I read the terrible Episode IX pitch where Rey is a robot

It was imperative to me that I get this posted before Episode IX’s release date because I knew if anything from this treatment ended up happening it would be infinitely funnier if I had roasted the idea ahead of time.

Also nobody tell him about this he's like 75 he won't benefit from feedback it will likely just make him sad.

Click your favorite story beat from Alan Dean Foster’s upcoming Episode XI treatment:

Alan Dean Foster’s website, on which if you navigate to the “updates” page and scroll down long enough you will find his complete Episode IX treatment:

I called it a pitch in the title even though it’s just a hypothetical treatment because everyone understands what a pitch is but not everyone immediately understands what a treatment is, and also pitch has fewer characters.

[FeebleBird]

If I ever wrote the line, "Luke kills another Snoke" I would immediately stop and delete the entire script.

[carodame]

"a younger, muscular and even handsome figure that we recognise as Snoke" is the most cursed sentences I ever heard

[valdisv]

"Snoke, I'm very concerned with your behaviour. Come meet me at the chemical factory so we can discuss it further" -Obi-Wan

[NotTheAntichrist]

I like that Rey has to throw Luke a light saber when there are presumably hundreds of light sabers all over the floor from all the dead snokes.

[ewok]

I love how Kylo is racist against robot part people when just two films earlier he was the archbishop of the church of Vader.

[dollsy]

Kylo Ren, who idolizes his grandpa, a man who could not live without a machine imbeded in his chest, recoils in abject horror at a lady with some droid stuff in her head.

[rnezz]

the confidence to say to a published article "oh just read my fanfiction" is just astounding. need me some of that.

[superonions]

“I really want to know what a sober R2 looks like”
So would R2’s wife and kids 😔

[zoe_astra]

Imagine if the whole movie was just everyone passive-aggressively bullying Poe, constantly sending him on pointless missions just to get him out of the way.
It just turns into Mean Girls.

[PinkSkunkSleepy]

Good thing they didn't do that silly Snoke clone thing in the real movie ha ha

[sweettea-msex]

I imagine that theres 11 curtains and each one has a snoke behind it and everytime one get killed they all start gigging. And they're like "he's gonna be so surprised by this".

[darealslimshady]

han solos ghost appears during the battle and delivers a final line: “snokes… why’d it have to be snokes” before putting on a strangely out of place looking fedora

[DTH_DWN]

“Killed me? Yes you did. Want to kill me again?” Is legitimately the funniest way you could react to your apprentice who killed you saying that you’re supposed to be dead so props to this guy for at least making it so funny

[fruitygarlic]

Typical romantic comedy set in our world, except the two leads are Snoke clones and nobody comments on that.

[HidakaSatsuki]

My wife’s reaction: ‘Oh, that’s what the Knights of Ren are. Snokes.’

[realainsmcf]

“You’re really just going to squander your entire runtime backpedaling and retconning things that bugged you in the last movie?”
Well… this aged well

[peachbIossom]

"He touches her exposed skull portion. Has anyone told her lately how really beautiful she is?" does... does Foster ship C-3PO with Rey?

[joemcginnis]

So reys backstory is she had a lumpy head and because of her goofy head shape her parents left her ... omg I can’t stop laughing

[erinbailey]

“the trio of snokes” “multiple snokes” “another snoke” why is this SO FUNNY

[chloezumbrun]

when C3PO started petting rey and calling her beautiful, and she paused, I really thought she was about to start comically mashing her human lips against his cold, gaping robot mouth hole