Can they feel love? Is it really a 'disorder'? Is it fight or fight? Are they able to 'see' better?

Downloadable programs:

Coaching services for autistic male partners:

Coaching services for neurotypical female partners:

Coaching services for the ASD + NT couple:

Individual coaching services:

Access to “Members-Only” videos:

Parenting resources:

[markhutten]

Downloadable programs:

Coaching services for autistic male partners:

Coaching services for neurotypical female partners:

Coaching services for the ASD + NT couple:

Individual coaching services:

Access to “Members-Only” videos:

Parenting resources:

[hogdvm]

I’m not a normal NT wife. Instead of getting mad at my husband I tried harder and harder to behave so well that he would pay attention to me. I thought it was my fault that I wasn’t getting affection and emotional reciprocity. I bent over backwards trying to earn a smile. My self esteem really suffered but I never got mad.

[chrismon]

Late diagnosed autistic and adhd woman here. Some things you are stating are in my opinion a bit complicated. From what we scientifically know at this point about autism and adhd, in my opinion hints towards evolutional adaptation to stressful environments (epigenetics seem to play a major role). I‘m personally going through some hardships at the moment and how I am able to deal with extreme situations and how I am supported by long term neurodiverse friends makes clear to me, how my special brain setup provides advantages in solving problems and surviving. I also get a lot of positive feedback from professionals, who are surprised, how I not only manage to keep going but also improve my abilities. Btw I can trace my family’s female line back to three generations of „survivors“.
I mention this because the main factor, how I can improve myself in a time, where other would very likely have to deal with burnout, is due to two main factors. I have to make it clear that I am no professional in any related fields and my assumptions are only based on my knowledge at this point and the conclusions from my personal experience. Said so, my theory is:
1. I stick to rules and theoretical knowledge. I’m constantly learning about behaviour and the differences between neurovariants, psychology (especially trauma) and psychological tools and I‘m restructuring my thinking and my beliefs using logic and functionality.
2. I think the ability to do this comes from an autistic „problem“ I have: it’s difficult to me… I‘m not sure how to put it in words… and somehow that’s the point: I would describe my social „instincts“ as something animalistic (?). For me, neurotypical behaviour is somehow strange (?). For example: constant eye contact and showing teeth (smiling) is something very aggressive for many other species. Because of trauma and one loving caregiver I was able to maintain my ability to bond with others (and this is in my opinion a big issue for autistic children). But my social/emotional brain was and is still more separated from my logic brain, than I think is considered as being normal.
To come to my conclusion: I personally dislike, when autists are seen as the problem in a relationship. Especially this perspective makes them easy victims. The experiment on the double-empathy-problem shows clearly, that it’s more a communication issue between two different brain setups than a deficit an the autistic side.

[deselmsgroup]

To the last point, I'm not sure I have empathy as an NT does. I have to consciously relate things to a personal experience and how I would be effected by something similar before I can understand, most of the time. It seems like for NTs that process is sort of automatic but it has to be prompted for me. Then I can get it.

[tvc]

And what about me? I'm in this too.