness someone else getting really, really loved – it can tear down all the defenses you’ve built up in order to cope with the painful absence of love in your life. If you have Childhood PTSD, you may be hiding from that pain because if you were to actually face the losses -- the breakups, the bad choices, feelings of shame or guilt -- you fear it would be unbearable. And so out of protection you stay in denial. But then something happens where you just CAN’T hide from it anymore. In this video I respond to a letter from a woman who can't help feeling miserable at someone else's wedding.

***
🟢 *Letters: Want to submit a question for me to answer in a video?*
Keep it short, not too explicit, relevant for this audience.

🟢 *Become a Member!*
Access ALL my courses, webinars, group coaching & online community

🟢 Take My Online course: *Healing Childhood PTSD*

🟢 *Change Trauma-Driven Dating Patterns*
Online course: Dating & Relationships for People with CPTSD

🟢 *Learn to Heal Dysregulation*
Online course: Dysregulation Bootcamp

🟢 *Heal Isolation and Build Better Relationships*
Online course: Connection Bootcamp

🟢 *Coaching Programs & LIVE Calls with Anna*

🟢 *PARTNERS/RECOMMENDED PRODUCTS*
(I receive commissions on referrals & recommend services I know and trust)

🔹 *Is Carb Sensitivity Sabotaging Your Energy and Weight? Take the Quiz:*

🔹 *NEED ONLINE THERAPY?* BetterHelp can connect you with a licensed, online therapist:

[lacecurtainirish]

I wouldn’t describe it as bitterness. It feels more like grief. I wonder if I could have been more successful and happy if I had been born to a supportive, functional family. I’ll never know.

[arianedhaese]

Lately a thought that comes up a lot is "I have had enough of being happy for others" because it seems it will never be my turn.

[Nancy-cmrh]

I " thought" I was jealous and I hated it. But listening to you I realized I had sadness in

[d.nakamura]

This emotion is called “Gluckschmerz”, unhappiness at the happiness of others. It’s the counterpoint to schadenfreude, glee at others’ unhappiness.

[michellemybelle]

Wow you really have a beautiful way of analyzing, validating and advising your followers. You are a beautiful soul. Prayers for “Tarrin”. My Mom had these issues towards me. She had trauma and I did too. She was so envious she literally sabotaged most important events in my life. I know why she has done this, so I forgive her but what pain she has caused me. I applaud Tarrin for seeing this in herself and trying to heal it.

[anotherhealingjourneybegins]

Will have to watch this later when I get some time. I try to be happy for others in good times, but I do feel sad that I can't feel the same sometimes. I know as a child, I envied my peers who had supportive and loving parents. But when they'd come to school and brag about how great their birthday was, I'd feel sad because nobody would celebrate mine at home. I didn't have a 'traditional birthday' until I was 22 years old, and it was my coworkers who did it. They heard no one celebrated my bday and threw me a surprise party.

I will never forget how happy and sad I felt that night. Happy because I was finally getting to have a 'normal' experience of love. Sad because it took me my whole life to that point and a group of strangers to give me that feeling of love. That was my only birthday party like that of my life, but that memory is precious to me. Those coworkers have no idea how much that meant to me and I'm eternally grateful for their compassion✨️

[debbiev.]

My 12th birthday was "upstaged" by my Mom's funeral(tragically killed in a car accident)...took me nearly 40years to begin enjoying/celebrating my birthday, but so grateful I'm able to now!! 🥳

[MtnGirll]

It's not toxic to yearn for the normal, happy and successful lives many of our peers lead who haven't had their lives blighted by abuse. We live in a world where other people's abundance is constantly shoved in our faces. There is no escape. It can be a natural and healthy urge to covet a life lived beyond the lowest hierarchy of need.

For me that yearning became so acute that I knew if I didn't escape it I would die. I devoted myself 24/7 to building a business so for the first time in my life I could have stability, that I could control. I picked cleaning houses, because it was the one job I knew I could sustain with my disability.

Bitterness, jealousy, anger, can all fuel you to superhuman effort, but you have to re-direct/transmute that energy, otherwise it WILL consume you.

[Leoo]

"A call to action." This is the perfect advice. Jealousy really is just a projection of our anger at ourselves for not doing the things we know we should be doing, which are the things that are actually within our power. I think this is even why people with healthy childhoods can still feel jealousy.

[InvisibleBorderline]

This is one of the reasons I don’t like going out in public right now because it hurts me to see people who are happy together.
My ex was so demonstrable with affection in public. He was always so happy to make sure everyone knew I was with him even though he was cold and distant in private.

[LadyMallowSirSucrose]

Tarrin I relate so much to you. What a surprise to hear about your life and immediately recognize my own. My dad passed when I was in high school (a whole can of worms haha) and now in my twenties I find that my brother's relationship with his girlfriend, friends, and coworkers brings up a lot of jealousy and sadness. My extended family all live far away and I miss the important events like weddings, baby showers, holidays. Feels like I've been left behind. Everyday is a search to find people that love and show up for me. Everyday is figuring out how to do those things for my self. It's hard! It's good to know I'm not alone in this. Best of luck to you and thank you for writing.

[HannahMitchell-Art]

27 might seem older at the time, especially when your friends and family are pairing off, but I assure you, you are still young. And if you do the work for a couple of years like Anna recommends, you will be in an amazing place to accept and open to a real and fulfilling relationship.

[roxanne]

I’m not wanting and abstaining from bitterness, but I do feel left out. I’m not mad at the ones who have it because I’m happy for them. But feel left out like I’m bad

[farmingmama]

I am very sad that some people get everything and my life has been so very painful. I tried so hard for 43 years, then my oldest child died. All of these years of going on and on, struggling through neglect and abandonment, lack of love, trying to make the most of it all, only to have my child taken.

[stevenc]

I have to admit that I do feel this often especially now being 50. My 40’s were terrible I lost much of what I built up to that point. So I’m basically starting over now. Mostly good but I get really down over what I lost and seeing peers have so much and enjoying what I lost. It’ll take awhile and a lot of hard work to get back. It’s tough at this age and nit in my 20’s. But I get jealous and feel sadness and grief.

[EF-kcty]

Heck yeah, I have bitterness along with anger and resentment and the shame, guilt and embarrassment that comes with knowing it's my own PTSD keeping me from my own success and happiness 😢😮❤

[blborto]

My younger brother by 7 years was getting married before me!!! I couldn't handle it. Attending his wedding literally altered the course of my life!! I got drunk and hooked up with an inappropriate person at his wedding! To this day, I'm so jealous all the time of ppl who are happy and doing well. I know it's a bad thing. Maybe I need help ... I'm only 62 years old now haha. I was 30 at the time. So my advice ... don't go to the wedding !! You may regret what you do in such an emotional state.

[francesbeth]

Never jealous or bitter of what others have
always wanted a tight relationship with family and find a mate. That's it🎉

[divinadivina]

Telling other people what we really want, what we need, being genuine & just express it all, in the end, over time starts to change things. We are humans and with our struggles, it's only fair to receive all that we wish for, and need back + slowly learning to give love back to ourselves, is a big bonus in the journey. I've started telling others what I really mean & feel, and surprised how people react to it. Better than I thought :) of course with some, that won't happen and it hurts, but then the others we can count on will reach out & support. It's worthy doing so

[lauriemorales]

I feel the same. My family doesn't care about me. I spend holidays alone since my mom died. My children are estranged from me because of my mental illness 😢 Dad doesn't seem to care and my sister has a great life with her family. I was abused as a child, and it's not my fault they made me the scapegoat!