Is marriage the foundation of society? || Motherhood In Progress

BONUS CONTENT ||

TIME STAMPS
00:00 - intro
01:48 - the loss of community
06:34 - RocketMoney
08:25 - community the commodity
10:11 - nuclear family isolation
12:27 - two parent privilege
17:50 - two parents & poverty
20:03 - married parents vs. co-living parents
23:59 - the rise in single-parent households
25:45 - declining birth rate
30:36 - final thoughts

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My name is ashley, if you didn't know ;)

#declineinmarriage #twoparentprivilege #birthrates #ai #relationships #riseinsingleness #videoessay #motherhoodinprogress

[emilyboulter]

I co-lived with my husband for five years before we got married, and it does feel different. We both didn’t feel a pressure to get married right away because we both felt very secure in our relationship. After being married, I have noticed that I feel more comfortable making long term decisions and it feels like we are building a life together instead of just being roommates that are in a relationship.

[jessicawilcox]

Thanks for acknowledging that a two parent household with one abusive parent is always worse than a single parent home. That is very true.

[chelseashurmantine]

The way I see this talked about in the media, they frame it as a cause, and not an effect. This is 100% an effect of a different cause. It’s really problematic when people frame peoples’ choices as a cause of the issues in society rather than as a response to the larger issues present in the society

[carynmccowan]

I am frustrated by the narrative that marriage is merely an option that anyone can choose to pursue. As a single woman in my mid-30s, I would very much prefer to be married right now. I have been searching for the right partner for almost a decade and so far no luck. I often find myself thinking that the man I am looking for just doesn't exist and time is running out. None of this was my choice.

[YuniX]

Im married with a child on the way, but if i hadn't found a partner who respects me and does his fair share it never would have happened. Men arent adjusting to the reality of gender equality, and until they do women will continue to avoid marrying them.

[nagisa]

I was raised in a true single parent household. My mom had a greater community when I was an infant, but as I got older her circle grew smaller and smaller... by the time I was a teenager we were extremely isolated. It made growing up with her extremely difficult, not to mention she was also working through her own traumas from childhood and adulthood. I don't really blame anyone, nor am I angry. It just sucks because I have no friends that understand my situation, at all. However, I do feel strong, and I am unlearning a lot of things. I hope I can do better for my community, whether that's a biological family or something else.

[monriatitans]

32:05 "But my last thought on the matter being that if we live in a society that will potentially collapse if not enough people get married, maybe we have more of a problem with the way we're running things and less of a problem with peoples' choices in their love lives."

[eolill]

If you ask me, lower rates of marriage is not the cause, it's one of the symptoms of a less connected community/society and greater loneliness.

[brianna]

even in a two parent home, with today's economy a lot of parents have to work more/longer hours just to survive, taking further time away from being with their child

[Pandozzi]

Marriage is absolutely not a necessity for happiness, personal fulfilment or physical and financial security. It can absolutely cause the opposite of all these, nor is the western and modern idea for marriage necessary for societal functions as there are many documented cultures where marriage and kinship are very different from the western modern forms of marriage and kinship.

THAT BEING SAID, the anti marriage trend is not an indicator for the improvement of any of the parameters mentioned above either, as it comes from a place of extreme individualistic ideology. I absolutely agree with you that being a part of any long term, tight knit social dinamic (i.e, also non marriage type long term partnership, coliving with family etc) leads to significantly more empathetic, cooperative, communal behaviours, as it really forces the individual to learn and adapt to be cosiderate of other's needs. The rejection of marriage just feels like it's coming from a place of "always put yourself first". Which is great until it isn't.
It just feels very much like throwing the baby with the bathwater kind of philosophy. The rejection of marriage came as a rejection of a societal norm for the sake of societal normality. But at the same time it fails to recognise the benefits that norm had, and does not seem to give much consideration to what can replace it without discarding those benefits.

Great video as always!!!

