Say Goodbye to Power Struggles with your Kids - Play Therapy Parenting® w/ Dr. Brenna Hicks

In this episode of Play Therapy Parenting®, Dr. Brenna discusses how the root of many, if not most, behavioral issues with kids is Power Struggles. Learn what causes the power struggles and how to eliminate them with your kids.

[tinahalle]

This has always worked for my kids but when others see me giving my kids choices ( it’s usually the older generation that does this lol ) they say I’m spoiling them but I don’t think so . I have two adult kids and one who is eleven . People tell me I have good kids and I don’t fight with them . They’re often very considerate and helpful when they see I just need help or when they see that their behavior is hurtful . My youngest ( eleven) has adhd . He struggles with having to stop something he’s immersed in but I needed help . He had a look of frustration and I thought he was going to back talk lol but his face softened when he saw I really needed help. I teach him to pay attention. His frustration is normal but make sure it’s not hurtful and inconsiderate to others. I treat his feelings with respect . If I ask him to do something and it doesn’t hurt me to wait a few more minutes because he’s wrapped up in getting a project ( legos lol ) finished … I wait but there are times as well where things can’t wait . So I think through example I’m teaching them consideration and to not be bossy and controlling to others and he’s not . Just because I’m an adult it doesn’t mean he doesn’t have a reasonable say in the matter ..He’s very kind and sweet . His teachers always say so even though he struggles to focus in school, he’s very sweet to others even when he’s having a hard day . To me, that’s just as important in life .

[sarahlandry]

I've been doing the giving choices thing to my son since he was old enough to understand, he's now four, and since he's been three, it doesn't work. He will try to start a power struggle, attempting to negotiate a third choice or just dig his heals in and refuse to choose, so then he get's the default choice, (the one that is automatic if he refuses to choose) The power struggles are endless, and while parenting tools are helpful, in reality, they don't always work with every kid.

[ericafiacco]

Wow. Just WOW. I have been struggling hard core with my 5year old and feeling so alone, sad, discouraged and feeling like I simply am not raising her right. When i tell you the first few moments of this had me in tears bc i actually UNDERSTAND why my daughter behaves this way now and hearing how normal this is in kids her age. I am so hopeful going into bed time routine tonight, which is normally our biggest struggle.

[hepianesti]

Hi, thank you for this video! I've been applying "giving choices" to my son (now 4yo) since he was able to communicate, but recently I gave birth to another child and my 4yo became a big brother for the 1st time. That is when this power struggle started to happen more often and more escalated. Reflecting back, I realize that ever since the baby's about to be born, I kept giving my son less and less choices in his every day activities, simply because I was occupied with taking care of the newborn so I felt it was somewhat easier to just "tell him things" instead of letting him choose.

Currently, the situation got even worse because he started hitting friends at school. I've been trying to be firm (somewhat rigid and stubborn I should admit) and that just didn't work. That is why I'm looking into play therapy and peaceful parenting and now I realized I could do much better.

If you read this comment and have any tips on my situation, I would greatly appreciate it :)

Sending love from Indonesia :)

[rmokofsky]

Thank you so much. I have a 8yr boy...How do you do it when the power play comes just at the time to walk out the door for school. Not moving on purpose to put shoes on and I count and just walk out door and then he comes! Its huge drama crying and yelling deep anger!

[chris]

This worked miraculously with #1. For #2 we can say it's time to get ready for bed, would you prefer a shower or bath. My kids has the wherewithal to say "neither, I want to keep playing with my toys"... Moving on to the next steps in our routine are becoming quite difficult.

[bethwegscheidgaetz]

What if you give your child a choice to do something later versus now, they choose later, but when later comes, they still refuse?

[caryngildea]

It really works amazing!!!! Within hours! No more fighting! Calmly get control back over your child while giving them choices.

[chelseabarker]

Thank you so much for this information. My daughter and I have been going head to head every day lately and we usually end with me walking away from the situation in a huff. You have given me a simple solution that I can totally work with.

[nrkjp]

This is an awesome approach to resolving potential conflicts and power struggles... This brings a HUGE change in interaction and environment at home...

Thanks for sharing this valuable advice!

[eunoiavision]

Having a repertoire of choices available at the fly is an artform. Busy lives, time constraints, exhaustion etc means you have to be at the ready which can be pert near impossible on a daily basis.

[teresakwhite]

My almost 3 year old is in a dance class. First few classes cried and didn’t want to go in without me. Now she gets up early wants to get ready and go, but when we get there she just stand there and does nothing in class. Is there a choice for this? Or should I pull her out of class. It worked a few times when I said “you must dance a little to get a treat after”. She does great in music and library mommy & me classes, but there was no options for that at this school.

[huong]

Thanks for the informative video! I tried giving the two choices but my three year old thinks of third options and insists on it. Then comes the tantrums. Do you have any advise for this scenario?

[MaverickVersusEverything]

Flawless victory. Feeling inspired. --The Dad

[DJ_Patent]

Thank you very much. I’m sure other parents deal with the same. What I more see is say my child (2 yrs) wants to, for example, bring item A to the tub. Item A is cardboard and would be destroyed. We say no and offer B and C. She still only cares about A and throws a seemingly never-ending tantrum and does not respond to the options B and C and is difficult to calm. Any advice? Thanks again!

[briandearman]

Thanks for the information. In the scenario where you give 2 options. In your video for example you give homework before play/dinner or after play/dinner. Say the child chooses after dinner. After dinner, the child then refused to do the homework. What do you suggest then? Naturally I would suggest the child do their homework at the time you agreed on or else they won't get an option next time. Not sure if that's best though... Thanks!

[wvfarmersdaughter]

When I offer my child choice a or b. My child will choose choice c. She refuses to choose between the choices given and tries to pick something else which often is still a bad choice. She seems to want to act out and it escalates quickly.

[shanehansen]

My kids school wants us to have our kids read for 20 min. I want this done 1st thing in the morning so that it's not forgotten and doesn't interrupt our day. Child doesn't want to read and other child doesn't want to read until late and ends up interfering with sleep. Please suggest choices.

[KZONGZ]

Will this work on a 18 year old with autism.

[Kimlee]

What if you give them choices and they still want to make up their own choice.. or if they choose like playing before homework time, then when you say ok, it's homework time, and they don't want to do it now. What