Moving the Goalpost: Keeping Up With Unrelenting Standards - Complex Trauma Prisons

*****
One of the prisons created by Complex Trauma is Unrelenting Standards - believing that if you just try harder, and set higher standards for yourself, that you will succeed and be satisfied. But it keeps you in a prison; it keeps you in a loop that feeds shame. How did this prison develop and how do we break free from it?

*****

Become a Member!

Understand the Development of Complex Trauma in Your Life
Online Course: 12 Basic Needs

Discover how Addictions are Formed and Find Healthy Ways to Cope
Online Course: Addictions + Complex Trauma

Learn How to Parent Yourself and a Child with Complex Trauma
Online Course: Parent Bootcamp

Ready to Dig Deep and Learn Tools to Recover From the Negative Effects of Complex Trauma?
Online Course: LIFT Online Learning

*****
Chapters
00:00 Introduction to Life traps / Schema / CPTSD Prisons
02:00 Unhealthy adaptations become life traps
09:30 Getting into Life Traps
13:35 Intro to Unrelenting Standards
17:30 Limitations are frustrating
20:12 It's never good enough
21:18 Quiz - 10 Questions to Ask Yourself
23:00 3 Variations of Unrelenting Standards
24:55 Where do unrelenting standards come from?
29:55 This 'solution' does not solve Shame
32:07 Building life on a lie
33:34 The facade of 'having it all together'
36:00 Pitfalls in recovery
44:00 Healing and change
48:30 Conclusion - 12 Needs

[Wingedmagician]

the worst one is when you’re completely dysfunctional and your “standards” for yourself are sky high

[kenburwood]

19:30 My father taught us both of those "lessons" growing up. The second one he said exactly what you listed, verbatim. The first one he said a little differently in a way that made it even worse, and I realized just a year and a half ago how insidiously harmful the phrase is (though unintentionally harmful--it was meant with good intentions) :

"If you're not going to do it right the first time, then don't do it at all."

It not only sets up a low tolerance for not doing things as well as you "should have", it also explicitly sets up low tolerance for even a single failed/subpar attempt, and a subconscious expectation that you are a failure/unworthy of you have troubles or haven't done enough.

Even after recognizing that, I'm still working to untangle things inside me.

[aosidh]

The mantra I use to give myself grace about this is "that strategy worked until it stopped working"

[Aesops_Adventurers]

I have a wife of 28 years and four daughters, all in their 20's now. I have been working with a therapist for a while, and this video came up. After watching it and crying repetitively, I sent the link to my family. Thank you for helping us find a language to start talking about and hopefully work towards our healing together.

[laridd]

I used to become su!c!dal when i made a mistake. One day i realized that i dont feel the same way about other people's mistakes. In reverse, thats putting someone on the firing squad for a typo. It helped me learn to have grace for myself.

[glenncowan]

Your subconscious mind associates childhood trauma with the "feeling" of being in a state of helpless captivity. Every time you ruminate, you feel a sense of captivity.

[lrain]

I'm either a perfectionist and never happy with anything I make or do. Or I am the complete opposite and have a 'why bother' attitude. That's why I probably don't fit into groups preferring my own company or the company of my closest friends. Constant criticism by parents from; academic studies or sporting events at school, to my looks, clothes, hairstyle, weight have been unhealthy and all consuming.

[huiawalker]

Spot 57 with 3 burnouts, lifetime depression, lately anxiety. Chikdhood abuse, degree, buying and selling houses, single mum 30 yrs, education career 30 this makes so much sense, finally....

[Ominous]

"Do it right, or don't do it at all." That's has been my mantra at work as a landscaper. It was also the mantra when I drew my profile picture. There are mistakes in it. I couldn't improve it to perfection, because it was already in ink. It's a counting error in the gallery of Kings. It sneaked in. But I decided to go on with it and line up all the stones in it. So instead of going for the ultimate perfection, I went for wholeness. That was the learning process behind this. Because this translates into my personality. If I didn't tell you where the mistakes are in my profile picture, you would have never noticed them. Mistakes or not, it still looks as if it's coming out of the paper.

These drawings speak volumes about my personality.

[ОляГончарук-зз]

I just recently understood that I set the bar too high for me self each day. And quite often it leads to me having anxiety at the end of the day because obviously I can’t reach the bar every single day. And then I start applying all those unhealthy ways of coping with the anxiety. That revelation was huge. Now I am working on that issue…

[annepemberton]

What about someone who has a mum who didn’t want a girl due to her own traumas so that highly intelligent girl was told always “don’t even try because you aren’t going to university”? I overcame that massively then burned out and had a NDE. 7 yrs on I have bursts of intelligence sharing then I just sit down and don’t continue to create my plans from my ideas. ❤ really appreciate everything you bring Tim😉

[cindyhall]

I'm the mom of 2 addicts who are in active recovery for the past year. Hallelujah!! Tim, you are hurting my brain!!

[mariajuliapilz]

Sometimes I don't know how to be and act different. I don't know any better

[jimboxx]

This is me 100%.

One thing,

I do want to be happy and I know trying to achieve as much as I can is not going to lead to that.
I value "achieving and becoming more" as more important than being happy.

Thank you for this video.

[KimEvazians]

This entire lecture talks about the childhood trauma of people with Enneagram Type One: The Moral Perfectionist, the type who want to get things done right and get it done right the first time.

[HabitatYakII]

I recently read The Perfectionist's Guide to Losing Control, and it was lightbulbs going off one after the other. Unrelenting standards can definitely be a result of trauma, but it can also be your nature. I've learned that having these high standards can be a good thing - it's a matter of learning to take them from maladaptive to adaptive. Sure, I'll go off the rails once in a while, but making my perfectionism work for me (and understanding what kind of perfectionist I am) has been so helpful. I highly recommend that book for anyone curious about if they're a perfectionist. It's geared towards women but it can easily be applied to perfectionist men as well.

[GiftsAmimalsGiveUs]

I'm just now seeing how I'm just going with the same patterns I had as a kid. It's not helping me now. It's really sad not to see this until you're older. I don't know how to live without my defalt setting.

[SuzannaLiessa]

Thank you for providing some specific directions for addressing this. Ive known for a while that I have the underlying feeling that if i can just get everything right, everything will be okay. I haven’t had any idea about what to do about except to try to pay attention, and that just becomes one more thing i have to do perfectly.

[AnHourOfWolves]

Did anyone notice that the quiz has a maximum score of 50, but Tim takes the results up to 60?

[rebeccaconn]

This was so good … I’ve always struggled with perfectionism … I’m so drained and overwhelmed most of the time … I just spin my wheels and accomplish very little … compared to my younger years.
I’ve kind of slowed down but I beat myself up for being “so behind”. I need to work on the core issues.