「ORIGINAL」Goodbye Summer, Hello Fall【Jayn】

【♥ PERSONAL NOTES ⇣ 】
🍰 Song diary entry time! 🍰
Some of the below may be uncomfortable if you're sensitive to mental illness discussion.

I've been dealing with a particularly long, intense bout of depression / anxiety since March.

I've had depression and anxiety since I was a kid but the "can't get out of bed, can't eat, can't work, crippled by physical anxiety, battling suicidal impulses" days usually don't last anywhere near this long.

My personal realization has been that living (specifically with suicidal thoughts, etc) without fighting to become the best version of myself isn't an option. I'm either going to be alive & fighting, or dead.

As soon as I noticed the depression getting dangerously heavy, I sought out help. My doctors put me on medication. I've talked about it already but I had a series of bad reactions that put me in the hospital.

I'm STILL riding that wave and it just makes me feel I'm drowning in it.

It's not just the "depression", it's the events fuel it or set it into motion, the stress of maintaining relationships and routine despite it, the mountain of destructive patterns I haven't been able to break yet, and the helplessness of watching time continue to move while I'm still trapped under the water.

I'm sick of it.

I've never fought harder to examine who I am and who I want to be. I've never tried harder to deconstruct myself and start again as many times as it takes. To build a new, healthier, stronger foundation and to destroy destructive habits I developed in my childhood to protect myself.

God, it's hard, but it's worth it. Things are slowly improving. VERY slowly, but I can see the subtle difference - just like watching the colors of the leaves change in Autumn.

Music is the only way I can express the full scope of my emotions, so I wrote a song to contain them. I wanted to capture the feeling of standing still as time moves on without you. The feeling of wanting to move forward, but also being terrified. The feeling of finding comfort in how things used to be before your world changed.

I also wanted to touch on the subject of ending relationships (not just romantic) with those you care about because you're too afraid of stepping into the future with them and/or you don't feel you're worth enough, and the hope that you'll meet again someday.

I've had to deal with most of this on my own.

I know from experience that's a lonely feeling that makes it even harder to confront yourself. Why tear everything down just to be alone and vulnerable, right?

Even if I'm not physically there, I will be a support to you. You can always write me.

I can share techniques I've learned so far on my journey for managing anxiety and depression. If you're 18+ and in the US I can do my best to help you find out if there are health providers in your area who can help be a physical support.

Please take care of yourself. If you don't know how, I can help you start. We'll start small and hold each other accountable, okay? You aren't alone.

**On the Halloween note: I'm releasing two non-Halloween songs tonight, then diving right into the creepy covers for the rest of the month. The list of things I plan to cover this year is on Patreon if you're curious, otherwise hang tight!**
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【♥ LYRICS HERE ⇣ 】

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【♥ VIDEO CREDITS ⇣ 】

➥ Music/Lyrics/Vocals/Mix/Video: Jayn
➥ Picture: Sanrio

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【♥ HAVE A QUESTION? READ FIRST! ⇣ 】

[rhetcon]

Not many people can draw a story out of something as abstract as the changing of the seasons, but this manages to do it perfectly. Your voice compliments the piano track very well. You're really good at what you do, and I hope to hear much more.

[RikuSilver]

//hugs
You're going through a really hard time right now, but know people are there for you and care about you a lot. I have had a lot of similar issues since I started college, and I know sometimes it feels like you can't do anything to change your situation, but definitely stick around and keep trying to. Honestly some days the only reason I get out of bed at all is I know I have a couple of specific things I want to do in life, and if I never leave my bed again they'll never ever happen. Just keep hanging in there and making beautiful things like this, or whatever makes you happy :)

[claudiaespinoza]

Jayn I don't know if you'll ever read this but your original songs have always inspired me to just write out how I feel instead of resorting to extremes. I hope you keep putting out your music its what keeps me going and I'm awed every time.

[galaxysoup]

Depression has been wrecking me lately, and I've been feeling so alone because like you said, I've pushed people away because I feel like they deserve better than me. This song and your openness about this topic means a lot to me. Thank you so much.

[leidee]

Your original songs always hit me in the heart, and I love that they make me truly face what I'm afraid to feel. Thank you, with all my heart.

[QueenPinksweets]

Great job in composing this song, Jayn! As usual, keep up the good work.

I'd also like to say this: No matter what happens, whether you feel alone or lonely or sad, know that there are people who love you and care for you and will support you. Hopefully, whatever problems or obstacles you are going through, you will overcome them soon.

[hopelesshope]

Wow! Your voice has improved a lot over the years. I'm amazed Jayney, Good job! Continue being awesome :)

[kati]

I can't thank you enough for this song and all of your content. It has helped me so much and continues to help me get through the hard times and everything else. So keep up the great work!

[Jackladox]

I love this song. I'm moving out from a place I lived and had so many memories. Listening to this so many vivid memories flooded in. As this new journey is not secure I can only look back and be glad that it happened. Thank you for this masterpiece. I haven't felt like this for awhile. I needed it.

[LittleJayneyCakes]

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[zoepearson]

continuing the tradition of listening to this each fall !!

[ciara]

I’ve always liked this song, but only today I made a connection with it.

It reflects the grief I’ve been going through since I lost my granny in spring. Since then I’ve felt like time hasn’t been moving, regardless of all the changes.

[newlynavy]

It's 1:30 AM, this song was just released about 16 minutes ago, and it already has 77 likes.

[TaLeXx]

thank you so much for this song! I'm always listening to it while I go home in the dark after visiting my best friend. Its so awesome when the leaves from a random tree fall down and your song gives it the perfekt mood!

[rod]

This past months were some hard ones for me, I normally don't talk about it much cause I feel like I'd just be bothering others with my stuff... hearing this song was soothing in a way, I've been trying to feel better but there are some days that well, memories keep coming back... anyway, thanks for the song! It's really nice to hear you.

[MeiCake]

This hits different since October is approaching, I've always loved this song, Janey and your voice is lovely! 💜🍁🍂

[lexiholic]

Damn. This hit way to close to home. I’ve been dealing with serious depression and extreme anxiety for the past... almost two years now. Hearing Jayn’s story made me realize I’m not alone. I’m still stuck in this loop of bad thoughts, but, like Jayn, I can see myself slowly but surely working my way out of it. It’s taken a hella lot out of me, but damn, is it worth it. Don’t get me wrong, I still have my bad days, but overall I have more positive ones than negative ones. And I’m beyond grateful for that. Jayn, if you read this, just know that I look up to you and so do so many other people. Sometimes the ones with the most broken souls are the ones who are most kind and understanding of others :)

[Sammielove]

Just know you have a lot of love and support for you Jayn! ❤️❤️
I feel your pain completely on battling D since the beginning of the year. I had a huge break up recently that has made my own battle worse.
Just keep going strong and be the amazing person you are, you beautiful soul, you :)

[ms.negative]

Laying in bed looking out the window as you realize that the world continues to move while you’re trapped inside this little shell you’ve made. I want to move forward but what if I fail? If only I could go back to when I was a just a kid when things were easy and simple. But instead I’m just here with no purpose. It’s been like two months so there’s point to me writing this. But during this time of year I start feeling ‘stuck’. I’m not quite sure how to explain that feeling but somehow your song did. The melancholic melody and your soft voice work so well together. Ever since I first heard it it’s been stuck in my mind. Thank you for blessing my ears with this beautiful song.

[Lainedeer]

honestly this song hits me deep. I had and have been dealing with depression for so long. honestly all i feel like I'm doing is sitting here in too much of a routine while i watch each day go by. this song is how i've been feeling for about a couple years now.