[Arnirien]

Also note that many disabled folks in USA risk access to needed benefits if they marry. Super frustrating and unjust

[fairywingsonroses]

Honestly, I think the biggest issue is the cultural aspect of marriage. We've been conditioned to believe that the ONLY socially and culturally acceptable relationship status is a heterosexual marriage. Anything else is automatically deemed "bad, " "irresponsible, " and "selfish." Meanwhile, our culture is also drowning in a kind of toxic selfishness where helping others for any reason is often labeled as "enabling." Here in the US, people actively fight against community-strengthening measures like publically-funded daycare and healthcare. As a single parent, I was told that both me and my child deserved to suffer because people automatically assumed I had made bad choices that resulted in my single parent status. As a married parent, I was told to stop being irresponsible with money and stop expecting someone else to pay for my choice to have kids. Even as a single, childless person, I was often told things like, you shouldn't have gone to college if you couldn't pay for it, or it's your own fault that you can't find a good-paying job. All of these narratives are incredibly toxic and unhelpful, and they lead to a larger issue of people just not being willing to help other people at all under any circumstances. When the world is so unapologetically selfish, how is anyone even remotely surprised that fertility rates are dropping, the rates of single parents are rising, and communities overall feel less welcoming and stable than they once were?

[MG-wcoz]

Being married brings on a lot more responsibilities to the relationship it's just different.

[Moonpie]

22:07 husband and I had a short engagement (like 3 months) because we decided to buy a house together - had both been saving and getting engaged triggered the 'lets just have a look' conversation. A friend of mine was with her partner for 15 years (teenagers to 30s) and they owned a house but never married and no kids, when he died she was in a very difficult situation not knowing what she would get and what his family would get. I voiced it while we were dating that I'd never buy a house with someone I wasn't married to, he agreed and we followed through with a microwedding a couple of weeks after we got the keys. Other than security and legalities there aren't many reasons to marry these days

[Moonpie]

5:02 women used to rely on men for economic reasons but men also relied on women for homemaking reasons. A wife meant they didn't have to clean, cook or anything else 'feminine' which were skills those men just didn't have. Neither gender is as reliant, we get to pick and have that flexibility. I see a lot of women say that women have learnt to 'mens' skills but men haven't necessarily learnt the 'womens' side. Or expect women to do most of the 'womens' role and half the mens, leaving things unbalanced. Progress isn't always synced up, I'm sure when mens skills catch up the numbers will go back up, and people's social skills will catch up to more community based

[stephanie]

Needs to be shown that being alone does not equal being lonely

[HottyFroggy]

I would have much rather grown up with just my mom than my dad being included in that situation. My dad got into drugs and alcohol because he slowly started realizing that the married life wasn’t for him.. Later on, he started physically abusing my mother and my brothers.
I’m super proud of my mother leaving. So, no, having both parents in the household isn’t always a good thing. But I do agree if beneficial when you’re in a good household. Just wanted to chime in.

[CPMom]

As far as the giving back to the community aspect, married couples have more time to give back or participate because they are splitting the household work. Separated families have to do twice the work since there are now 2 households…
Plus, as a married couple we are being more active in our community to set a good example for our kid, as well as getting to know the members of our town more closely to gauge who our kid will be around. That part of it is a safety matter.

[trishanichole]

I married my husband after spending my 20s with men who I essentially mothered- all domestic, career, and social labors eventually fell on me at various points. I feel lucky to have found my husband after that, right at the end of my 20s, but if I needed to continue dating instead I think it would have taken me well into my 30s before I settled down. I think this is a lot of women's realities. He is the breadwinner and I work from home, but we have a 2 year old together and cohabitate with his parents. I feel like my child's familial privilege was doubled because he basically has 4 parents. I have zero idea how this will impact his development, but you're spot on when you call it a privilege to cohabitate. Despite this, it's still a difficult adjustment to work full time and care for him at home with my MIL, so having more is a scary idea. I don't know how single mothers do it.

[raquelmote]

I think marriage has been painted in a bad light. People see a contract that can have negative financial and tax implications, legal implications, and is associated with religious institution. But we forget what marriage is symbolism for.

For me it is a promise to love your partner unconditionally and support them emotionally, financially become one, and treat your lives as one. And when you invest your life so much in another person and they pour that much energy back into you your lives become better, you find emotional stability, financial stability, and a sense of community.

It's no wonder to me that folks who believe in marriage as a promise of love create a strong sense of community, since they practice that everyday 💚